Thursday, February 23, 2006

Hidden


So, truly, I have been trying so hard not to be freaked out by this year's birthday. The date may be eight months away, but it is visibly looming there on the horizon. Despite my efforts, it does freak me out and I have been doing a hell of a lot of thinking over the past few months.

Basically, I have been taking stock of my life and of who I am as a person and what I have observed displeases me greatly. I don't like myself or the little crevice of life that I have carved out for myself. Because of this, the fact that I'm nowhere near what I want for myself at 30, I am going through an existential crisis. It is a crisis to me because I feel there is so much work to be done and it all seems impossible.

I don't like how I act, the things I do, or how I treat people. I am self-centered, self-defeating, lazy, and have great difficulty disciplining myself. In addition, I am not satisfied with my behavior in relationships with friends and family. For one, I am definitely a distant person, though I don't really mean to be. I would describe myself as a fortress, but not just a fortress... a fortress with a hundred different concentric walls. Gated walls. On the very outside wall is the gate where people I meet are let in. Some people never go any farther, others make their way deeper into the fortress, but no one ever gets all the way in. I don't know when my life became about avoiding attachments/pain and maintaining safe distances between me and everyone in the world, but I have become such a hermit. The irony of the fortress is that it's all for the protection of a woman who is vulnerable and weak, rather than for some mighty queen.

I know that I am overly hard on myself, but seriously, I don't like who I have become. I need a personality Extreme Makeover. I never expected myself to say this, but I like early-20's me better than I like this bitter old-lady-before-her-time me.

Anyway, it's got to stop somewhere, so I made a 43 Things list to keep track of my goals. Wish me luck!

No comments: