Thursday, December 09, 2010

On My Mind*

I have been wanting to write, but have found myself unable. There is too much to think about and it renders me speechless. I wish I had words eloquent enough to convey what is inside my head, how much I want her, what she does to me. Even now I struggle. Why do my thoughts and feelings still my tongue? Steal my voice? I know I don't say enough, I know that my silence says the opposite of what I feel. If only I could express that my silence is not the lack of speech, it is instead full of too much to say. Too many variables, so much possibility. So much that I want. Not having the words, not being able to speak.. it's frustrating.

Music has been my solace; I find relief while submerged in a medium of fluid emotional expression. My thoughts beat against the confines of my skull like the wings of a caged bird. Soft but insistent, they seek release that is not forthcoming. It would be easier if I could tie strands of thought together, sort them, discover what they mean. Why am I finding it so difficult? How can I convey the depth my want, cleverly and poetically, as it deserves to be expressed?

It would be so much easier if she could read my mind..

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* I just randomly came across this piece of writing that I did five years ago and thought it a propos, considering I just wrote about alexithymia. I was surprised at the near-poetry of the language and a bit proud of myself!

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