Random Meanderings: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -- Plato

Dark Side of the Moon

2011-10-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have a certain duality to my personality. The dominant side is light; full of sweetness, positivity, compassion, and light-heartedness. The other, which surfaces a time or two a year, is dark, a black hole of unease, bitterness, and negativity. I generally think of the light side as 'being me', as being who I really am, but the truth is that I am both people at different times.

Much like the moon, my two different faces. Sometimes I am full in the sun, reflecting the warmth and light to everyone and everything around me. Other times, I am with my back to the sun, completely lost in the cold, unyielding darkness.

I think of this darkness as 'the reality of me', which is to say that when people meet me, usually I am kind and pleasant and enjoyable to be around. The longer they know me, the more I begin to worry, for I know orbits will shift eventually and they will be faced with the reality of a dark, inhospitable terrain where there once was warmth and light.

I fear the reality of me is too much. I fear the disappointment of those I care about, when there is such a shift towards darkness. If I'm being honest, I fear the rejection of these people, once they realize that I'm not who they thought I was, that I've mislead them.

What can I do, other than try my hardest to keep the darkness at bay?

As painful and unpleasant as it is to experience, these bouts of darkness, I think I sometimes have to dive into that deep pit of blackness to explore both misery and joy. There is nothing for it but to experience it, to process it, and to know that I will come out of it like a phoenix from the ash; reborn back into the light.

2011-10-13T22:25:00.001-07:00

"O full of scorpions is my mind.." -- Macbeth

On My Mind*

2010-12-09T09:27:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to write, but have found myself unable. There is too much to think about and it renders me speechless. I wish I had words eloquent enough to convey what is inside my head, how much I want her, what she does to me. Even now I struggle. Why do my thoughts and feelings still my tongue? Steal my voice? I know I don't say enough, I know that my silence says the opposite of what I feel. If only I could express that my silence is not the lack of speech, it is instead full of too much to say. Too many variables, so much possibility. So much that I want. Not having the words, not being able to speak.. it's frustrating.

Music has been my solace; I find relief while submerged in a medium of fluid emotional expression. My thoughts beat against the confines of my skull like the wings of a caged bird. Soft but insistent, they seek release that is not forthcoming. It would be easier if I could tie strands of thought together, sort them, discover what they mean. Why am I finding it so difficult? How can I convey the depth my want, cleverly and poetically, as it deserves to be expressed?

It would be so much easier if she could read my mind..

------------------------------------------------------------
* I just randomly came across this piece of writing that I did five years ago and thought it a propos, considering I just wrote about alexithymia. I was surprised at the near-poetry of the language and a bit proud of myself!

I just had the most random IM exchange with a stranger that went something like this:

2010-12-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

THEM: do you like quicksand?
ME: What?
THEM: do you know what quicksand is?
ME: Yes..
THEM: have you ever seen real quicksand?
ME: No
THEM: ...

-- And then they stopped IMing. What the hell? --

Alexithymia

2010-12-06T13:24:00.000-08:00

Alexithymia. Kind of has a ring to it, doesn't it? I guess if you're going to have a disorder-they-say-isn't-really-a-disorder, it could have worse names.

Well, what the hell is it?, I'm sure you're wondering.

Alexithymia:

Alexithymia is considered to be a personality trait ... Alexithymia is not classified as a mental disorder in the DSM-IV. It is a dimensional personality trait that varies in severity from person to person. A person's alexithymia score can be measured with questionnaires such as the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20), the Bermond-Vorst Alexithymia Questionnaire (BVAQ), or the Observer Alexithymia Scale (OAS).
Alexithymia is defined by:
difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal
difficulty describing feelings to other people
constricted imaginal processes, as evidenced by a scarcity of fantasies
a stimulus-bound, externally oriented cognitive style.
(a cognitive style that shows a preference for the external details of everyday life rather than thought content related to feelings, fantasies, and other aspects of a person's inner experience)

Points 1 and 2 -- dingdingdingding! I have so. much. trouble. explaining my feelings. I would be an amazing poet and writer if I was capable of translating the emotions I felt into words. It's like being a poet with no mouth, hands, or means of communication. And point 4, pretty true, in that it's impossible for me to describe my inner world, my inner state, and I often find it incredibly embarrassing to share my raw thoughts and fantasies.

I've suspected I'm alexithymic for a few years, especially when I was having considerable difficulties in two different long-term relationships. I've been called cold and distant, and both of these women were understandably hurt and frustrated at my inability to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with them. It became a real point of contention by the end of my 2.5 year relationship with J, the PhD in psychology. (though I find it slightly ironic, given her field, that even though I'd mentioned my suspected alexithymia early in the relationship, she didn't seem to understand it when she was involved personally)

Alexithymically-speaking, I have a lot of troubles in other areas besides my 'intimacy issues'.

To figure out what I'm feeling takes time. I have a mental rolodex of emotions I've already named and categorized and I often have to go through it and hold my current feelings against each emotional card. Is it jealousy? Nope. Is it sadness? Nope. Is it anger? Well, kinda. Is it uneasiness? Yeah, that too. And so on, until I feel I've teased out all of the emotions and I know what I feel.

When involved in difficult or turbulent relationships, I sometimes develop confusing physical symptoms. After things went into the shitter with E, I experienced: deep depression, several bouts of serious, debilitating back pain, the flu, a cold, IBS, an abscess, and some migraines. This is a huge contrast with lower stress times, where physically I'm pretty good.

I will often get physically ill during times of great stress and upheaval. They're usually weird physical ailments like lower back pain, digestive issues, headaches/migraines, etc. and it takes me an embarrassing amount of time to connect the physical problem to the mental source (feeling/suppressing lots of emotions). I have a tendency to get depressed and not even realize I'm depressed until a week or two in, until I've thoroughly analyzed my behavior over that period of time and reached the conclusion that what I'm feeling is depression.

I have a hard time expressing my feelings for others. Do you know how frustrating and heart-wrenching it is to be accused of emotionally neglecting someone you love like crazy, only the boatload of feelings you have can't come out in the way that the person wants or needs? Fuck.

I have a hard time expressing how events made me feel, or the emotional details of events.

I often have to hang back and listen to other people talk about the same event or situation, or a similar situation they've been through. When someone describes the feelings they experience under circumstances similar to my own, it helps me see what my own feelings might be.

It really pisses me off, but I am useless in arguments. It's too much stuff coming in, and too many feelings I don't have names for, and I don't even know what to think, much less form the kind of coherent, intelligent response that I desperately want. It's simply too overwhelming at the time. I have to go away, ponder everything, do some emotion-matching with myself, and only then do I have an inkling of how I want to respond. But then, of course, it's too late. So, basically, I try to avoid all confrontation because I never fare well.

I took the Toronto Alexithymia Scale today and scored 128. The max possible score is 185 and a tally of 113+ = alexithymia. One, I'm glad to know it's not considered a disorder. I have enough mental disorders, what with the anxiety and OCD. Two, it sucks, but it makes me feel relieved that there's a name for this weirdness that I experience.

Intelligence: The Evolution of Night Owls

2010-11-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

Satoshi Kanazawa, a psychologist at The London School of Economics and Political Science, argues that, while we have specialized mental modules for navigation, social interaction, and other age-old tasks, general intelligence is its own module handling only evolutionarily novel circumstances. And he has data showing that people with higher IQs are more likely to have values and preferences that just didn't make sense for our ancestors to embrace. One of those is staying up late.

(via)

Epic!

2010-11-27T19:29:00.000-08:00

"Sure, you've seen cats fight before. But have you ever seen cats fight... to an intense, perfectly-timed action-movie soundtrack (~~Hans Zimmer's~~ Alan Silvestri's Predator score)? I'm going to get Silvestri to score my next visit to the DMV." [Gawker]

Anna David - Fuck You

2010-10-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

My friend posted this on Facebook the other day and it's become my new favorite song.

2010-10-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Kuraki yori
Kuraki michi ni zo
Irinubeki
Haruka ni terase
Yama no ha no tsuki

Out of darkness,
Yet shall I follow a path of greater darkness;
From the mountain crest,
Far-off moon,
Give me light.

-- Murasaki Shikibu, Japanese poet and writer (c. 1000)

The Cork Incident

2010-09-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have random trains of thought and the one just now brought me to an event that happened in June 2006. It's a favorite story, I've found; people really seem to enjoy it, so I figured I'd write it down.

Summer 2006. My then-girlfriend, Jen, and I planned a 3-week trip to Italy to visit my family. I've been out and openly dating women for 13 years, but this was the first time ever that my mom would meet one of my girlfriends. Jen was my first real, serious long-term relationship and in the time we had been together up until that point, she had heard stories and was pretty well-aware of my mom's personality. But, as I tried to warn her, stories weren't adequate preparation for the real thing...

Things didn't go very smoothly. Jen, God love her, was so easy-going and tried really hard to get to know my mom and to get along with her. It drove Jen crazy that we got stuck in Monterosso due to my mom (every day, she'd call and say, So, today, I need you to..) and it upset her that my mom and step-father treated me like shit. The visit was kind of a roller coaster, with lots of ups and downs.

One night after dinner, Jen, my mom, and I were sitting at the table outside on the terrace. The scene was lovely: candles burning, the sound of waves lapping on the beach mere feet away, all three of us had a nice, happy wine buzz going. We were chatting and gradually the conversation turned to my mom's childhood.

Without going too deep into detail, my mom had a really fucked up upbringing and like me, it's amazing that she got out of it and became such a successful person. As much as she drives me crazy, I have always admired her strength, determination, and pluck. I hadn't heard the tale of her childhood in probably two decades, so I listened with interest. The prosecco flowed like a river and we just kept drinking and talking.
She gradually got more and more emotional as she told her story, until she was crying. The moment was really touching and I hadn't felt that close or loving toward my mom in years. Jen, having just earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology, was a bit awed at the sudden outpouring of honesty and vulnerability.

At the end of the story, we each had tears in our eyes and I got up and gave my mom a huge hug. I felt really close to her, something that rarely happens, and I was so touched and sad for her.

We sat in silence for a time, collecting our thoughts, drinking more, listening to the waves. I can say definitively that, at this point, we were all pretty drunk, but the prosecco kept flowing. It was a nice, peaceful moment that I savored, feeling full of warmth and goodwill towards my mom and Jen.

After a time, my mom spoke up and the atmosphere and tone of the conversation did a complete 180°. She started asking Jen questions about her mom. It started out innocently enough, but then gradually became more and more prying, causing Jen to prickle.

Jen's mom is a lay nun in the Franciscan order, so she is really, devoutly Catholic. When she and Jen's dad divorced when Jen was 12, Jen's mom decided she'd sinned enough by getting the divorce and never dated anyone afterward. My mom kept asking, But Jen.. I don't get it. Why do you think your mom never had any boyfriends?

Jen tried to be patient and kept telling my mom she was uncomfortable answering that question. It was obvious she didn't want to discuss it and any normal, polite person would have dropped the subject. My mom, however, was seriously drunk at this point and apparently super feisty. She kept poking, prodding, prying, asking basically the same question again and again, in an increasingly more irritated, frustrated way.
Jen started to get irritated, too, that her boundaries weren't being respected. She finally put her foot down and said, You know, Paula, I really don't feel it's right to discuss this, I'm not comfortable, and I would appreciate a change of subject.

I was sitting at the table with Jen to my left and my mom to my right. There was a period of silence after Jen told my mom to drop it. I looked down at the table to collect my thoughts and the next thing I knew, I saw a wine cork bounce across the table, from Jen across to my mom.

I looked up sharply, my brain unwilling to comprehend. One glance at Jen's angry, disbelieving face confirmed my suspicions, another glance at my mom staring at Jen with a challenging expression, then back to Jen, it all sinking in slowly.

Uuuuuuhhhhh.. no way, I thought. But.. yes way.

My mom, in her frustration at Jen's unwillingness to give her the dirt, threw a wine cork at Jen's head. The cork hit Jen in the forehead, bounced off, and then went bouncing along the table. Jen was stunned, as was I. They sat there for several very long moments, glaring at each other. My brain was still having trouble processing what had just happened, and all I could manage to say was a worthless reprimand: "MOM!"

I had no idea what to do, but then Jen got up abruptly and started cussing my mom out, including several instances of the F-bomb. I managed another "Mom! I can't believe you did that!" before getting up and following Jen down the steps and back to our apartment. Jen was raging pissed and it took some time to calm down enough to go to bed.

At about 10 in the morning, my phone rang and it was my mom. I answered, not having any idea what to expect. Surprisingly, she was very humble and apologetic. The first words out of her mouth were, "Do you hate me?"

"I am so, so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I can't remember the last time I was that drunk. You guys just kept pouring more! I woke up at 4 in the morning with the worst hangover and headache I've ever had in my life. Please forgive me."

The cork incident: perhaps forgiven, but definitely not forgotten.

Trapped in the Shallow End of the Dating Pool

2010-09-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

In the gay world, the dating pool is generally pretty small, no matter where you are. In the straight world, if you see someone you're attracted to and with whom you hit it off, you have a pretty good chance that the person at least goes your way. It's estimated that 10% of the population is gay; among that 10%, I don't know what the actual breakdown is, so I'll just go 50-50 on gender. If you look at the numbers, straight people have pretty good odds (90%) and a pretty extensive dating pool. When you're gay, things quickly turn a bit incestuous on the dating front.

Nowhere else does this hold true more than in the lesbian community. It's impossible to avoid, no matter where you live or how hard you try. You end up creating a network of lesbians, and the more the web builds, the more incestuous it gets. Working in the same circles and socializing with other lesbians, you repeatedly cross paths with the same people. People you know, people who know you, people who know the people you know, and so on.

A most interesting phenomenon to me is that when lesbians break up, there is so much more of a tendency to remain friends than in any other orientation. I don't know why we do this, but it's so true. I have remained friends with nearly every girl I've dated and the ones that didn't make the cut were excluded for good reasons, such as toxic craziness.

Having people in your life that know you better than anyone else is extremely nice. I heard once that having a romantic relationship with someone is like taking a lengthy, upper division course in them; while you're together, you are majoring in that person. You spend so much time learning about this other person, you see the real person, you've seen them at their worst, shared intimate and vulnerable moments together, you know who they are and vice versa. When you break up, what are you supposed to do with all the knowledge?

I imagine any straight guy reading this is boggled right now, unable to get unstuck from the notion of being friends with exes. Uh, what? My girlfriend gets jealous if I even mention the name of an ex! That may be so, but in the lesbian world, it's more accepted than not. Now, I'm not saying there's no jealousy, or that all lesbians keep their exes around. Just that it does happen frequently enough that it's understood. Individual results may vary.

So, why does this happen?
The way I figure it, I really cared for and admired all of my exes at one point. There's usually good reason for this and it doesn't end when we figure out we don't make a good couple. When it comes to that sudden arrival of excess knowledge and experience, I want to bank it, not throw it away.

I don't have a lot of family and the family I do have, I'm not emotionally close to. For someone like me, it's a cherished thing to have someone I was myself with and who, at the very least, has a deeper understanding of who I am than other people. I'm a guarded person and I can be difficult to know. A couple of my exes expressed frustration at trying to chip through the walls. It's tough for me, so it takes work, but these girlfriends that tried diligently, they have seen things I keep hidden from others. They have seen me bursting with joy and at the depths of despair. They took care of me when I was so sick that I had no pride left. These women and I have been through some shit together. Isn't that the very definition of a friend, someone who is on your side through thick and thin?

On the other side of the coin, so as to not overly glorify ex collecting, the baggage rarely goes away entirely. Whatever resentments existed, the things you disagreed about repeatedly, the hurt feelings; these things might fade to nothing, but chances are their ghosts still linger in dark corners. While it's amazing to have someone who knows you that well, it also can be aggravating to have someone who knows you that well. My ex friendships have generally mellowed over time and our hurts forgiven, but there are several girls out there who know exactly how to push my buttons. ;)

Secret

2010-09-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

We're grateful that most people treated us like crap in our childhood, because it taught us both to value kindness & happiness above all other luxuries or generosities, & it brought us together in friendship & love.

I found this really poignant. I've often wondered how, despite a dysfunctional family and all the shit I've had to swallow over the years, I managed to turn out so well. This postcard made it all clear in an instant -- my experiences have made me deeply value goodness, kindness, honesty, and love.

Utopia

2010-09-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

The world is creeping ever-closer to my idea of Utopia -- a world where you never have to leave your house or interact with anyone. (mostly kidding)

Have you ordered a pizza from Domino's online lately? I was a delivery driver/manager for Domino's ages ago and generally can't stomach it, but they had some tantalizing coupons. Check out this pizza tracking system! A PIZZA TRACKING SYSTEM. Genius.

However, now I know that my pizza came out ages ago and is now sitting in the store getting cold, waiting to be delivered. :\

How to Care for Introverts

2010-09-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

Respect their need for privacy.
Never embarrass them in public.
Let them observe first in new situations.
Give them time to think. Don't demand instant answers. [Ed: OMG, f'serious!]
Don't interrupt them.
Give them advanced notice of expected changes in their lives
Give them 15 minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing before calling them to dinner or moving on to the next activity.
Reprimand them privately.
Teach them new skills privately, rather than in public.
Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities; encourage this relationship even if the friend moves.
Do not push them to make lots of friends.
Respect their introversion. Don't try to remake them into extraverts.

(stolen from Lynne)

Fritatta with Onion & Fresh Herbs

2010-09-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Frittatas were originally a peasant food, made cheap and easy with whatever ingredients were at hand. Frittatas are super delicious and usually a big hit with people. They are super easy to make once you get the hang of them and you can use whatever kinds of ingredients you want. I think my favorite frittata is the egg and parmesan with leftover pasta that had been tossed in my mom's ragu sauce. It may sound weird, but don't knock it until you try it! So yummy. :9

....................................................................................................

1 Onion, thinly sliced or 10 green onions, chopped
1/4 cup olive oil
5 - 6 large eggs (you can use up to 8 or 9 if you like your frittatas thicker), as fresh as possible
4 Tbsp. assorted fresh herbs (parsley, basil, thyme, oregano, etc.)
1 Tsp. assorted dry herbs
1/2 cup Parmigiano, grated (optional)
Salt and pepper to taste

Optional additions:

3 zucchini, sliced
3 golden potatoes, cubed or sliced
1 red pepper, chopped
12 oz spinach or other greens

Place onion, oil, salt and pepper in large sauté pan. Cook until transparent, about 8 minutes using medium heat. Add optional ingredients.

Beat together in small bowl eggs, herbs, cheese, salt and pepper.

When onions (and other veggies) are cooked, add egg mixture to pan. Cook while using a spatula to push the cooked edges toward the middle, tilting the pan to allow the uncooked egg to run into the space. Do this all around the pan until the egg doesn't run anymore.

Check to see if bottom is slightly browned and the mixture is beginning to hold together. If you have an oven-friendly sauté pan, preheat your oven to 350 and when the bottom is browned, pop the pan in the oven until the frittata has cooked through and the top is well-set.

If you don't have an oven-friendly sauté pan, carefully transfer the frittata to a plate or pan cover, then invert back into the pan. Cook the other side then invert onto a serving plate.

Garnish with more fresh herbs and freshly ground pepper, serve warm or at room temperature.

Random Thought

2010-08-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, someone's point of view so disgusts and/or confounds me that I can't even muster a reply.

The End as We Know It

2010-08-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

My time here is winding to a close. It's Thursday evening and I leave on Sunday morning for a few days of mini vacation in Stresa, on Lago Maggiore. My time there is short, but there are really only a couple of things I want to do, so hopefully, it will be peaceful and relaxing. I know the photo ops will abound!

2010-07-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

Hot. Humid. Working my ass off.

Marinated Carrot Sticks

2010-06-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

There are a few items we make and serve on the tours that people go absolutely nuts over, which amuses us quite a bit because everything we do is fairly simple and easy to replicate at home. We're flattered, sincerely, that people like our cooking, but the amusing part is that people seem to think we're like top chefs or something. :)

The marinated carrots get gobbled up and people are always asking for the recipe. So here is how to make them (From Marcella Hazan's Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking):

1/4 pound carrots
1 garlic clove
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
Salt
Black pepper, ground fresh from the mill
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
Extra virgin olive oil

1. Peel the carrots, cut them into 2-inch lengths, and cook them in boiling salted water for about 10 minutes. The exact cooking time will vary depending on the thickness, youth, and freshness of the carrots. For this recipe, they must be cooked until tender, but firm because the marinade will soften them further. To cook them uniformly, put the thickest pieces into the water a few moments before the thin, tapered ones.
2. Drain and cut the carrots lengthwise into sticks about 1/4 inch thick. Place in a small, but deep serving dish.
3. Mash the garlic clove with a heavy knife handle, crushing it just enough to split it and to loosen the skin, which you will remove and discard. Bury the peeled clove among the carrot sticks. Add the oregano, salt, a few grindings of pepper, the red wine vinegar, and just enough olive oil to cover the carrots.
4. If serving them the same day, allow the carrots to steep in their marinade for at least 3 hours at room temperature. If making them for another day, cover tightly with plastic wrap, and refrigerate until 2 hours before serving, allowing them to come to room temperature before bringing to the table. If keeping for longer than a day, remove the garlic after 24 hours.

.

2010-06-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

Jack-of-all-trades, master of ~~none~~ frittatas.

Word of the Week

2010-06-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

This week’s word is slightly more advanced, in that it’s not just Italian, it’s dialect.

Sciùscettùa

It means ‘sea glass’. It’s also the name of one of our favorite cafes/bars. Up until recently we flailed horribly at trying to pronounce this word. With some tutoring from my step-father, we finally got it.

Word of the Week

2010-06-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

Last week's was lavastoviglie, which means 'dishwasher'. A word you'd assume one should come to know pretty quickly, but it's a toughie and hard to wrap your mouth around. Carrie and I learned this one last week when trying to buy dishwasher soap tablets at the market and I made a point to remember it.

So, Word of the Week is born.

This week, it is stuzzicadenti, which means 'toothpick'. Another common one, yet difficult to remember and to say. I think we've mastered it!

Meh

2010-06-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

I'm in a really weird space, quite an odd, transitional period in my life. I don't really know who I am anymore. I mean, I sort of know.. I know what I believe in, what I stand for, that sort of thing, but I have no idea who I've become or what my place is in the world.

In a way, I feel like a ghost. I float through life, going through the motions, but a shadow of myself. I have no idea what people think of me, how I come across, where I'm going, what my place in the world is. I feel almost like I don't exist. If I didn't have interactions with people, I would think I wasn't really here at all.

I feel void, empty, not me, not anyone. I don't like this feeling. Generally, I've been feeling kind of down on myself. I feel like I'm not myself. I don't even get the kind of reaction from other people that I'm used to. It makes me wonder, again, it's like, do I really exist? Who is this person people are talking to? I'm not sure I know her.

Newsies

2010-06-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

Every time I come here, I think maybe this time, I'll be able to blog. The truth is that when I'm here, I am simply too busy and, consequently, too tired. The past week has been a bit of a blur. Carrie left to attend her grandfather's funeral right before I arrived, so I had to hit the ground running despite jet lag and a complete lack of enough sleep.

We have been so freaking busy, it's nuts. I was cooking and cleaning up after two tours a day, by myself. Thank god Carrie returned, but then she had to leave again to attend a friend's wedding in England.
Anyway, I've been pretty much busting my ass since I got here, much of it by myself. I am so glad Carrie's back and now I have company and help!!

It's hard to complain when I'm in one of the world's most beautiful places. I feel ungrateful, actually, for having anything other than Oh my god, I am so lucky! thoughts. The truth is, this is kind of my personal hell, albeit a really beautiful hell? I don't know, I come here and I have to surrender myself, work my ass off, and be bossed around by my mother whenever I'm here. Everyone is always like, Oh, you're so lucky to get to come here for vacation! and I want to reply, Uh, yeah, it's not really vacation for me, is it?

We have mostly been doing tours and such. Other than that, I've done some work on our small farm (orto). Seeing that my mom's been gone for almost a year, everything is really dirty, cluttered, and in need of elbow grease. Angelo kept turning away the lady who usually cleans the house, telling her "my house is clean!" (*cough* bullshit *cough*). Thankfully, we've gone above Angelo's head and now she's begun to work on reversing the deep dirty mess this house has become. My mom would die if she could see it, haha. The truth is, the tours are a ton of work and there really is no way to do that and keep the house in order. I started, one thing at a time, and within three days each part I cleaned was back to its filthy state. Very frustrating.

I can't believe I've only been here just over a week. It feels like a month already. Carrie says she's pretty much over it, since she did this May-October last year, and will probably be leaving in July, when my mom returns. This SUCKS. I rely on Carrie for fun, for someone near my age, someone to balance the craziness that is my family. Even if she wasn't working and helping with the tours, I would want her around as someone to commiserate with.

Anyway, my date of freedom is August 12. I am looking forward to that date like you wouldn't believe. It signals the beginning of my new life in California, on my own, without having an overly-controlling mother breathing down my neck. Getting my life back on track, doing things for me, and being in charge of my own life. With Mom on a separate continent, as I like it. ;)

Alanis Morrissette - Spineless

2010-05-29T02:35:00.000-07:00

Universal Truths

2010-05-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this - ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring Hello? Hello? Damn it!, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times then goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

(stolen from Lisa, who stole it from Jane)

Day 1

2010-05-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Italy yesterday, but am not counting it because it wasn't a full day, I was exhausted and zombie-like, and I didn't really do much. My mom's assistant had to go back to the US due to a sudden family tragedy, so I woke up at 7 this morning knowing I had quite the full day ahead of me.

5 people for the lunch tour, 9 for the sunset tour. The lunch tour has been sent off, and I feel pretty proud of myself for whipping together the food on such short notice and with almost no supplies in the fridge or pantry.

Menu:

Frittata with onion, sage, and zucchini
Caprese salad with cherry tomatoes & fresh basil
Olives from this area
Homemade sundried tomato pesto (used the last of what was in the fridge)
Swordfish steaks and skewers (olive oil, salt, pepper, lemon juice, and rosemary marinade)
Shrimp skewers (olive oil, salt, pepper, lemon juice, and rosemary marinade) - both shrimp and swordfish will be grilled on board
Focaccia (bought, freshly made)
Salumi and Cheese board (parmesan, grana padano, and caciotta)
Sliced peaches (lemon juice and sugar marinade)

The sunset tour will be a bit more difficult. I need to buy more supplies but the stores have closed for siesta. I'm hoping I can knock out the rest of the stuff and then run and get more produce when things re-open. I have to make more spreads -- we serve an artichoke, caper, and green olive spread in addition to the red pesto.
Anyway, not bad for someone still operating on California time. :)

Shamanic Journey Group

2010-04-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the shamanic journey group (meetup.com) and it was pretty emotional for me, as I thought it probably would be.

I had a hard time at the beginnning, loosening up and joining in the circle/energy raising activities.
The first journey, I was so blocked and found it really hard to focus. I couldn't visualize, couldn't get past the tunnel part, even though I desperately wanted to. It was kind of frustrating and made it more difficult to concentrate.

I spent most of the time in the dark, trying to see and feel the tunnel in order to come out of it. Finally, I did, and I was in a peaceful, sunny meadow with tall grass. Immediately, I heard a songbird sing.. loud and clear like it was in the room with my physical body. I didn't see any animals, though I'd hoped my power animal would be waiting at the end of the tunnel to guide me.

I began walking through the tall grass, feeling how good the warmth of the sun felt, how good the grass felt. I stopped and smelled the air and watched the insects flit about.

I kept waiting for an animal to appear, but there was nothing but me, the meadow, and the sun.
It felt really joyful and good and tears started streaming from my eyes... I think because I haven't felt that kind of joy for a long time.

I flopped down in the grass and enjoyed the way it smelled and felt. Then I went and sat with my back against a tree and tried to feel the tree's energy, but I was still really blocked, so I got up and walked through the grass again.

The next thing I knew, I lifted up from the ground and spread wings I hadn't realized I had until that moment. I began to fly, somewhat slowly, and that, too, felt very joyful.

I flew and looked down at the meadow, then a forest, and then I could see a winding, sparkling river. I was about to fly over the river when we got called back to the group and the journey was over.

The second journey, I was in a better mindset and better prepared. This time, I saw the hole immediately, at the base of a tree, and I went in. I could see the darkness winding, the tunnel walls passing as I wound my way down, much like being on a waterslide. It felt like a while before I found the end and I think I was too eager because I found myself in the same meadow as before, only it was dark and lifeless. It didn't feel right, so I went back to the tunnel until I came out again.

The end of the tunnel was covered in leaves. I pushed my way through the leaves and realized that I was in a very tall tree, well off the ground. This surprised me because I expected to come out on the ground.
I started to climb up the tree, up the branches. I kept climbing until I was near the top. I could sense an animal or something about to happen, so I sat down on one of the branches and looked around me.

A large, beautiful red-tailed hawk sat near me. Feathers gleaming in the sun, golden beak, and glinting, intelligent eyes. I was excited because this time I thought I might get some answers.

I greeted the hawk and asked if it could help me. I asked how I could heal my pain and it didn't respond, it just looked at me. I felt so desperate and full of emotion that I cried and kept asking it to help me, how I could heal, how I could get rid of the pain, anger, and resentment.

It responded that I have what I need to heal and then told me most importantly, "You have strength and cunning. You have what you need."

It didn't make me feel better and I wanted to let these things go, to get them out of me. The hawk was very kind, strong, and empathetic. It listened and comforted.

I asked if I could merge with it and then I did. We were one and we took off from the branch and began to soar high above the ground.

The hawk, who I somehow knew to be female, said, "You must let go of these things that weigh you down." With that, I watched a white, stone-like thing fall away and hurtle toward the ground. "If you are not weighed down, you can fly."

Just drop them and let them fall away, and feel lighter.

I still didn't feel healed, as I'd hoped, but I did feel comforted, understood, and listened to. I think the message is that only I can decide to be happy and that I have to decide to drop the bad things that drag me down.

We flew around a while and then I asked if I could ride on her back. We landed, I climbed on, and we flew again. This time, she went into dive and we hurtled toward the ground. "Fear," she said, "is not necessary" and with that, she pulled up and we soared again.

We sat on the branch again and I stroked her feathers. I asked if she could help heal me and I envisioned opening my chest while she plucked out the bad things with her beak.

We ended up flying upward, to the top of a mountain. I took in the world around me and still felt so desperate to be healed. At this point, I wanted an embrace, to be held, and she tried to wrap me in her wings.

I wanted something warm and soft, so I asked if I could see my grandpa and he appeared. Of course I cried again, so happy to see him, but so sad with missing him and that he's gone.

It was wonderful... I hugged and kissed him, held his hand, and he wrapped me in a warm hug, which was exactly what I needed. I got to spend a little time with him, being reminded of how his cheek felt when I kissed him, the smooth dryness of his hands. I got to tell him I love him and miss him and that I'm so regretful that I didn't visit him in the hospital sooner. He reminded me of the moment that day when he recognized me and took my hand. He told me it was okay.

It felt so good to be there with him that I wanted to stay, but that was the end of the journey and I was called back.

Reason #847 Why I Do Not Speak to My Bio Dad

2010-04-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't spoken to my dad in about 12 years. I declined his Facebook friend request. However, his profile is free for anyone to view, and while I was searching for his link to our family tree, I noticed this on his wall:

Srsly? Ugh.

And then, that's not even the half of it.. his wall is full of posts against Obama and praising the neo-Con wingnuts. Then there is this gem, which is so shameful to me.

I'm one of those fruits. Thanks, Dad.

Sound Familiar?

2010-04-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

Cool

2010-04-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

Use this website to create a PDF file which can be printed and folded to create a paper CD case.

I Can Totally Relate to This

2010-04-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Nonsense

2010-02-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

Since arriving back home to California, I've had this nagging, goofy urge to refer to all the Spanish place names (Palo Alto) as their English translations (Tall Tree). I am aware that this amuses only me and have thus far managed to keep this to myself.

Watching the Train Wreck...

2010-02-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

My last girlfriend and I broke up last June. We had a good short run in the beginning (August to December), but from January to June, the relationship had turned so shitty and mentally/verbally abusive towards me that, once the breakup happened, I never looked back.

Curses on you, Facebook, for allowing this crazy ex of mine a venue to subtly inform me she's dating again. I've been preparing myself for this inevitability and what has come up for me is that I don't care, but I guess that's not entirely true because, thinking about it, I felt that I seriously would feel bad for anyone getting involved with my ex because she's super crazy and immature.

Now, I am an emotionally weird person. I have, right hand to God, no desire whatsoever to be involved with E again, yet part of me is slightly jealous or something? I don't get it. Anyway, I was curious and checked out this new girl and she's so damn cute. I am not jealous of the cuteness because I don't give a flip about who E dates, but it does make me feel sorrier for this nice-seeming girl. She has no idea what she's getting involved with.

This is the second time I have really, really wanted to warn someone I didn't know that they might want to think twice about their involvement with a totally crazy person. However, there is no way to go about this that would seem sane, that wouldn't get me in trouble with the crazy, and probably very little likelihood that the person I was trying to tip off would listen to me anyway. It feels like wanting to yell at somebody in a movie, "No, girl.. don't do it! Nononono...aaaaagh, no.."

So, again, I feel helpless, like I know there's going to be a messy train wreck and I just have to stand by and let it happen..

Ridiculous Crushes on Fictional Characters

2010-02-09T07:29:00.000-08:00

My current celebrity crush is Anna Torv. I was bored and started watching Fringe and what immediately hooked me was that there was an ass-kicking female lead character. Oh, and she happens to be so hot.

She's cute and hot and she has freckles. There is also this soft-spoken tomboyishness, which may simply be the character of Agent Dunham, but whatever it is, I like it. Then there's this episode of Fringe that is one of the hotter things I've watched -- Agent Dunham is straight, but does a mind meld with a guy capable of influencing other people's emotions.. just as he's about to seduce a stripper. Anna's acting is superb and her desire for the woman is titillatingly palpable.. I'm practically fanning myself just thinking about it.Anyway, all of this has moved her to the number one spot on my Celebrities I'd Like to Make Out With list.

Imagine my glee when I Googled her and discovered she was in a BBC show and played a lesbian. Now I get to sit in the privacy of my room to perversely revel in the scenes where Anna kisses girls.

Hee hee.

Fun at YearbookYourself.com

2008-09-20T10:52:00.008-07:00

Gaffe a Minute

2008-04-17T11:42:00.003-07:00

As I was reading through this great site, I was inspired to send in my own:

I was waiting tables at a popular chain restaurant when a young couple in their late teens sat down in my section. They were very nice and after talking with them for a while, I noticed that the young man sounded as if he had just had his tongue pierced. I have mine pierced, so I know that for a few days afterward, you talk pretty funny because you can hardly move your tongue. This guy talked exactly like a post-piercee; I was so convinced I was right that, in an attempt to connect with them further, I asked him, "So, when did you get your tongue pierced?"

It was like I dropped a gigantic rock on the floor between us. The couple's faces fell and they stared at me. There was a beat, full of pointed silence, then the girl frankly replied, "That's just the way he talks."

In an uncomfortable moment under their stares, it dawned on me that I had just accidentally made fun of someone with a speech impediment. My eyes grew wide, and my apologies spilled forth. I wanted them to realize that I am not the kind of person that would intentionally do anything of the sort. I finally realized I was probably digging myself deeper, so I sincerely apologized one last time and took my leave. I continued waiting on them, giving them the most personable, stellar service I can offer.

Fortunately, by the end of the meal, they had forgiven me!

Share your gaffes in the comments.. I would love to read them!

Yay, Economic Stimulus!

2008-04-06T01:12:00.002-07:00

I really should be going to bed, but since I have been trying to get the answer to this question for days now, instead I am going to post something I just found to be very useful.

Calculate how much your tax rebate will be here.

Thanks, Mr. Bush, for helping me move out of Roanoke!

Why I'm a Bad Blogger

2008-04-05T12:40:00.003-07:00

So, I'm pretty much back to square one here, writing this blog for myself. It feels a little ridiculous to post this, considering I lost what few readers I had by taking an unannounced year-and-a-half break. In a way, I'm sad.. none of my blog friends asked where I was or anything.. I just quietly faded off their blogrolls.

I can't blame them, though. I'll never be a good blogger for one reason; I can't write unless I'm inspired. I never intended to let my blog wither away in some lost corner of the internet, but life happens and sometimes you suddenly find all your energies focused in another direction. Blogging was always in my mind, but I don't know.. I just couldn't.

My time in Roanoke hasn't been fun and I find myself not having the mental energy to blog. For one, if I'm going to bitch about something here, I want it to be humorous.. and not much about Roanoke is entertaining. It's boring and conservative, I live in a trashy apartment complex, and, as a bonus, every work day is full of B.S. and catering to the sometimes-ridiculous whims of the local rich. I guess you could say I've been demoralized since moving here, and all of this doesn't exactly make for entertaining blog reading.

Even my picture-taking has suffered, and that is saying something! When I look in my photo folder, there are huge, months-long gaps between shoots. Even when I lived in Parkersburg and was at my most miserable, I was still taking pictures all the time.

As far as the blogging thing goes, the biggest thing is the inspiration issue. All my life, I've been told I should be a writer. Maybe so; I do have some talents in this area, but I have a gigantic obstacle: I can never finish any of my work because once the inspiration passes, I'm at a loss to continue. So has it always been with my blog; if you look through the archives, you will see that I'm a fairly sporadic poster.

I need to get over it and start blogging again for my own sanity. I need to focus some creative or whatever energies in a semi-constructive manner. So, as an excuse to get out and take more pictures, I'm toying with the idea of posting more photos here than I have in the past, at least until I leave Roanoke. Or maybe it'll be something I really like and it'll become a permanent feature.

Anyhow, I will be attempting to post more in the future and try to revive this poor, dead blog. Wish me luck.

Homo Erectus Extinctus

2008-04-05T12:20:00.005-07:00

I just finished reading this article and I have to pass it on because I just find it endlessly fascinating. It is jam-packed with information on various topics related to the decline of the Y chromosome, artificial reproduction, and the latest technology that indicates it's possible for two women to use their genetic material to become parents.

"The bill is a reflection of much wider scientific and social changes. The technology to produce artificial sperm, or even create offspring from two females, is already in the pipeline; in addition, genetic evidence has shown that the Y chromosome, the only one that confers maleness, is in a long-term evolutionary decline."

An Afternoon in Portetto

2007-12-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

False Advertising

2007-12-10T14:11:00.001-08:00

So, when I was last at the grocery store, I decided to take a risk and I bought some Lean Pockets, in favor of eating just a smidge better than the regular ones. I always resisted trying them, even though the commercials always show some doofy dude who stole his wife's Lean Pockets and doesn't realize it because they taste so good. I'm afraid I never really bought it and I see now that I was perfectly correct in my fear of these abominations.

Now that I have tried these evil, icky cousins of my beloved Hot Pocket, I see these commercials with new eyes. It's not that the Lean Pockets are awesome, it's that the husband doesn't recognize it's a Lean Pocket because it's so much like eating a handful of sawdust and weird-tasting goo.

Yum. If their sales lag, they could always market toward people who have pica.

The Alena Burger

2007-06-21T19:06:00.001-07:00

Hi.. I'm Alena.. remember me? Sorry for the haitus, it wasn't really intended, but blogging sort of took a back seat once my computer broke last year. After that, it's been sort of hard to get back into the groove. I haven't been writing much, period.

Anyway, onward and upward, shall we? Right then.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but this here is honestly the best damn burger I have ever eaten. It's so good that I am compelled to share the recipe with the world so that everyone else can savor the perfection that is the Alena Burger.

This delicious sandwich was born, purely by accident, one evening when Jen had a craving for a Whopper and my craving was for fresh, homemade french fries. We decided to compromise; we'd eat at home and I would do my very best to recreate the Whopper. While in the produce section, we both noticed ripe avocados and when I found out Jen had never had avocado on a burger, I quickly talked her into adding it to ours. Then we saw the sweet onion burgers and our mouths watered... but aside from that, the burgers were as close to a Whopper as I could get and boy was the outcome goooooood. We've had them several times since. :)

For one burger:

-- 1 Sweet Onions Bubba Burger
-- Pepperidge Farm sandwich bun*
-- 2 slices American cheese
-- 2 rings from a white or yellow onion slice
-- Romaine lettuce, burger-sized leaf or bag mix
-- 2 slices of a good, ripe tomato
-- Mayo
-- Ketchup
-- Half an avocado

Cook hamburger** and while that's cooking, lightly toast sandwich buns. Put one slice of cheese on bottom bun. Spread mayo, ketchup, and avocado on top bun. Place the lettuce on the top bun, then the tomatos and onion. When the burger is cooked, place it on the bottom bun and put the second slice of cheese on top. Put the whole thing together and enjoy!

* The Pepperidge Farm sandwich buns are bigger than your average skimpy burger bun, plus they're yummy.
** Using a George Foreman grill (highly recommended if you don't have one), the burgers take about 7 minutes to cook from frozen all the way through (well done). ~6 minutes for med. well and ~5 minutes for medium.

2006-12-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

Bring the LOLZ

Probably NSFW, but OMG, this video kills me. I heart Margaret Cho!

My Puss

Flash Game To Suck Your Soul: Grow Cube

2006-11-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

Here's a little something to while away those lonely hours waiting for your Wii to arrive or to take up all that time at your job when you're supposed to be working. It's a devious little game, unsuspecting and cutsey, seemingly simple... but beware! This game will own your soul after a few go-rounds.

read more digg story

2006-11-01T12:29:00.000-08:00

2006-09-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have long known that PETA is a group of hypocritical blowhards, but it was rather disturbing to read through the above site, as well as their links to other information. I guess I hadn't realized just how horrific PETA is; mainly I believed that they were misguided and more than a little out there. My Conservation Biology professor told our class about how, one February, PETA activists broke into the Natural Resources College and took all of the turtles out of the terrarium. The PETA people left a note stating they were "liberating" the turtles, which they then "freed" into the Monongahela River. In February. Those poor turtles, going from a pretty easy life in a warm terrarium to freezing to death in a polluted river. Way to go, PETA.

I encourage you to read through the above site and see for yourself. If you are so moved, you can also sign a petition to have PETA's non-profit status removed.

2006-09-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yo

So... it's been an eventful couple of weeks. Let me start off by saying that my last day at the Motown OG was two Sundays ago and it couldn't have come a minute sooner. Most of the people there were great and fun to work with and I'll definitely miss them. However, I will not miss the rest of my experience there.. the only words I can use to describe that restaurant are 'chaotic', 'hell', 'disorganized', and 'way too damn small'.

My last week there was particularly hellish; I was plagued with having the family table a lot and when I didn't have it, I was facing 45-60+ minute ticket times on my tables' meals. Add in a couple of shifts that started out on the totally wrong foot when my first few tables were exceedingly rude/demanding/annoying and/or something big went wrong because of the kitchen, plus the fact that my bag went missing from the break room one night, never to be seen again, and you'll see why I was dying to run out of that place and never look back.

I am just now recovering from some annoying bug that had me run down and feeling like poo for over a week, so dealing with all of the above really took an extra something out of me. I realize the restaurant is new, but that place is a gigantic circus. Not only that, but there are a couple of managers in particular that often act rude, condescending, or sometimes downright bitchy to the employees. I don't know if they're having high turnover because it's so stressful, I don't know if the pieces just aren't fitting well together yet, but wow, is it a gigantic mess!

As for my bag going missing, I'm still a little bit in shock and denial. I didn't have anything of monetary value in there, but not having my keys, card wallet (with my driver's license, etc.), and prescription sunglasses really screwed me. I definitely wouldn't leave money, my iPod, or anything of value sitting around where no one's watching, so I don't understand why anyone would steal it. On one hand, I don't know for certain it was stolen; if someone took it, they didn't try to use my check card or phone card. Nothing else in there was worth anything to anyone but me, which maybe is the most frustrating thing. Even more frustrating and upsetting to me is the idea that whoever took it ended up tossing it in a dumpster somewhere once they realized there was nothing good inside.

Anyway, Jen and I officially live together now. We haven't done much exploring yet, so I'm not sure what or how much the city has to offer, but it doesn't seem like a bad place to live. Our apartment complex is nice and quiet, a welcome change from the rambunctious party neighborhood I just left. The neighbors and people in this area generally seem very friendly and nice, which is also welcome. I thought people in WV were pretty friendly, but I dare say the people here are even more so.

Last but not least, I arrived just in time for the Pride festival! I've never heard of Pride in September, but they apparently hold it now because there's too much competition from other events during spring/summer. Jen and I live close to a Barnes & Noble, something of a treat for both of us because we both like to wander around, and during our visit last night, I met a really nice gay boy who worked there. I was trying to find The Advocate and he stopped what he was doing to help me, then we started chatting. He let me know about the Pride celebration this Sunday and, as luck would have it, I have Sunday off! Not only that, but I looked at the Pride website and almost couldn't believe it when I saw that Melissa Ferrick will be playing! I was excited enough by Pride alone, considering it's been ages since I last went (though I've wanted to), but to find out that after about five years of waiting to see her live, I get to see Melissa Ferrick twice in a year? Sweet!!

2006-08-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

Quickie

Just a quick note to say that I have no internet at home these days.. my computer is essentially just barely working. Financially, I'm trying to save my money for boring stuff like bills and rent, plus the plan is that I'm going to be moving to Roanoke in maybe a month or so, depending on whether I can rent out my apartment or not. I know this last bit may seem a bit of a surprise; the decision was a bit sudden, but honestly, I think it will be really good overall.

For one, I haven't been very happy at WVU, both with my program and the school in general, so I definitely wasn't looking forward to registering and going back this semester. The plan is that I'll apply at Virginia Tech, which appears to have a program very similar to mine, so hopefully, the transfer won't be too painful. Secondly, after basically living with Jen for like three months, this separation is really difficult for both of us. I think we both agree that our quality of life is much better when we're together; we eat better, exercise more, and we're definitely much happier when we're together.

So basically, I don't have the resources to get my computer fixed, nor do I have the patience any longer to figure out what the problem is. I have been suffering through the stop errors and other weirdness for about a month and a half now, and I'm really over it. It's a little boring at home without the internets to occupy me, but hopefully I won't be without for too long. I'll post when I'm able, but I just wanted to drop in and explain the cause of my absence.

2006-08-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

Hola

So.. I've been crazy busy and basically not living at my apartment for nearly a month, which is the cause of my most recent blog hiatus. Well, that and the fact that my computer is dead; no idea what the problem is, but I can't even boot it up anymore. Le sigh. If I can't fix it by the time school starts, that's really going to bite.

I'm currently in Roanoke, VA.. I am very sad to say that Jen's time in Motown has run out and it's been a bit hectic getting her house packed up and moved down here in time for her internship. She's in her last year of a psychology PhD program at WVU; her internship just started on Monday and, unfortunately for both of us, she will be working here for the next year. 5.5 hours away from one another.. very sad. :(

We haven't been apart much yet, so I'm not sure the reality of the whole situation has entirely sunk in, at least for me. I have to drive back home tonight because I have to work in the morning, and this will be the start of our extended separation. I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much, considering long-distance relationships aren't easy (and there are other complications, as well) but I admit that part of me feels like this is just the start of something good. I found someone awesome.. she's smart, funny, goofy, laid-back, fun, kind, fair, considerate.. and to be perfectly honest, I really want a future with her. If it's not plainly obvious, yes, I'm in love! I'm trying to be realistic, so anything could happen at this point, but keep your fingers crossed for me.

Anyway, I suppose that's all the news I have for now. Please send good computer-fixing vibes my way!!

2006-07-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

Alena's Bat Adventures, Part Deux

After the heart-pounding excitement of my first bat adventure, I had both hoped and assumed that it was a singular strange and random event. As in.. oh, I don't know.. it wouldn't repeat itself.

Just a bit ago, I went into the kitchen for a moment. Because I wasn't planning on being in there long, I didn't turn the light on. As I was turning to walk back into the living room, I heard a noise behind me. It was a small, rustly thud that sounded like something lightweight and soft falling on the ground. Seeing as my kitchen is full of random stuff likely to fall on the floor, I didn't think much of it. As I approached the far end of the kitchen, I spotted a dark shape somewhat resembling a crumpled-but-uncrumpling grocery bag, and assuming that's what it was, further approached in order to pick it up.

That was when the thing moved and in an instant of shocked recognition, I saw what it was. On the floor, crawling and flailing its wings, was a bat. Oh, shit! was the first thing out of my mouth and I froze. Not again!

I flipped on the light and visually verified that I was looking at a small, furry, winged mammal, which was now chilling in the vicinity of my stove. I did a quick pace of the apartment, closed my bedroom door, and tried to come up with an eviction strategy. I was grateful that the bat wasn't flying around all crazy like the last one, but I worried that if it wasn't simply stunned, it might be sick or something. I'm not afraid of bats per se, but the last thing I want is to get the rabies. You think I'm crazy now, but wait until you see me foaming at the mouth.

The bat's calm demeanor afforded me the opportunity to run and grab my camera because, of course, no bit of craziness in my life should go undocumented.

What is the deal with these bats, anyway? I mean, who else do you know has had two bats invade their home within a one year period?

Since my little friend was kindly holding still despite my moving around and multiple camera flashes, I decided to venture near it to grab my bucket. When I have insect invaders, I use a cup-and-postcard method to put them outside. I figured, why mess with success?

I got my bucket and positioned it over the bat, but it was partially under the stove and didn't move, even when the bucket was mostly on top of it. I looked around for something to poke it with, and then nudged it away from the stove.

The little bugger put up a bit of a fight then and proved it wouldn't let me win so easily. It started flailing and skittering across the floor as I attempted to maneuver the bucket around it, a difficult feat considering I was trying really hard to not crush a wing or hurt it.

After a bit of wrangling, I found my window of opportunity and got the entire rim of the bucket on the floor. The bat was finally captured and, as the plastic closed in around it, it chitter-shrieked to let me know it wasn't too happy about it.

The most nerve-wracking part over, I took a collapsed cardboard box and gently slid it under the bucket. I then opened the kitchen door to the balcony and propped open the screen. Of course, being 4th of July weekend, a ton of people were gathered in my neighbors' yard, with plain and full access to the potential drama about to unfold. Under the watch of fifteen drunken people, and once again in a wife-beater and boxers, I carried the bucket, cardboard, and bat out onto my balcony.

I opened the contraption and set the bat on the armchair outside, which was the best-lit portion of the balcony. I wanted to keep an eye on it as I went back inside, lest it come attack me or try to fly back into my kitchen. I watched for a moment and the bat seemed confused. It crawled around a little, but didn't take off right away. I felt badly for it because I thought it was sick, but then the next thing I knew, the little bugger took off and flew in my general direction.

To my credit, I avoiding shrieking or making an ass out of myself for the most part (you know, aside from my carrying out a big yellow bucket and a cardboard box in the least flattering outfit I own), but when I saw that bat coming at me, I did run back inside rather quickly to shut the door.

2006-06-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

Just... Wow Part II (Now With Even More Craziness)

2006-06-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Just... Wow.

2006-06-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

What's Up

So, as I alluded to in my previous post, I've been pretty busy hanging out with Jen and haven't been spending much time online, hence the lack of posting. Not that I've ever been a really good blogger that way, but whatever. Anyway, said 'hanging out' has included my starting to cook again, something that I generally only do when I have someone else to cook for. Cooking just for myself seems more of a pain in the ass than anything else, so I tend to get extremely lazy when it comes to feeding only myself.

Apparently, my subconscious digs the fact that I'm cooking, or maybe it's the fact that I've pulled off a few really good meals lately.. which has been especially satisfying because I didn't really know what I was doing and sort of made it up as I went along. For example, we got some steak and chicken breasts and had some red wine in the kitchen, so I pulled off a pretty decent-tasting wine sauce using mere guesswork. I was pretty proud of myself when I tasted the end result.

Anyway, as I was saying, I guess my subconscious likes my self-congratulatory pull-it-out-of-thin-air cooking lately, because last night, I had a really fantastic dream. I can hear you all groaning from here.. yes, I know other people's dreams are rarely very interesting blog fodder, but I have to share this particular one because it was so awesome.

An indication that perhaps I've been watching too much T.V. lately, I have started having dreams involving different shows and characters from the shows I like. Last night's dream, though, was the best so far. I really enjoyed watching the first season of Top Chef, and in my dream, I found myself in the Top Chef finals. Me and someone else, battling it out for the title of Top Chef.

In the dream, I was basically me.. that is to say, not a chef. Ha. But somehow, it didn't seem weird that I'd gotten as far as I had, that I'd beaten out all the other fancypants chefs, which I'm guessing was due to my mad kitchen skillz. No matter how strange it might seem upon waking that I should find myself in the Top Chef finals, it was obvious by the way the other chefs treated me that I had earned my place there. As in, no one seemed shocked at all.. though I have no idea whether anyone knew I wasn't actually a chef.

The dream was really vivid and linear, which made it like watching myself in a movie. On the show, a bunch of chefs start out, get whittled down in number in various challenges, until two remain. Then, the final meals are these two huge multi-course shebang things, cooked separately by the two finalists and their sous-chefs, who are some of the eliminated people from previous episodes.

So I'm cooking my meal, and at the beginning, everything was going pretty well. My appetizer and first course went out without much of a hitch. No idea what they were, but I was pretty satisfied with my effort. Then the trouble started.. I started having to put out fires. I'd forgotten this, I had to do that, this didn't get finished.. until I was somewhat panicked and began to realize I wasn't going to win. The thing is, I was so honored to have gotten as far as I did, I didn't care that much that I'd be placing second. The end part of the dream was a bit like what I call 'server nightmares', which are essentially dreams of waiting tables, involving a brand of high panic because something is seriously wrong and for whatever reason, you can't fix it in the dream.

So I realized mid-way through my courses that I was supposed to be serving different wine varieties with each course, and one of the judges snarkily pointed out where they had been sitting, unnoticed, all along. It was kind of late to fix it, so I went on to the next thing. Then I was supposed to have a cheese plate go out before the dessert, but I was in the weeds and had to run around asking my sous-chefs if any of them knew anything about cheese because I didn't. I don't know whether that ended up going out, but the thing that sealed my demise was the dessert.

I had been trying to make these apple tartlets, not anything I've attempted before in real life, but the best part was I didn't have them in tart or pie pans or anything; I instead just laid down some tin foil on the oven rack (which I've been having to do at Jen's because she owns no baking sheets or pans) and put the tartlets on that. When I opened the oven and saw that the crusts had expanded into brown, unappetizing mounds on the foil, I knew I would never win the competition. I finally just shrugged and accepted defeat, but was determined to get all the food out anyway, as unappetizing as it might look. To my sous-chefs, I joked around and called the ruined tartlets "poo pies," either because they looked like crap or because they somewhat resembled.. well.. you get the picture.

In any case, I did not win the title of Top Chef, but I was so pleased with myself for having come in second. As we left the competition, my sous-chefs and I, they told me they were impressed with all I had done to get there, and I talked fondly of how cooking runs in my family. Chefs walk into the sunset.. roll credits.

Anyway, the second point of this post, aside from the uber-boring, drool-inducing dream segment, is that I have been having some really good meals lately. So good that I may have to brag... What we had tonight was so exciting and delicious and GOOD that I just had to share. I fired up the charcoal grill and made grilled corn, asparagus, and yummy, meaty short ribs with a Jack Daniels BBQ sauce. Yum!

2006-06-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

So... Hi!

Wow, has it been a month-ish already? Someone should kick the management of this blog in the ass and get them in gear, you know? Yeesh.

Anyway, my apologies for the unexpected hiatus.. I have been a mixture of busy, preoccupied, not home, and not online. I only just noticed how long it's been since I last posted, so whoops!

About two months ago, I met a really cool girl and we have been spending a lot of time together. Because she is a potential reader of this blog, I feel way too shy and awkward to gush about how much I like her, so you'll have to forgive the lack of details. In any case, I'd like to you all to meet Jen. Isn't she a cutie?

2006-05-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

Evolution of Dance

Truly one of the funniest, most awesome things I have seen in a while. Take a look!

(ganked from apostropher)

2006-05-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

Spammers Take It Where It Hurts

A few weeks ago, I joined Blue Security, an Israel-based company bravely fighting on the front line of the spam war. If you're interested in both fighting spam and receiving less of it, go to their website and download the Blue Frog software, then register your email address(es). Blue Security will add it to its Do Not Intrude Registry and then automatically send opt-out messages to the spammers you report, as is your right under the Can-Spam Act.

Apparently, Blue Security and Blue Frog have been so successful that they are really pissing off the spammers. One in particular, the second biggest spammer in the world at 9% of all spam emails sent, has declared war on Blue Security and its users. Many of us received the following email:

Hey,

You are recieving this email because you are a member of BlueSecurity (http://www.bluesecurity.com).

You signed up because you were expecting to recieve a lesser amount of spam, unfortunately, due to the tactics used by BlueSecurity, you will end up recieving this message, or other nonsensical spams 20-40 times more than you would normally.

How do you make it stop?

Simple, in 48 hours, and every 48 hours thereafter, we will run our current list of BlueSecurity subscribers through BlueSecurity's database, if you arent there.. you wont get this again.

We have devised a method to retrieve your address from their database, so by signing up and remaining a BlueSecurity user not only are you opening yourself up for this, you are also potentially verifying your email address through them to even more spammers, and will end up getting up even more spam as an end-result.

By signing up for bluesecurity, you are doing the exact opposite of what you want, so delete your account, and you will stop recieving this.

Why are we doing this?

Its simple, we dont want to, but BlueSecurity is forcing us. We would much rather not waste our resources and send you these useless mails, but do not believe for one second that we will stop this tirade of emails if you choose to stay with BlueSecurity.

Just remember one thing when you read this, we didnt do this to you, BlueSecurity did.

If BlueSecurity decides to play fair, we will do the same.

We are quite sure you will think this will not continue, that we will not continue wasting our resources doing this, feel free to wait out the first 48, or the second, and see whether these stop, you will be quite suprised.

If you have another email under the protection of bluesecurity, and have not recieved this there, do not worry, you will soon enough.

We mightve had your email addresses before in our lists, but now, we are targetting YOU, because YOU are a bluesecurity user.

You might also notice, that the BlueSecurity site(http://www.bluesecurity.com) is down..

Just remove yourself from BlueSecurity, and make it easier on you.

Nigel Montano

The tone is rather threatening, but I can't get over the author's righteous indignation. Kind of amusing and sad at the same time, yet also somewhat hopeful because it indicates we're winning. You can check out the blog entry in response to the spammer's attacks, including Denial of Service attacks on the Blue Security server (it's really not all that alarming). I encourage you to sign up, as well. The more people reporting spam means the more emails the spammers receive and, based on the above reaction, I'd say all we need to do is keep on fighting.

And I just want to know.. is spam email even lucrative? Who the hell actually buys stuff from spam solicitations?

Articles:

- Spammer Desperately Tries to Undermine Blue Security (Alice Hill's Real Tech News)
- Retaliation for Antispam Success? (Wired News)
- Spammer Threatens Anti-Spam Group (InternetWeek)

2006-04-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

Rejected!

So, today I got a rejection letter in the mail from a national wildlife refuge in NH, to which I had applied for an internship this summer. I suppose I'm disappointed and a little confused, but that's life, right? And it's not like I really have a ton of experience, but, duh, that's the whole point of taking internships. I'm confused because I received a forwarded email from the place that essentially stated they were desperately in need of applicants, yet in my rejection letter they stated that they had received many applications and the position was highly competitive. Eh? I mean, I guess they could have received a deluge of applicants after the email was forwarded on, but I can't help but wonder if they were simply being nice.

That leaves me here in Motown for the summer, disappointing on one hand, but also not on the other. For one, being a year-round resident, I really enjoy it when everyone clears out for breaks. It's way quieter and more peaceful, plus there's less traffic and annoying/idiotic people to deal with.

The semi-suck thing is that I have to get a job because I'm sick of being broke all the time. It's not working that sucks so much as where I'm going to be working. You see, there's an OG opening up here, they've been building it for months and I have been waiting to apply. Actually, it looks pretty nice, it's a Tuscan Farmhouse OG, plus I think it would be fab to work in a restaurant that wasn't falling apart in various ways, due to age.

Back with the spaghetti-slinging, guys. I'm simultaneously okay with and dreading it. I just really, really hope the clientele is better than in Pburg. I mean, Motown is more affluent in general, but OG, I think tends to attract a certain type of customer because it's in the family restaurant market. If the tip situation is anything like the scraping-10% crap I had to deal with for over two years, I don't know what I'll do. I really wish the Cafe Bacchus thing had worked out, or alternately that my boss hadn't been such a degrading prick that I had to quit.

Despite my dreading the whole step-and-fetch deal of OG, I think my best job option at this point is to wait tables. Can't beat the flexibility and having cash all the time. Plus I have really been a lazy bum and quite aimless and unmotivated without a job. On the other hand, I feel like I'm happier when I'm working even if the job annoys the hell out of me. Also as a small bonus, working at a restaurant makes me a thousand times less likely to eat out of boredom, so that combined with the running around will help me shed some of this weight. :)

2006-04-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

Sadly, No Mutant Powers Yet

You guuuuuuuuys... I'm a mutant. :(

Earlier this evening, I all of a sudden noticed a freakish, semi-large bump on my right wrist. I've lately been having a bit of wrist pain, and was thinking I might be developing carpal tunnel due to my extremely "up yours, ergonomics" computer setup. I have long had a freakish bump on my right shin, similar in appearance but painless and probably a random fat deposit, except the the one on my wrist is as hard as bone.

I spent some time palpating it, rotating both wrists, and trying to assess whether it was bone, which only led me to the conclusion my left wrist is normal and my right is definitely not. In fact, in some positions, the bump is huge. And slightly sickening.

I then consulted the Google Oracle, and Lord Almighty, I have yet another medical condition, possibly requiring surgery: interesting name, but kind of gross to look at.

I guess if you're going to have a disturbing medical condition, it may as well have a creepy name.

I had a migraine coming on all this afternoon, which was only getting stronger despite the Excedrin I took. Looking at my grody wrist bump at length and doing the online research totally pushed me over the top. I was this close to hurling from the grossness of it all and had to go lie down. YES MY OWN WRIST KIND OF MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.

Just waiting for those cool mutant powers to kick in and make up for it...

2006-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Congress is Giving Away the Internet

Rather disturbing article here.

This is bad. Very, very bad. :(

2006-04-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

Ticks, Spiders, and Annoying People, Oh My!

This past Thursday, my Behavior Patterns of Animals class ~~hopped~~ crammed into a couple of vans and drove the 7 hours each direction to Chincoteague, Virginia, home of the famed wild ponies, for a three day field trip. I was very excited about the ponies because when I was a kid, I read and fell in love with the Misty of Chincoteague books. As a west coast kid, it always seemed to me that I'd never actually get to Chincoteague, much less would I ever get to see the ponies. I also have long been a total horse freak, so that was a real treat.

So much about this trip was kind of annoying, but in the spirit of trying to be a more positive person, I will attempt to not dive right into the bitching, especially as I had several days to rant with a few other aggravated people on the trip. Instead, I will tell you that we went to the Assateague Island National Wildlife Refuge and it is stunningly beautiful. In fact, we happened to go at a time they were calling for thunderstorms each day, which meant we had some amazing and breathtaking clouds, skies, and sunsets.

We got to go into some restricted areas with the rangers, which meant we got to get super close to the ponies, as well as visiting some very untouched areas of the refuge, such as a beach completely without any human footprints. That was so nice. In addition, we all had collection permits, so we were allowed to keep all the cool shells and such that we found along the way.

We stayed at the Marine Science Consortium on Wallops Island, which provided us with dorms and a cafeteria breakfast at 7:30 in the morning. We did tons of walking and far more birdwatching than anything else, because our prof is a birder. I like birds, but in my experience of growing up with 'the birdman' (as he calls himself), I know you're either a birder or not, which makes more than one day of birdwatching a bit boring because you're totally ready to look at something else. All of my classmates are pre-vet or Animal Science majors except for the three of us in my major. However, I will say that we wildlife biology people were fairly impressed that we actually got to see, in the flesh, some of the birds we've been studying. It was also cool that we knew more about some things than anyone else, so our 'expertise' was deferred to a few times. I get a huge thrill from actually being able to apply the things I've learned in school, I think mainly because it reinforces that I am actually getting an education.

The second day, we met up with another biologist guy who took us to the restricted naval base portion of of Assateague Island. In addition to the Navy stuff there, there was also a NASA installation. I think I was more impressed with the battleship and cruiser training facilities there than anything else. I wanted to take pictures of them because they were so cool, but considering it's a restricted military area, I figured it might look sketchy rather than innocent and that they would probably take issue with my photography. Essentially, they were huge installations that were as much of a working battleship or cruiser as could be plopped onto dry land. Everything on them worked, including the radars, guns, and missiles. We also saw a few rocket and missile launching getups and learned about how they fire both into the ocean. Apparently they have a high-speed camera that takes pictures of the missles as they're fired. We also saw a big ammunition locker, made of several feet of concrete and dirt above ground because of the marshy conditions and high water table. There was also a big centrifuge deal, of which I forget the actual term, but essentially they put the missles in there and spin them around to make sure everything is smooth and balanced before firing.

There was also a very old house that had belonged to Mr. Wallops, the original owner of the island, who was kicked off his island by the Navy, thanks to imminent domain or whatever the hell you call it. I really wanted to check the house out, too, but we were too busy offering our warm bodies in sacrifice to the bloodthirsty ticks hidden in the fragmites and marsh grasses. See, the biologist directed us past the battleship and cruiser, past the house, to a more remote portion of the island. Apparently, they have a peregrine falcon or two out there on a platform and my professor really wanted us to see it. The thing was, the platform was like half a mile to a mile away, so all one could really see was the big plastic doghouse igloo with a black speck perched on top. Even the prof's scope didn't help much.

Anyway, we'd all piled out of the vans and start trekking through the grass. None of us had known we were having a tick lunch party, so no one had worn any bug repellant. We all got out on the point all right, except for the biology dude who pulled off a couple ticks, we looked at fiddler crabs, and got around the bend to get a better look at the falcons. However, when I realized that the flattened grasses we were standing on were home to eleventy billion black spiders, I started getting the heebie-jeebies and headed back toward the muddy portion so I could at least see what was under my feet. I like peregrine falcons a lot, but I have seen my share of them in California, plus it was hard to get excited about looking at a doghouse igloo and a magnified black spot.

There are two things in this world that turn me into the grossest freaking girly girl: spiders and ticks. People seem to think it's really funny when I run around screaming and yelping, the bastards. I had my first tick ever last summer in Scotland, and it was a somewhat traumatizing experience that I was hoping to not repeat.

Anyway, after about half an hour of fucking around with the scope to no avail, we headed back to the vans. This was when the reality of the ticks dawned on us all. I placed myself in the middle of the group and tried to look at the stalks of tall grass I had to brush past. At one point, I looked down and, lo and behold, there was a sneaky tick hanging on to the fragmites bent across the trail. I would have absolutely walked into it, had I not noticed. Ugh. So I spent the rest of the afternoon there on the island freaking out about ticks and being hyper-vigilant. We drove to the beach area and as we were standing around by the vans, my professor found a tick on him. He put it on his finger, I guess to show everyone what they look like because the Animal Science girls.. well.. they're not outdoors people, to put it kindly. Anyway, he brought that tick finger near me, WAY too near me, and I nearly fell down, I couldn't get away fast enough. There may also have been some yelling and squealing and people laughing at me.

When we went on the beach, the biology guy told us we'd find all sorts of random debris amongst the shells and ocean detritus. Because the Navy and NASA do test firings and such, there was a possibility that we would find some of these parts on the beach. This was yet another highlight of the day, whereupon every random piece of garbage we found was labeled 'a NASA [piece of garbage]'. Such as, "Oooohh, look! I found a NASA rubber glove!" or "Wow, this [NASA aluminum can] must be part of the nose cone!" Yeah, we're dorks and perhaps easily amused, but it was fun. Then, to top it off, we actually found a real, honest-to-god rusty nose cone! I had wanted to find a true piece of NASA debris as a souvenir, so I was going to bring it home, but out of context and without any markings on it, it kind of wasn't that cool.

In any case, it was an interesting weekend. Two of the Animal Science girls got ticks on their hoo-has, and I am thanking whatever gods may be that I managed to escape that fate. If you're interested in my trip pictures, they can be found here. The pony ones didn't come out as well as I'd have liked, but I think the rest of them are pretty damn nice, if I do say so myself. :)

2006-04-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

Stupid Smart

My life at times is somewhat like a black comedy. You see, I very earnestly live my life and I try pretty hard to not do stupid things, yet somehow they always manage to sneak up on me anyway. It's only funny because the circumstances are often so sadly, stupidly, tragic. That or tragically stupid. As Karen Walker would say, "It's funny 'cause it's sad..."

Case in point as to what a cosmic joke my life can be despite my best efforts, let me tell you what Idiot Savant Alena did this evening. It all began when Rachael sent me an invitation to some social networking site. I was somewhat distracted, but started the registration anyway. Next thing I knew, I was presented with an option to import my Gmail contacts. Cool, I thought, and clicked on the button.

The next button was to import and invite my contacts. I only gave this a quick ponderance and, thinking of the people I email most, went ahead and clicked the button. The moment I saw the next screen and the reality of what I was seeing hit me, I was completely mortified. One of the Gmail's features that I have up until this point loved, is that it stores the information of everyone you have email contact with. Maybe you see where this is heading. Oh yes, not only did my dearest friends receive invitations, so did just about every single person I have ever emailed or received email from, including some of my professors and my advisor. I feel like a complete tool.

Fortunately, most of the recipients won't care or it won't matter, but then there's the fact that I just accidentally spammed a bunch of my profs, one of whom I anticipate will be highly annoyed. Plus the invitation includes my profile and probably my picture, so they know exactly which idiot I am. Heh.

If it's even possible, it gets worse. Included in that contact list were people I am no longer speaking to, for various reasons that make this whole thing just bad and really embarrassing. No, no.. I couldn't just do something stupid, I have to have all the humiliation and awkwardness in a huge pile on top of each other.

So, you see, I have this astounding gift of completely defying my intelligence in one second of brilliant stupidity. I mean, when I do stupid, I really do stupid. This is why I refute all suggestion toward any special intelligence on my part; obviously I do dumb very well, thank you.

Anyway, I sent an apology letter out, but the damage is done and I still feel really stupid about the whole thing. I just can't believe I did that!

2006-03-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Field Name: Anastasia Beaverhousen

Legend in this country speaks of a tribe of secret agents living, breathing, eating, and shopping amongst the masses of unknowing American citizens. Trained to blend in and to avoid conspicuity, these ever-mysterious souls drifting in our midst look just like you and me. These skilled chameleons quietly embrace their noble duty that serves this country as a whole. They are so secretive and invisible that some people may not even believe they exist, but I stand to attest that they do indeed exist. As of today, my friends, yours truly is offically a mystery shopper.

Unfortunately, almost all information is Top Secret and I am not at liberty to discuss who I work for or to identify the business I infiltrated this afternoon. That is classified information that could compromise my mission. What I will say is that the experience was kind of intense. I had the world's longest list of things I had to record, so I felt very pressured to remember all the points and make sure I answered everything accurately. I think the hardest part was trying to watch the employees (and get close enough to read their name tags) without arousing suspicion. Let me tell ya, people tend to notice when you're staring at them (or at their chest).

2006-03-27T10:45:00.000-08:00

Random

As some of you may know, I spent my senior year as an exchange student in France. It was the 1993-1994 school year, which also just happened to be the year that the North American Free Trade Agreement was passed with much fanfare and discussion. I didn't pay much attention to politics back then, but one of my host relatives pointed out something interesting, something so coincidental I still can't get over it.

In French, NAFTA is called l'Accord de Libre-Échange Nord-Américain. And the acronym? ALENA.

Weird, eh?

2006-03-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

Postcards from the Edge

I recently discovered and have fallen in love with Postcrossing, 'The Postcard Crossing Project'. I love postcards, pen pals, and getting mail other than bills, so Postcrossing to me is slightly addictive. Essentially, once you sign up, you request someone's address, which gets chosen randomly and could be anywhere in the world (so far I've had New Zealand, Australia, Finland, and England). Once you send your postcard off and it gets received, the person registers it and then someone else will randomly receive your address. I have gotten one from a German exchange student in Canada and another from a guy in Spain. It's a lot of fun.. you get to make contact with people all over the world you would probably never know ordinarily, plus you get to send and receive fun mail.

I have a thing for postcards, so I started collecting them years ago. When I get a new Postcrossing address, the fun is randomly picking one and then figuring out what to write on it. I have sent poetry, quotations, as well as brief notes about the card or whatever. It's fun, check it out!

2006-03-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

My Shower: Smurf Murder Scene

I had an interesting and pretty fun evening last night. It started off with my decision to dye my hair a crazy blue. The color is 'After Midnight Blue', which I'd hoped would be a really nice dark blue, but since my hair never takes the color it's supposed to, it's kind of like a vivid aquamarine.. looks blue in some lights, looks green in others. Even though this change would maybe seem surprising or out of character to the people I've met since leaving California, way back in the day, I used to frequently Manic Panic my hair some crazy color. I've always enjoyed it because it's one way to outspokenly embrace my differentness, but in recent years, I have always had a job with a dress code and it's been something I have been unable to do. It dawned on me yesterday that I have nothing preventing me from doing it now, so yeah, I have punk rock hair and it kinda rules.

After I dried my hair and surveyed the new 'do, I called Dan to see if he wanted to go out. Dan and I had gone to an awesome Natalia Zukerman concert at Weezie's, the lesbian bar, on Melissa's birthday and Dan really liked the bar and wanted to go back. It's a pretty chill place, as far as bars are concerned. Anyway, Dan and I headed to Weezie's and hung out for a while. One of the bartenders, Jeremy, is friends with Melissa and even though he wasn't supposed to be working, he was there. Jeremy's really fun and cool, so it was awesome to see him. Even though it was a Saturday night, there was no DJ and Jeremy was running around trying to do bar stuff and DJ at the same. I asked him to let me DJ and the next thing I knew, I was in the booth spinning CD's. w00t!

A table of older ladies sitting near the booth asked me what music there was "for old people". I laughed and handed them the binder of songs to browse, along with a pen and paper to write down what they wanted to hear. A few minutes later, they handed me their list with a $5 bill. Ha! I didn't even know people tip DJ's, but right on.. and then later after I'd played their songs, they asked me again, I handed them the binder, and got given their list with another fiver. Sweet! Even though I wasn't officially getting paid, that definitely was a nice gift towards my bar tab.

Dan switched early on from Bud Lite to very strong Long Islands ("We call 'em 'Strong Islands' around here!"), so toward the end of the night, he was pretty blitzed. At one point, I looked over to where he and Jeremy were sitting at the bar, only to discover that Dan was shirtless. That totally cracked me up, because it was like one minute he was wearing it, the next minute not. The funniest thing about it was maybe half an hour later, when Jeremy came over to us and told Dan he had to put his shirt back on because "the lesbians are complaining that it's a health code violation." omfglol. It's a fucking gay bar, for Pete's sake... what gay bar doesn't have shirtless men walking around??? That kills me.

Anyway, I DJed until closing and I had a really great time overall. Dan.. <3 you, big guy. ;)

2006-03-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

If You Wouldn't Mind...

Please take a moment to go here and sign to be a citizen co-sponsor of the 2006 Roadless Area Conservation Act. A cute, furry creature somewhere will thank you.

2006-03-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

Rocking the Classics

I'm having some fun browsing YouTube. This kid kicks ass.. he is seriously good. This is the second clip I've seen from this guy, and from what I remember, he arranged and composed this himself.

2006-03-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

Talk About Issues..

2006-02-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

Count Your Blessings

I know this is kind of old, but my Speech professor played this in class today as an example of non-verbal communication. It wasn't the first time I'd seen this, but as I sat there watching in the dark, it occurred to me that perhaps it's best I don't own a webcam...

Because I would get bored and eventually this would be me...

2006-02-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

Ancient History

Yesterday I scrounged up all my music/flute paraphernalia and spent about 45 minutes practicing my flute (and about 15 minutes goofing around on the recorder). I guess my karmic reward for taking a step to start playing again was the discovery of a bunch of cool stuff in my Box O' Music that I didn't even know I had. I had a good time sorting through it all and I was rather delighted at some of the things I discovered. Some were a total surprise, such as two stories I started during my senior year in France. I find it amusing to revisit my former selves and it was good to get a glimpse of my mind at the age of 17.

When I write, I have a tendency to start stories and then never finish them. I'm sure I have several more story beginnings stashed around my apartment. I haven't done much creative writing in a verrrry long time, so it surprised me that perhaps I was better at it than I ever gave myself credit for. One of the stories has the best title on the planet (below) and I really wish I had finished because I like it quite a bit. In any case, I thought I would post what I wrote here for several reasons, including amusement, but hopefully you'll forgive me the self-indulgence (and the lack of a real ending). ;)

I always wondered what was wrong with me. There would be the times, in class, when I'd stop listening to the teacher and focus on the sounds outside. The playground noises always wafted uninvited through the closed windows, the echoes of laughter and screams, and for some unexplainable reason, I'd be thinking of summer. The hot, still summer days when you could just feel the emptiness of the world, when the ringing, joyful sounds of the ice cream man's truck would fill the streets, bringing hordes of little, screaming androgynous bodies out in an ecstatic rush.

Thoughts of a warm, sunny beach, bathed in silence and embraced by beauty, where one is lost by thoughts and maybe a little melancholy; a sense of sadness as the burning golden sun slips down on the horizon, an unconscious knowledge that something beautiful has passed.

I never knew why, I always felt like I was missing something in my life, I had an achingly hollow feeling inside, the thoughts of summer and what I was supposed to be only magnified it. Even the busiest days would leave me craving something, an unnameable empty feeling, a melancholy that I wanted so much to lose.

I couldn't help but think about it and those visions of summer swam in my head. The world would slow until an almost stop, no one would exist except me and I'd be carried away my something I couldn't explain.

2006-02-24T10:36:00.000-08:00

To All the Smug Mac Idolaters Out There

I used to be a total Mac girl. Aside from my TRS-80, which I don't really count, the first computer I used was a Mac. I loved Macs and I stayed quite loyal to them for around 15 years, until I got fed up with Apple's pure money-grubbing. My family has owned about 5 Macs over the years, but I defected a few years ago and last year, I talked my mom into ditching the Mac platform altogether. I was originally frustrated with the lack of applets and software available for Macs, but eventually I lost almost all respect for the company that makes them. Apple used to be about the user and the user experience, it was a different company model and what they were doing was pretty cool. However, at some point, they became about how much money they could extract from their customers' wallets. Yes, I have an iPod, but I still dislike Apple quite a bit.

Anyway, every time I get into a Mac vs. PC debate, the Mac lover will invariably (and smugly) note that there are no Mac viruses. They explain that while we PC users are often barraged with worms, trojans, and suspicious attachments, the Mac users have a blissful, worry-free computer experience.

Well, not anymore...

Experts detect first Mac virus

2006-02-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

Hidden

So, truly, I have been trying so hard not to be freaked out by this year's birthday. The date may be eight months away, but it is visibly looming there on the horizon. Despite my efforts, it does freak me out and I have been doing a hell of a lot of thinking over the past few months.

Basically, I have been taking stock of my life and of who I am as a person and what I have observed displeases me greatly. I don't like myself or the little crevice of life that I have carved out for myself. Because of this, the fact that I'm nowhere near what I want for myself at 30, I am going through an existential crisis. It is a crisis to me because I feel there is so much work to be done and it all seems impossible.

I don't like how I act, the things I do, or how I treat people. I am self-centered, self-defeating, lazy, and have great difficulty disciplining myself. In addition, I am not satisfied with my behavior in relationships with friends and family. For one, I am definitely a distant person, though I don't really mean to be. I would describe myself as a fortress, but not just a fortress... a fortress with a hundred different concentric walls. Gated walls. On the very outside wall is the gate where people I meet are let in. Some people never go any farther, others make their way deeper into the fortress, but no one ever gets all the way in. I don't know when my life became about avoiding attachments/pain and maintaining safe distances between me and everyone in the world, but I have become such a hermit. The irony of the fortress is that it's all for the protection of a woman who is vulnerable and weak, rather than for some mighty queen.

I know that I am overly hard on myself, but seriously, I don't like who I have become. I need a personality Extreme Makeover. I never expected myself to say this, but I like early-20's me better than I like this bitter old-lady-before-her-time me.

Anyway, it's got to stop somewhere, so I made a 43 Things list to keep track of my goals. Wish me luck!

Sounds Dire, Doesn't It?

2006-02-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

Sounds Dire, Doesn't It?

Sounds Dire, Doesn't It?, originally uploaded by Treehugger.

2006-02-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Bit Rusty, Oh!

Just a bit ago, I ran a couple things outside to the garbage and as I was going down the stairs, I stepped on a rusty nail that went through my shoe and stabbed my foot, probably inoculating me with tetanus. From what I know of tetanus, it's probably the most horrible, painful way a person can die. Though, apparently, it's treatable these days. This makes twice in one year that I've had rusty metal pierce my skin, and twice in one year I get to obsess about when I last had a tetanus shot or whether I am going to die a hideous death. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Who gets stabbed by rusty metal this much, anyway??

2006-01-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

Interesting

From Ask Yahoo!:

Dear Yahoo!:
Do "beer goggles" really exist?
-- Tipsy

Dear Tipsy:
For those of you unfamiliar with the party scene, "beer goggles" refers to how people often appear more attractive to you after you've had a few drinks. For a long time, it was just a convenient excuse a person used to explain "regrettable amorous encounters." However, according to a study at the Universities of Glasgow and St. Andrews, beer goggles (or "brew gogs" as they're known in certain fraternal circles) are very real.

It's no secret that excessive drinking leads to poor judgment behind the wheel. Well, it can also lead to poor judgment at your local pub. According to the aforementioned study, what constitutes "attractive" changes drastically after a few drinks. In other words, while you may think you're hitting on a 10, there's a chance you're actually picking up someone in the lower-single digits.

The reasons behind this phenomenon have to do with alcohol stimulating the nucleus accumbens, aka "the part of the brain which is used to determine facial attractiveness." In the 2002 study, male and female students were shown pictures of members of the opposite sex and asked to rate them on a scale of 1-7 (sounds cruel, we know). The more students drank, the higher they rated the photographs.

We hope this sobering study helps encourage more responsible drinking. Remember -- if you're looking for love and don't want to wake up disappointed, you're better off at an ice-cream social than a keg-stand contest.

2006-01-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

Nasty, Nasty Clients

"I recently interviewed a couple hundred piercers about the low points of their career. You know how they say 'the customer is always right'? Well, these piercers might not agree with that claim..."

-- BMEZINE.COM

2006-01-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

Tap Tap Tap

Is this thing on?

2006-01-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revalations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."

- Stephen King

2006-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

The Gay Onion

FakeGayNews.com - Because real gay and lesbian news is too damn depressing.

2006-01-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

Spooky

I don't think I've talked about it much here, but I'm a member of a paranormal research group called WVPRS. We model ourselves after T.A.P.S., a well-respected group that takes a very scientific and logical approach to their research.

One of the goals we have as a group is to produce episodes based on our hunts and subsequent findings. We haven't completed an episode yet, mainly because we're all busy people, but AJ has put a good amount of work into the opening montage. I thought I'd post it here because I think it's pretty fun.

This intro was made before we lost two members, Dan and Seret, and gained a few more, Amber, Blaine, and Shayla. I'd post the newer one, but it hasn't been uploaded yet.

2006-01-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hahahahahaha... Shut Up!

I just stumbled across a repository of Drunk Girl clips, and I couldn't be more thrilled. No one ever seems to remember her, but Drunk Girl is one of my all-time favorite SNL characters, and now you'll know what I'm referencing the next time I go, "You know what you are? Youknowwhatyouare? Yaknowhazyeer? Yknwzr? You're not a man... you're an animal."

2006-01-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

Chemistry

So, Match.com started up this new matching service called Chemistry, where you don't search for people, you get put together based on personality. I signed up because I was curious about it and who my matches would be. The whole thing is pretty fascinating; an in-depth personality test, matching, and different steps of contact.

Chemistry went live recently, so I had my first look at my matches. They were okay, but then I started poking around the site and came across my personality test results, which I'm pretty impressed with. I find it interesting that I'm a pretty even split amongst all four of the types.. no wonder I feel so contradictory!

You are an EXPLORER/director

You are a skywalker. You love adventure, both intellectual and physical. And you greet new challenges with passion and bravery.

When you get interested in a project, you can become extremely focused on it, sometimes to the exclusion of all around you. You complete it carefully and thoroughly, often with great originality.

And because you have a lot of energy and tend to be enthusiastic about your ideas, inventions, and projects, you can be very persuasive.

You tend to like to collect things, experiences or ideas. And you are eager to make an impact on those around you, as well as the wider world.

Although you enjoy people and can be charming and humorous, you are not very interested in routine social engagements or boring people. You are comfortable being by yourself, pursuing your own interests.

People probably call you a non-conformist, an original. You like to have good conversations on important topics. People tend to admire you for your innovativeness. You make an exciting, though at times distant, companion.

How your personality breaks out

Explorer - 26% of your personality
Known for high energy, high creativity and spontaneity. Seeks novelty, risk and pleasure. Intellectually curious and not easily swayed by opinion.

Builder - 23% of your personality
Usually very popular. Deep attachment to home and family. Calm demeanor and low anxiety. Often consistent, loyal and protective.

Negotiator - 24% of your personality
Excels at seeing the big picture, long-term planning, and consensus building. An intuitive thinker who is flexible, verbal and socially skilled. Imaginative, empathetic and nurturing.

Director - 25% of your personality
Daring, original, direct and inventive. A non-conformist. Skilled at abstract thinking and short-term planning. Often assertive and quite competitive. Tough-minded and efficient.

2006-01-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

Yo, I'm Back

So yeah, my trip to California was awesome and being back in S.F. again made me realize just how desperately I need to get out of WV. I'd previously planned to attend grad school here, but screw that.. I'm going back to the west coast!

How I miss San Francisco.. a city of freaks and weirdos, where I feel totally comfortable and happy simply being me. Where different is good and encouraged. Where I can sit in a cafe and exclaim loudly, "I'm gay!" and get absolutely no reaction from the other patrons (try it, it's fun). A city of crazy homeless people, people who will ignore you when you speak to them, and an abundance of lesbians so cute I almost cried. Good times.

Way, way too much stuff happened to post here. This will be long as it is now, but here are some highlights:

* Arriving at our chi-chi boutique hotel just off Union Square at 2:30 am after a delayed flight and a Super Shuttle crammed to the brim with random types of people.

* My hotel room had such a lovely funky S.F. feel to it and a really comfy bed!

* I had a hair appointment at 10 the following morning. If you're ever in the city and want a great stylist, ask for Jane at the Fractory (in the Richmond District). I received the best, most pampering wash, cut, and style I can remember.. not only is it totally me, but it's way easy to maintain. Yay!

* That evening, I was forced by my mother to go shopping with my aunt to buy "something nice" for our evenings out. Talk about depressing. Not only does Nordstrom not stock clothing for girls who are built like me, but everywhere else in that damn shopping center was the same story; either things were too small or they fit weirdly and/or badly. I settled on what is now the girliest outfit I own: black cotton pants, a cream camisole, a purple flower-print scoop-neck transparent blouse-like thingy, a maroon cardigan, and my personal dykey touch of black leather slip-on shoes.

* Ahhhhhhh.... the food!! So many delicious, amazing meals. Everything we ordered at Betelnut, an Asian fusion restaurant, was absolutely divine. I got to have my fantasy burrito at Gordo's on 9th Ave. and OMG the memory of that super chicken goodness in a spinach tortilla will hold me over until my next one. I went to Burma Superstar, a Burmese place, with Adriel and the food was fab. Try the poodi. I mean, not only does the dish have the best name EVAR, it's really yummy. Poodi!!!

* Seeing Adriel! It had been about 8 years since we last saw each other and one day wasn't enough. We tripped around the city, starting with the pirate store on Valencia, which is so fun with all sorts of drawers and hidden treasures to find. After that, we took the bus over to Burma Superstar for lunch. It was so good to see her and that we're finally able to be friends again. Next time I hope we have more than an afternoon to hang out.

* Cirque du Soleil - "Corteo".. I haven't been to see Cirque du Soleil in ages and this show had an Italian theme, much to the delight of everyone (especially Angelo and Valentina). One of the characters had the name Valentina and my sister got a big kick out of that. Corteo means 'procession' in Italian, and the theme was the funeral of a clown. I'd kind of forgotten how spectacular the shows are. Very gorgeous, amazing, and well done!

* Saw Bill (my ex-stepper, a.k.a. the guy who raised me) and hung out with him. I haven't seen him in five years, but he looks good despite the fact that he'll be 70 next month. Actually, he looks just the same to me, but he says he's having some medical problems related to his diabetes. Was great to see him, though.

* Saw Amy, too! Amy was my best friend from about 5th grade until high school started and we grew apart. She showed up at our hotel on the day Bill was visiting and we all went to lunch at Max's. I'd been kind of blocked and feeling weird about seeing Amy again for some reason, maybe because it had been so long, but she seems to be very much the same and it was good to see her. Too bad I didn't have more time to chat and catch up with her.

* We left S.F. on New Year's Eve... big bummer because there was lots going on, most notably a lesbian night at one club Adriel had mentioned to me. Leaving the city was depressing and I didn't want to go.

* We spent New Year's at my aunt and uncle's place in Oroville, which is a rednecky, small-town kinda area in No. Cal. Their house and land are huge, so I guess it's a trade-off. New Year's was very low key and rather boring. Dinner consisted of appetizers and gourmet things I don't like.. but I did enjoy the wine and prosecco, of course. Danny (my uncle) and my mom had a small spat and we almost all went to bed instead of staying up until midnight. Vale didn't make it, but we did light a ton of sparklers and stuff. Whee!

* Had a bizarre conversation with my mom about how hearing about her sex life (as told to others over dinner) and watching her and Angelo 'make out' totally grossed me out. It shouldn't surprise me that she totally couldn't get where I was coming from, or why it would seem gross and inappropriate from my end. She made a crack at me in a later conversation regarding my discomfort with this, and I wanted to punch her... she can be such a bitch sometimes.

* While in Oroville, we went to Chico for shopping and I saw The Chronicles of Narnia, which is a kickass film.

* Peet's Coffee... w00t!

* Several major storms hit the west coast while we were there and there was lots of flooding. As we drove north to Oroville, the other side of the freeway was under at least two feet of water (pouring over and through the divider) and was pretty much closed down. We lucked out that we weren't heading south.

* Long, long drive in wet weather to my mom's friend, Beth's in Williams, OR. The car could not have been any more crammed with people and stuff. Seriously. We then hit two near-blizzard snow storms in the higher elevations and that was pretty crazy, considering we had neither snow tires or chains.

* Beth's house and property are gorgeous! There's a creek, a pond, and lots of trees and plants. Plus her neighbor has a horse, so Vale and I went out to feed and pet him. The horse liked carrots and grass but decidedly did not like celery.

* Angelo had a cold, which my mom caught, and then after being trapped in a vehicle with all the coughing and sneezing for like 8 hours, I knew I was sunk. Sho' nuff, next day, I was sick, too. Talk about teh suckage.. it only got worse as time went on, peaking for me on the drive from Beth's to the coast of OR. Miz. Er. Able.

* Beth lives with Jim, a guy in his 50's or 60's who is in the last stages of terminal cancer. The whole living sitch is purely platonic now, but he is her baby daddy, so she invited him to stay with her until the end. It's really very sad because Jim is a cool and funny guy. So I'm out somewhere with my mom and the conversation takes a slight turn into The Twilight Zone..

Mom (v. casually): Jim's got pot, if you want some pot.
Me: What??
Mom: He has a whole bunch he grew but he doesn't smoke it, so he's giving it away. He asked me if I wanted some and then said to ask if you did.
Me: Yeah, I want some pot!!
Mom: K.

Not a conversation one expects to have with their mother, but if you envision my mom as a coin, if "bitchy" is heads, tails is definitely "damn, she's cool". In any case, Jim invited me up to his room and handed me a canister of dank, dank bud. See, medical marijuana is legal in Oregon and he has a card, making it perfectly legal for him to grow X number of plants. He doesn't smoke, but said he grew it for something to do. I love this as a reason to grow marijuana; Damn, I'm bored.. hell, I'll just grow some pot plants. Ha! Turns out his crop was extremely successful and he had over two pounds of it. He told me to take as much as I wanted and OMG I suddenly turned into a greedy kid in a candy store. I would have taken as much as he was willing to part with, but I had travel considerations, so I took more than enough to make the rest of my trip even more enjoyable. The stuff was so potent that even triple-bagged you could still smell it, and quite tasty, too. So Jim's present to me has been of great enjoyment. <3 Jim!!

This is about half my highlights, but I'm going to stop here for now because this is already so long. Anyhoo, I'm back and stuff.

2005-12-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

Later

Well.. today I'm off to California, or The Land of Fruits and Nuts, as my dad calls it. I'll be gone for about 11 days and probably won't be blogging any while I'm there... so I hope you all have a rockin' New Years. See ya next year!

2005-12-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

On a Lighter Note..

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Coolest Christmas lights ever

2005-12-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

Bah Humbug and Crap

I don't know when I'll learn just how very much I hate the holidays. I don't say I hate them to be flippant or cool or whatever. I really do dislike them. No matter what, holidays seem to end up being depressing and disappointing in one way or another. Yet, each year, the big cynical Scrooge part of me gets shushed by my smaller idealistic part that insists this year will be different, and each year I find myself buying into it.

I went down to Pburg because Mikey was in town and it had been ages since I last saw him. I stayed with Angie and her girlfriend, which, going into it, I thought was a little weird. However, I was really touched to be thought of and included in my friends' celebrations because I have no family here. I didn't want it to be weird and on the drive down there, I was even a little excited. I imagined a warm holiday in which I would act like a normal person and be grateful for the open arms of someone else's family.

Truthfully, it didn't happen like that. In fact, I'm both ashamed and embarrassed of what did happen. You see, I ended up having an emotional breakdown/freak out. The reasons are complicated and I'm not even entirely sure why, other than being at Christmas dinner made me feel unbearably lonely and alone. That combined with the fact that Angie has been increasingly distant since my move, and seeing for myself this new life she has with her girlfriend.. well, it was really hard. I've been having kind of a mid-midlife crisis type thing anyway, and all of this just pushed me over the edge.

The first night was fun and being in a group setting of friends was fine. The next night, I went out with Mikey and Angie's brother, Brian, and we were having a ton of fun until all the gay boys were off making out with each other and I was left sitting by myself in the bar. It was pretty dead and the one cute girl there had totally blown me off, so I was sitting there alone with my increasingly depressing drunken thoughts. I ended up crying about how lonely I feel and how I wonder what is wrong with me, that I have absolutely no luck in the romance department. After all that, no one ended up hooking up with anyone and we all went home separately. Before going to sleep, I scrounged up a pen and paper and, through tears, I wrote the following (warning: drunk and maudlin ahead):

I'm tired. Tired of my life, tired of watching other people be happy, tired of watching everyone else obtain what it is I want for myself. Sick, sick to death of envy and jealousy, sick of comparing myself to others.

I'm just so tired. Tired of being me, tired of being unhappy, tired of fucking everything.

I doubt and hate myself so much. I treat my friends more gently and with more tolerance and understanding than I treat myself. My friends receive gentleness, while I receive punishment, over and over, for crimes I can't let go of. Stupid crimes that earn ridiculously stiff consequences and berating.

I am so tired. Tired. Tired of pain and struggle, tired of trying to carve my way through this life. Tired of being unique, different. Tired of being an acquired taste. I'm tired of feeling old and bitter before my time. I'm tired of my fear, my insecurities... all the things that prevent me from being who and what I want to be.

Most of all, I'm tired of being invisible. In some ways, I enjoy and cherish being different, but in other ways I wish there was more of a mainstream appreciation for me. My sense of humor, my looks, whatever. I'm tired of being on the margins, feeling entirely unique and different from everyone else. Tired of not fitting in.

Why can't I be happy with what makes me unique and "special"? Why must I always want what is impossible to obtain?

My greatest fear is that I will be alone forever. That I'm nearly 30 and haven't had a single long-term relationship that I would call successful. That all I've had is the one really fucked up one, and that's it. That no one seems to get me, and that no one ever seems to be interested in me. It's hard for me to separate this disinterest from my appearance, something I fear I will never be satisfied with.

I don't know how to take this apparent disinterest in me. I want to be wanted. I want to have fucking dates and relationships, for god's sake. Even a simple hook up now and then would be more satisfactory. I just can't help feeling that I don't fit into this world at all. I can't help but fear that I will be alone forever, watching everyone else but me obtain the simple happiness I want for myself. I'm so fucking tired of being alone! I'm tired of being different. I just want to be beautiful and wanted, and loved. Why does this come so easily to some and not at all to me? I'm so sick, fucking sick of feeling invisible and unattractive, and knowing that I don't fit most people's ideas of anything.

Being different is my fucking curse. Special, unique, my ass! I'm tired of feeling ugly and unwanted, and freakish because I don't fit into any sort of box. I'm tired of being me. If I died at this moment, I would think more on the relief of not having to deal with this bullshit anymore and honestly I wouldn't care what I hadn't accomplished yet. I just don't care. I'm miserable and I fear I will always be miserable.

Merry fucking Christmas bullshit!!!

Having vented some, I went to bed and had one of the most vivid, disturbing, and intense nightmares I've ever had. The next day was okay, although I was still feeling the emotional remnants of the previous night as well as my nightmare. The more time I spent at Angie's house, the more weirded out I felt by the whole thing. I felt like such an outsider in her life and I started thinking about how I just wanted to go home.

Christmas Eve, we went to Angie's dad's house for a family dinner. It's not as if they were all strangers, and I tried to be a good guest out of appreciation for inclusion of their holiday. But as time went by, I just kept being pulled down into depressing emotional shit. Angie spent no time with me whatsoever and stuck by her girlfriend pretty much the entire time. Once a mood like that starts to take over, there's very little I can do except remove myself from the situation to deal with it alone. I went outside a few times to breathe and I was trying so hard not to cry. I probably would have been able to hold it all together until we left, but Angie's step-mom, who is just about the kindest, warmest, most generous person I know, came over to me. She stepped close to me and looked me in the eyes and said, "Oh, Alena.. don't worry.. you're a wonderful person and I know you'll find someone just as amazing. There is someone out there for you."

It was like she could read my mind and I just lost it right there. I started crying and tried to apologize and explain that it wasn't her fault, but I felt like I was making a scene, so I got up and went into another room to compose myself. Instead, once away from other people, I cried harder. I had been invited to brunch at Angie's mom's the next day, but all I could think was that I wanted to go home, that I couldn't deal with any of it anymore.

We went back to Angie's house and started to watch a movie. I kept thinking about everything and the emotional vortex I was in, and I felt strongly that I should just go. It was too hard, all of it, and I felt embarrassed, ashamed for how I was acting. I felt like a terrible guest on all counts and the longer I was around Angie and her girlfriend, the more uncomfortable and weird I felt. So I pulled Angie aside and told her I was so sorry for acting like I was and that I wanted to go home. I cried yet again, as I tried to explain how I felt and what was wrong, that I was so sorry for being such an emotional freak. We had a short talk and she convinced me to stay.

I had hoped that these feelings would pass or be less intense the next day. My intention had been to the most grateful guest, to be helpful and cheery. But Christmas Day was just as bad. It was so clear to me what an outsider I was, and it didn't even feel like I fit into Angie's life anymore. I decided I would go to brunch and then leave as soon as possible.

My departure felt hasty and weird. I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I felt like I wouldn't feel normal again until I was home. As I said goodbye to Angie at her mom's, I kept apologizing for being such an emotional freak, trying to explain my actions and feelings. She said she loves me because I am a freak, which I now think is kind of funny. But at times like that, where I'm overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions I can't control or subdue, it feels like I can't connect to anyone else and I can't get what's going on inside across. When I got home, I called to say I'd gotten here, but I could hear myself speaking and I knew I sounded really weird, so I thanked them and apologized again for crying.

Now that I'm home, I do feel much more centered and relieved, but I can't shake the feeling of being a traveling emotional freak show, a grenade of weird shit that apparently can explode at any time. I feel like I can never go back there, that I can never stay with Angie again. That probably none of them will invite me again anyway, considering how I acted. That maybe Angie and I can't be friends anymore because I can't deal with the changes or the shift of things. I feel all kinds of guilt because I feel a complex mixture of jealousy and I know it's wrong.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. When I'm overtaken like this, I know my behavior must seem bizarre and selfish. Emotions like this, I can't control, and that's not normal, is it?

2005-12-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

Whereupon Alena Discovers She Does Not Live Alone...

So, yesterday, I was poking around in my bedroom closet, trying to find some rope that I suspected was in a container at the very bottom of everything. The rope was for the purely innocent application of hanging something outside to air out, lest you think my sex life is more interesting than it actually is at the moment. Anyway, I'm very leery of poking around in closets due to my abnormal fear of spiders living inside my shoes and God knows where else, those crafty buggers. I cautiously pulled out some items to have better access to the container, when I noticed something quite odd.

At the back of the closet on the floor, there were the remnants of a stuffed unicorn. Now, the unicorn was mine.. It was a wall-hanging-type-thinger that had been given to me when I was a baby. I have been called a packrat, but I don't just save everything: I am compulsively sentimental. If I have had an item for years, even if it's something I wouldn't use or decorate with now, it gets saved. So this unicorn is something I've had all my life, and apparently it was put in my bedroom closet during my move.

The unicorn had been mauled, chewed apart, and as it lay dying alone in a dark closet, it had hemorrhaged stuffing everywhere. I was a little shocked and couldn't believe what I was seeing. My first thought was that Melissa's dog, Greta, had somehow gotten into my closet during her stay with me. I pulled out the remains and looked them over, trying to understand. As I squatted in front of my closet, I began to notice other things. There was a section of shoelace that had been obviously chewed off a pair of my Bean Boots. I was like, WTF?

It occurred to me then that Greta was not the culprit. Even if she had somehow gotten in my closet, she didn't have enough time to demolish the unicorn AND my shoelaces. I mean, I kept my bedroom door shut nearly the whole time she visited. As I looked, I noticed more shoelace pieces, this time from another pair of boots. A light bulb went off in my head, and I'm sure my eyes went appropriately wide. I began piecing things together.. the unicorn, the shoelaces, a phone cord that had 'split' (i.e. was chewed in half) while I was away this summer, scratching noises in the ceiling of my kitchen..

Oh yeah. Mice. Fucking great!!

When I realized this, I freaked out. I fetched a flashlight and began inspecting my closet. While I have yet to find mouse poo in my apartment, hear them partying in my closet, or God forbid, SEE one.. it's more than obvious that they're here. I think I found a mouse hole in the closet and I suspect they probably are living in that wall, cozily nesting in the insulation and unicorn innards. Damn it!

I immediately called my landlord, hoping he would deal with it. Instead, I was told that unless the entire building was infested, it was up to me to buy poison or traps. Or live with them. Feh!!

So my landlord is all, "Yeah, you just go to Lowe's and buy some mouse and rat poison, it smells just like peanut butter, and you leave it out for them. What it does is cause blood thinning, so if they get hurt, they bleed to death because their blood won't clot. Yeah, they would die in the walls and there might be a smell. It also makes them very thirsty, so be sure to close your toilet seat and leave the sink empty and dry. The idea is that they'll get so thirsty they'll go elsewhere."

And in my head, I'm like, "OMFGOMFGOMFG, stop, stop, stop.. OMG.. please don't tell me this.. stooooooop!!"

This launched me into Freak-Out #2. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not believe in killing things and I feel quite strongly about this because I think it's wrong. To me, all living things have as much right to live as I do. There is a very short list of things (mosquitos, flies, roaches, ants) that I will kill if it comes down to it, but even then I don't feel great about it. In this case, there is no good solution. A snap-trap would provide a more merciful end, but then I have to be face-to-face with what I've done and it would honestly break my heart... On the other hand, poisoning, while allowing me to be somewhat of a coward, causes a slow death and I think that's even more wrong than the death alone.

After the conversation with my landlord, I called Melissa because I was flipping out. As further proof of what a big bleeding-heart baby I am, I started crying when I was explaining to her why it tore me up that I was even considering poison. It still makes me emotional when I think about it. Then I talked to my mom, who had a casual attitude about it and told me they have to poison rats and mice all the time in their orto.

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do. Earlier I took my flashlight and further examined the closet and my shoes. Almost all of the ones that were on the floor had been chewed on, one pair in particular was quite obviously a favored mouse snack. I moved them all off the floor and found what looks to be a hole in a corner behind/underneath the linoleum. The closet door doesn't latch shut, so for psychological relief, I placed something heavy in front of the door. There aren't any signs of them in the kitchen, but I don't know who I'm trying to fool.. as evidenced by the chewed phone cord, they have been in the living room.

Help!

2005-12-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

WTF, George?

Dear Alena,

As our nation deals with the fallout of natural disasters, war and spiraling deficits, our leaders in Congress have made their top two priorities clear: huge new tax cuts targeted to the wealthy and devastating cuts to programs that help hard-working families get by.

Voting mostly along party lines, the U.S. House of Representatives passed $56 billion in tax breaks last week that would go overwhelmingly to the wealthiest sliver of Americans. The Tax Policy Center estimates 84.2 percent of the cuts passed by the House would go to the top 20 percent of households by income.

But that's not all. The tax cuts come after the House passed $50 billion in cuts to services that struggling working families depend on, like Medicaid, student loans, child support enforcement and food stamps.

These aren't the priorities of America's working families--and it's time our leaders of Congress knew that. Send a message to your representative and senators telling them you oppose cuts for working families and new tax breaks for the wealthy.

The voices of working families will make a difference in this important fight. Make sure your voice is heard today! Thank you for all that you do.

In solidarity,

Working Families e-Activist Network

P.S. Make sure Congress knows what your priorities are. Send your message today.

Seriously, George, WTF? The country is reeling from the effect of natural disasters, we're trillions of dollars in debt, the unemployment rate is increasing, there are more families and children without health care every day, and on top of it we're pouring an unbelievable amount of money into the war. Sounds like a fantastic time for even more tax cuts for the rich and for cutting much-needed social service programs. Fucking outrageous. Simply outrageous.

2005-12-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

The Truth is Free

I stumbled across the site Freedocumentaries.org and wanted to spread the word. I really like documentaries and it looks as if this site has lots of good ones. Some require downloading a Bittorrent client (try Azureus) to view the whole film, but as far as I can see, it looks to be really worth it.

Some titles I'm looking forward to viewing are BBC's The Bush Family Fortunes: The Best Democracy Money Can Buy, Afghan Massacre: Convoy of Death, Votergate, and CBC's Dick Cheney Bio.

2005-12-11T08:37:00.000-08:00

Listen

I went through the music blog last night and hopefully all songs should be linked now. In addition, I added another song by Rilo Kiley called A Man/Me/Then Jim. Enjoy!

P.S. If any of the links don't work and it's been less than 60 days, please let me know. Thanks!

2005-12-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

NEVER THE SAME
A documentary by Jonathan Levin

Following the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, millions of people around the world showed unprecedented compassion, sympathy, and generosity for the victims and families of those who lost their lives on that terrible day.

'NEVER THE SAME' brings to light the story of another severely affected group: the tens of thousands of men and women who literally threw themselves into the dust and smoke to contribute to the rescue, recovery, and clean-up efforts in the wake of 9/11. They gave of themselves tirelessly, doing so in a toxic work environment never experienced before. As a result, an alarming proportion of these courageous and dedicated people wound up suffering terribly from both physical and emotional illnesses, many of which will persist for years; other health consequences like cancers are highly likely to develop over time. Yet despite the sacrifices made by these selfless individuals, nothing has been provided by the US government for their physical and mental health care, while the Workers' Compensation system treats them as malingerers and frauds.

Thousands of men and women selflessly sacrificed their health in service to others following the most well-known disaster in our nation's history - but the system, in short, has failed them. Not only do they deserve recognition for their remarkable efforts, they deserve the health care resources necessary to help them heal.

2005-12-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

Music

Just a note to say that I plan to make this really boring blog into something a little more interesting.

I have no idea how to make different categories for my blog, but if I did, I would have a Music section. My way around this is to have separate blogs, but lyrics by themselves are rather dry and often the beauty of a song can't be captured by the words alone. So I figure that instead of posting here, I'll just put songs along with their lyrics on the other blog. That way it will all be together in one place and way more fun to look over.

If I get bored, I might go back and add songs to the older posts. The files will last 60 days after a download, so if something is ever unavailable, that's why.

2005-11-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

Oooo, Look at that Shiny Thing Over There...

So I have decided/realized that I have music ADD. There was a point in my life when not only could I enjoy sitting through a whole album, I would listen to that album over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-drive-everyone-around-me-completely-nuts. But that's how I enjoy most things... obsessively. At least until I get sick of it and move on to something else.

I have always loved soundtracks because the variation in music keeps me from getting bored. However, MP3s have completely changed how I listen to music. Now that I have approximately 50 gigs of music, I still do listen obsessively to stuff I love, but it's on a smaller scale now. Rather than an entire album, I now wear the hell out of individual tracks. I usually load up my library and set it on random, unless I'm really in the mood for something in particular. I've come to enjoy such variety in my own music that sometimes even listening to the radio is irritating. I find it very difficult and somewhat grating to listen to an entire album if it's not a compilation or soundtrack, even if I really like the artist. Not counting mixes, the last album I was truly obsessive about was a couple of years ago; Fallen by Evanescence, which I had on constant play in my car for at least a month.

What's funny is that while I accept that 50 gigs is a ton of music, I find that I can never have enough. Even though iTunes says I have enough music to play for 31.3 days straight without hearing the same track twice, without periodic infusions of new music, I would get bored. I know almost every single song and album I have in such a way that hearing it repeatedly makes me itchy to listen to something else. When I travel, I have to select my music very carefully. I have only 3.74 gigs of space for tracks on my iPod and while that's fine for a short journey, after a month I'm thinking about how I can't wait to get home so I can hear other stuff. I've come to love as much variety as possible at home. In the car, I just want to rock out to stuff with good beats.

I don't know how my brain keeps track of all of this music, like remembering all the songs I've heard on my iPod, but I do think I have a musical aptitude that manifests itself in unusual ways. I've played a few instruments and I can tell you that I'm not gifted in the traditional sense (i.e. being in a symphony is probably not in my future). However, I'm pretty good with wind instruments -- I was able to play "Taps" open-key on a trumpet the first time I picked one up -- and I can read music, but if you played a random note, I probably wouldn't be able to identify it. I can't play things by ear and I also am hopeless at composing music, although I honestly wish I had that ability.

What I can do is rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I'm no Mozart or Beethoven, no musical genius in the classic sense. I do have a weird memory for music. I can hear part of a song and most of the time, sometimes without hearing the singer's voice, I know immediately who sings it. I also am really good at picking out subtle musical threads within a song and identifying all of the instruments used. This is really fun in songs where unusual instruments are used, cause I get such a geeky thrill from being able to identify things.

I have DJed a few parties and I found I was totally in my element. I had a blast doing it and I can't even express how much I have always secretly hoped an opportunity would come up to get a job or training as a DJ. Play with music and get paid for it? No-brainer! Now that I think about it, I guess that's part of why I make so many mixes.. because my inner DJ is just whimpering to be let out. ;)

Anyhoo, I added a link to my last.fm profile (previously known as AudioScrobbler). Last.fm is a pretty cool (and free) music social network that connects you to other people with similar musical tastes. It runs in conjunction with an AudioScrobbler plugin you use with your MP3 player, which, as you listen to music, sends the artist and song information to the last.fm server. Your user page keeps track of various statistics and uses that to connect you to 'neighbors' who are those with music tastes close to yours. You can also find a group to join if you feel like being social and talking about music and stuff. You can keep a music journal, listen to streaming radio, and a ton of more features. I really like it and I find it strangely addicting. Maybe it's the marriage of my two loves: Music and Lists.

Lastly, I just want to say that I am unhealthilty in love with the Rilo Kiley song I posted previously. Lurve it.

2005-11-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

Listen

I highly recommend the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack.. I have been really enjoying it. Here's my favorite song off the album so far:

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

2005-11-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

Things

For Martha...

Ten years ago

My mom and I had recently moved to Santa Cruz, CA (my birthplace and somewhere I had always desperately wanted to live). She and my step-dad were splitting up for good and she'd been offered a great job in SC, working for and with her best friend. We lived in a hotel and then her friend's studio cottage for a while, until our house was ready. I was in my first semester of college, my most inspired and brilliant semester to date -- I carried 18 units, including an intense 5-unit ecology class, plus I was in the college play and re-learning the flute. Even with all of that going on, I still managed to get a 3.6 GPA; my one and only semester on the Dean's List (thanks to the C I got in ceramics the next semester). Life was pretty good and now that I think about it, I kind of miss it. Also I want to know how the hell I did it.. can that Alena come back now, please?

Five years ago

See my previous post. Due to our landlord being a supreme jackass (and me being really broke), I was forced to move back to San Francisco. At this point five years ago, I had been living with Bill, my ex-step-father (i.e. the man who raised me) for a few months. I'd sort of dropped out of school due to lack of motivation and not knowing what I wanted to study. I half-assedly took a couple of classes at City College of SF and got a job as a nanny for two boys, 5 and 7. I also had been getting involved, long-distance, with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and we were discussing how to move forward. I think at this point, plans were made for me to quit my job and move to NC, so I was looking into how to make that happen. Actually, I just remembered.. She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had come to visit for a week over Thanksgiving, we had a fight one night after I in particular drank way too much wine and got worked up over something, and she ended up changing her flight plans without my knowledge, while I was at school. The day before Thanksgiving, she told me she was flying home the next morning. We had to get up at 5am so I could drive her to the Oakland airport ON THANKSGIVING. It was fucked up. Red flag, I should have known, right?

One year ago

I was preparing for the next stage in my life: my move to Morgantown and starting university for the first time ever. I was extremely happy and excited to be getting out of Parkersburg, but I was also a little overwhelmed and freaked out. In addition, I was very sad to be leaving my only real friend in the state. Mikey had his plans to move to NYC, which left Angie here... only she's two hours away and I rarely get to see her anymore. However, I knew that I was finally on the right path again and quite glad to at last have some idea of what I'd like to do as a career.

Five yummy things

1. Coffee with just the right amount of strength, cream, and sugar. Add a piece or two of shortbread and I'm in heaven.
2. Cheesecake, particularly New York style.
3. Pizza from Milano's Pizzeria on 9th Ave. in SF. Best. Pizza. EVAR.
4. The super burrito with a spinach tortilla and fresh pico at Gordo's in SF. Like the Milano's pizza, I've yet to find a burrito anywhere that comes even close.
5. My mom's from-scratch pesto lasagna. Homemade pasta and pesto sauce with fresh mozzarella.. it's beyond good.

Five songs I know by heart
I know quite a few songs by heart, but the majority of them are folk songs that you've probably never heard of. Hey, I worked at a Renaissance faire for four years.. These are the first five I thought of.

1. Puff the Magic Dragon
2. Ren and Stimpy - "It's Log" (the commercial)
3. Red is the Rose (If you're a glutton for punishment, you can hear me sing the first verse here: )
4. Little Brown Dog (a.k.a. Sing Taddle-o-Day)
5. The Blacksmith

Five things I would do with a LOT of money

1. Move back to the west coast, including buying a comfortable house (3 BR, garage, washer/dryer, dishwasher, etc.).
2. Get all the electronics, gadgets, and technology that I am so desirous of. New, blazin' PC, entertainment center, a TV big enough to actually watch, a stereo that's not on its last leg, speakers in every room, etc. Drooooooool.
3. Invest/keep enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life without having to work. Without working, I would go to school and take classes on just about everything. For my own personal enjoyment. I like to dabble, so I'd take all sorts of weird stuff, I'm sure.
4. Most importantly, I think it's crucial for people who have a LOT of money to give back. To not do so is proof of the basest greed and selfishness. I honestly wish I had a ton of money just so I could find ways to make other people's lives better.. something as simple as hot meals and new clothes would make a world of difference to some. Either I would donate to existing charities or try to apply my money in ways I feel are lacking. There are a lot of worthy institutions that could greatly benefit from donations.. schools, to keep non-core programs that are being cut, such as art, music, and sports. Grants and scholarships to help people go to college. I would love to see schools opened in third-world countries and their orphaned children taken care of.. I really could go on.
5. I would travel... like.. everywhere.

Five things I would never wear
Not counting costumes, cause anything goes on Halloween..

1. Makeup. Seriously, I fuckin' hate it.
2. Ugg boots. They put the Ugg in FUGLY.
3. Platform anything.
4. Dresses.
5. Beige bras. They just scream 'grandma' to me.

Five favourite TV shows
In no particular order..

1. Lost
2. Desperate Housewives
3. Arrested Development
4. The L Word
5. Commander in Chief

Five things I enjoy doing

1. Listening to music
2. Being alone in nature
3. Sleeping
4. Photography
5. Traveling

Five people I want to inflict this on

Well, no one really, cause I think most of the people I read have no idea who I am.. but if anyone I know feels like filling this out, please email me or comment here to let me know you've done it. Rachael? Tory? Ernie? Mikey? Michelle?

2005-11-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

California, Here I Come

Phantom Planet - California

Five years ago come January, I boarded the crazy train, crammed a Ryder truck full of my stuff, and drove -- by myself-- all the way across the country to move in with Coo-Coo Crazy (a.k.a. Psycho Ex) in North Carolina. Five years ago, I left my native and beloved California to try out life on the East Coast. It may very well be the biggest mistake I have ever made, but what's done is done and I try to not dwell on it.

Nevertheless, I had no concept while leaving my home state that it would be damn near impossible, financially, to move back. I have lived in several places since my original departure, and I can't tell you what it's like for a California girl on the wrong coast. Don't get me wrong, there is an awful lot that I like about the East Coast.. the history, the fall foliage, the nearness of the states (sort of like Europe), but it's not the West Coast. I'm biased and I fully admit it.

Living in West Virginia has pushed my homesickness to a new level. It really is just so different than where and how I was raised. After too long, it starts to really wear on me, but I'm lucky in that I generally get to leave the state at least once a year. You know, to get a little break away from things.

The truth is, it feels almost as if I left my home country to move to another. In many ways, I feel like a foreigner here. Morgantown is lightyears better than Parkersburg in terms of numbers of general liberalness and people who share my views, values, and opinions, but still I feel an empty ache in my heart when I think of home.

To say I miss it is an understatement. I have wanted so desperately to go home, even just to visit. I think I could be happy with just a taste. I almost got to last January, but the beginning of school conflicted with my mom's visit to California. This year, things are better planned. In fact, yesterday I bought my ticket to San Francisco! I'm beyond giddy, really. I'll be in northern California and southern Oregon from Dec. 27 to Jan. 8!

My mom asked me if there's anything special I wanted to do while we're there, but aside from trying to look up my friends, I really don't care. I know I'll be babysitting my sister quite a bit, but the mere fact that I'll be in MY CITY for almost a week.. I don't care what we do. My sister likes the same places I did (and still do).. The Exploratorium, IMAX movies, Pier 39, etc. We have tickets to see Cirque du Soleil, something of a family tradition from when we lived in the city. Fancy schmancy hair appointments. We're staying in a shwank hotel on Union Square. Truthfully, though, we could be sleeping in a car and I'd be pretty damn happy. :P

So.. California, here we come... right back where we started from.. California.. I'm coming home..

Joni Mitchell - California

It goes without saying that these two songs will be on my iPod for this trip.

2005-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Doing a Happy Dance

Amidst all the crap (i.e. school) that has been pulling me down lately, I am grateful that good things can and do happen. I discovered yesterday that all of my financial aid and loans have been already disbursed and looking at my account balance, I started to panic.

My friend Melissa called me yesterday to say that Melissa Ferrick, an artist that I've loved for several years, is coming to Motown to play at the lesbian bar. Melissa Ferrick and Ani DiFranco are two artists that I have wanted to see in concert for a very long time, but despite periodic checking of concert dates, neither of them ever seemed to play anywhere near where I lived. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only is Melissa Ferrick playing near where I live, but that's she's actually coming here! Here! Melissa Ferrick apparently really dislikes playing lesbian bars because of troubles she's had with audiences in the past, plus this venue isn't even on her list of tour dates, so what's even better is that the owner of the bar must have done some real sweet-talking to get Melissa Ferrick to play there! I could hug myself, I'm so damn happy.

I was a little preoccupied with my finances when Melissa told me about the concert, so I was wondering if I should go, whether I could afford the ticket, etc. As I said, I've wanted and waited for this concert for many moons, so I figured, if anything, I'd use some of my birthday money. I mean, there was no way I could pass up an opportunity like Melissa Ferrick in Motown!

The best part was when I checked my mail last night, right before leaving to go buy my ticket and head out to a friend's Halloween party. In the mailbox was a Halloween card from my awesome Aunt Barbara and Uncle Danny, $20 slipped inside as "treat money". I would have been touched at their thinking of me without the money, but that was so nice and such good timing, that I was a little overwhelmed. I immediately realized that the $20 would pay most of my concert ticket, without having to tap into birthday money I'd wanted/needed to apply elsewhere. Such a great feeling, to receive a thoughtful gift from wonderful people, and to be able to enjoy this concert with no guilt!

I wrote them a thank you note, of course. I can't get over my excitement. I get to see Melissa Ferrick in concert next Thursday!! r0x0r!!

On top of it, I had a ton of fun at Dan's Halloween party last night. Halloween is the only holiday I genuinely like, and for the first time in many years, I had an actual costume and everything. Not just something I threw together at the last minute, but one that I spent a few hours working on. It's kind of hard to describe, so I'll try to get some pictures up. Anyway, hurrah for good things. :)

2005-10-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

24 Hours of No Power
(must be said in a Dr. Evil voice)

When I went to bed on Monday night, it was snowing peacefully. Who knows what the hell happened in the wee hours of the morning, but it was like a hurricane ripped through town. The great irony here is that I live a block from a power plant (which had electricity the entire time, natch), yet my neighborhood was one of a few that had no power for nearly 24 hours.

6:00 - I wake up, probably because of the quiet, and note that there's no electricity. My alarm was set to go off at 7:30, so I get up to get my watch and go back to sleep, hoping I can wake up in time to have coffee before class.

6:15 - I wake up again, and note that the power still isn't on. I go back to sleep.

6:30 - Still no power, I go back to sleep.

7:30 - No power, I go back to sleep.

8:00 - I wake up and decide that if the power doesn't come back on within the next hour, I'm not going to my first class. I have a wild hope that the university has no electricity, either. As I lie there, I thank my lucky stars that I have gas heating.

8:45 - Still no power.

10:00 - Surely the power should be coming on any time now, I think. I get up and make coffee, again thanking my lucky stars that I have a gas stove and water heater. Since I had to open the fridge, I begin putting perishables outside on my side porch. I read to kill time before my next class.

1:45 - The power is still off, but I'm bored, so I head to school. I'm rather shocked by all the downed tree limbs, some of which have fallen on top of cars. The branches and limbs are everywhere. It's like having slept through a hurricane, but surely I would have woken up to that kind of storm. It's also a little weird to see snow on trees that still have most of their leaves.

2:00 - It's snowing and it turns out we have a field trip, which I am not adequately dressed for. We go to the fishery and I fear I might lose five of my toes to frostbite. I totally would have worn wool socks and boots, had I known!

4:30 - I call the power company and report my outage.

4:40 - I come home and still no electricity. I read to kill time before my next class.

5:10 - I leave for my 2.5 hour math lab, thinking surely the power must be back on by the time I get home. Downtown has electricity.

7:20 - I'm praying to the electricity gods as I head home, but the utter blackness and ghost town quality of my neighborhood is rather disheartening. Damn it.

7:45 - I go to the grocery store for provisions (i.e. food I can cook in the oven), all the while debating whether I should head to Target to buy a phone that doesn't rely on electricity. Despite feeling rather isolated in my dark and lonely hermit shack without any outside contact, I tell myself that surely the power must return any time now and decide to forgo the phone purchase.

8:20 - I return home, light all the candles I own, heat the oven, and pop a pizza in. I realize what a sucky night this is to be all alone with nothing to do. It sort of feels like I'm camping because there's not much to do in the dark and it's making me want to go to bed early.

9:00 - I eat and consider taking a shower, but the thought of showering by candlelight only appeals to me minimally. I break out my book and read, all the while wondering how people managed without electricity in the olden days. I idly ponder purchasing a lantern.

10:00 - I keep waiting for the power to come back on any time now.

11:00 - I finish my book and decide it's as good a time as any to head to bed. The quietness is strange.

4:00 - I wake up and notice that my alarm clock is flashing.. HURRAY!!! O Electricity, how I love thee.

2005-09-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

Erg.

I apologize for the lack of posting here, but truthfully, I've been rather preoccupied and mentally exhausted. I'm doing okay so far in two of my classes, but I am bombing fairly badly in Bio and Algebra. I'm willing to accept that I might be dense, but I keep coming back to the fact that the way the classes are set up is so confusing and anti-learning. The way I see it, some of these university classes are set up for the very opposite of success. It's clear to me now why there's such a high 'academic dishonesty' rate at my school.. I was shocked to hear that at the time, but after last semester and the beginning of this one, I think I totally understand why. Hell, I only got an A in Plant and Soil Sciences last term because I had a binder full of stuff belonging to a girl who had taken the class previously. I would have gotten a C or less without it, for sure.. and while I feel slightly guilty, like I cheated, I honestly feel it justified because the teacher and the course were impossibly ridiculous.

Bio is an advanced class, so the material is detailed and complicated. I feel like I've had a hundred new terms and concepts thrown at me rapid-fire, and only a handful of them have stuck. I kinda like the lab, even though it's a little crazy and requires a fair amount of work on its own. The subject appears to be so much more difficult than I ever expected.. I mean, I've always been good at biology. I try doing the reading and most of the time, I end up having to re-read each paragraph because it's so over my head.. and then still come away with almost nothing. I got 55 on my first exam. Fuck.

Algebra isn't any better. Both Bio and Algebra are huge classes and they move at a speed too fast for my brain. The math is really, really pissing me off because I just don't get the format of the class. The book is also really confusing and counter-intuitive. I would love to do the homework, but every time I sit down to do it, I end up frustrated and ready to throw something. I even got out my previous Algebra book to see if it could explain some of the concepts better. Class essentially is the instructor powering through a bunch of concepts with one example each, and then lab feels like a bunch of stuff we haven't had explained, tossed at us to figure out on our own. I don't get it, and I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I had an exam yesterday and even with the sheet of paper of notes and formulas I was allowed to bring, I got a mere 62%. Obviously, even with it all in front of me, I don't get it and that just frustrates me all the more. I know I'm not the only one, so how the hell can the university claim this class to be a successful format? How does anyone pass?

I went to Algebra 'supplemental instruction' this morning, something I would have done anyway because I'm so confused, because it was required due to my poor test score. I was praying, actually praying, that SI would help clear things up. And while I do understand somewhat better, the hour was similar to the confusing blur of the Monday and Friday classes. I don't know what I'm going to do. Well, actually, I do.. probably therapy and a couple of tutors. Jesus.

I admit that I'm fairly lazy when it comes to school work, but what do you do when you can't do it? Or when you do it, but still don't understand? I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I know I'm intelligent, and that makes me think I should be able to do whatever I set my mind to. Like, if I just work hard enough, I should be able to do well. In the past, this has always worked, but right now I feel like such a failure. I find university depressing because everyone else seems to be coping so much better than I am, because I don't see people getting so overwhelmed, frustrated, and fed up that they want to cry in their classes. Is it possible I'm not cut out for this?

The only thing keeping me going is the thought of the alternative. Waiting tables or working some crap-ass job, making no money, struggling the rest of my life. I can't do that.. I'd end up homocidal or suicidal. I just... I have a hard time imagining at least two more years of this shit. I don't know if it's me, the school, or the university environment in general. Is it that I'm not studying hard enough, or that the school is a beaurocratic hellhole, or would I feel the same anywhere else?

I've been pretty anti-social lately and haven't been hanging out with anyone. I realized the other day that in any given day, aside from a few sentences now and then at school, I don't talk to anybody. I go to school, get stressed out, and come home to hide in my hermit shack. My early classes leave me tired the entirety of the day, which is compounded by the fact that I can't fall asleep (and stay asleep) at the times I should be going to bed. I've been avoiding the few friends that I have; truthfully, I just don't have the desire or energy to socialize right now. I also feel consumed by my angst and don't want to dump it on anyone. I don't think I've ever been more of a loner, and I don't know how I feel about that. I seem to be going the opposite direction of where I want to go in my life.

The only really fun thing I've done lately was an Aquaculture field trip to a reclaimed mine drainage site that doubles as a fishery for rainbow trout. They have a pond with these huge trout, some of them nearly ten pounds and three feet long, that escaped from the net cages. The fish seem to really like the pond, so they were left there, and now they occasionally let people come to fish for them. It's catch-and-release, but man, was it fun. Those fish were big and agressive.. my first one had to have been at least 24 inches, and it fought me tooth-and-nail. Probably took me about five minutes to get it near the pond bank, and even then it kept swimming away. I caught so many fish that I lost count (some I didn't actually land), but it was over ten in the hour we were there. In fact, those fish were so big and strong that my arms and shoulders were sore the next day from fighting with them. I didn't get any pictures because I was too busy fishing and trying to get the trout back into the water as fast as possible. Really fun, though, and what's better is we have a couple more of these trips to look forward to.