Friday, October 21, 2011

Dark Side of the Moon

I have a certain duality to my personality. The dominant side is light; full of sweetness, positivity, compassion, and light-heartedness. The other, which surfaces a time or two a year, is dark, a black hole of unease, bitterness, and negativity. I generally think of the light side as 'being me', as being who I really am, but the truth is that I am both people at different times.

Much like the moon, my two different faces. Sometimes I am full in the sun, reflecting the warmth and light to everyone and everything around me. Other times, I am with my back to the sun, completely lost in the cold, unyielding darkness.

I think of this darkness as 'the reality of me', which is to say that when people meet me, usually I am kind and pleasant and enjoyable to be around. The longer they know me, the more I begin to worry, for I know orbits will shift eventually and they will be faced with the reality of a dark, inhospitable terrain where there once was warmth and light.

I fear the reality of me is too much. I fear the disappointment of those I care about, when there is such a shift towards darkness. If I'm being honest, I fear the rejection of these people, once they realize that I'm not who they thought I was, that I've mislead them.

What can I do, other than try my hardest to keep the darkness at bay?

As painful and unpleasant as it is to experience, these bouts of darkness, I think I sometimes have to dive into that deep pit of blackness to explore both misery and joy. There is nothing for it but to experience it, to process it, and to know that I will come out of it like a phoenix from the ash; reborn back into the light.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

"O full of scorpions is my mind.." -- Macbeth