Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Count Your Blessings

I know this is kind of old, but my Speech professor played this in class today as an example of non-verbal communication. It wasn't the first time I'd seen this, but as I sat there watching in the dark, it occurred to me that perhaps it's best I don't own a webcam...

Because I would get bored and eventually this would be me...

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Ancient History

Yesterday I scrounged up all my music/flute paraphernalia and spent about 45 minutes practicing my flute (and about 15 minutes goofing around on the recorder). I guess my karmic reward for taking a step to start playing again was the discovery of a bunch of cool stuff in my Box O' Music that I didn't even know I had. I had a good time sorting through it all and I was rather delighted at some of the things I discovered. Some were a total surprise, such as two stories I started during my senior year in France. I find it amusing to revisit my former selves and it was good to get a glimpse of my mind at the age of 17.

When I write, I have a tendency to start stories and then never finish them. I'm sure I have several more story beginnings stashed around my apartment. I haven't done much creative writing in a verrrry long time, so it surprised me that perhaps I was better at it than I ever gave myself credit for. One of the stories has the best title on the planet (below) and I really wish I had finished because I like it quite a bit. In any case, I thought I would post what I wrote here for several reasons, including amusement, but hopefully you'll forgive me the self-indulgence (and the lack of a real ending). ;)

I always wondered what was wrong with me. There would be the times, in class, when I'd stop listening to the teacher and focus on the sounds outside. The playground noises always wafted uninvited through the closed windows, the echoes of laughter and screams, and for some unexplainable reason, I'd be thinking of summer. The hot, still summer days when you could just feel the emptiness of the world, when the ringing, joyful sounds of the ice cream man's truck would fill the streets, bringing hordes of little, screaming androgynous bodies out in an ecstatic rush.

Thoughts of a warm, sunny beach, bathed in silence and embraced by beauty, where one is lost by thoughts and maybe a little melancholy; a sense of sadness as the burning golden sun slips down on the horizon, an unconscious knowledge that something beautiful has passed.

I never knew why, I always felt like I was missing something in my life, I had an achingly hollow feeling inside, the thoughts of summer and what I was supposed to be only magnified it. Even the busiest days would leave me craving something, an unnameable empty feeling, a melancholy that I wanted so much to lose.

I couldn't help but think about it and those visions of summer swam in my head. The world would slow until an almost stop, no one would exist except me and I'd be carried away my something I couldn't explain.

Friday, February 24, 2006

To All the Smug Mac Idolaters Out There

I used to be a total Mac girl. Aside from my TRS-80, which I don't really count, the first computer I used was a Mac. I loved Macs and I stayed quite loyal to them for around 15 years, until I got fed up with Apple's pure money-grubbing. My family has owned about 5 Macs over the years, but I defected a few years ago and last year, I talked my mom into ditching the Mac platform altogether. I was originally frustrated with the lack of applets and software available for Macs, but eventually I lost almost all respect for the company that makes them. Apple used to be about the user and the user experience, it was a different company model and what they were doing was pretty cool. However, at some point, they became about how much money they could extract from their customers' wallets. Yes, I have an iPod, but I still dislike Apple quite a bit.

Anyway, every time I get into a Mac vs. PC debate, the Mac lover will invariably (and smugly) note that there are no Mac viruses. They explain that while we PC users are often barraged with worms, trojans, and suspicious attachments, the Mac users have a blissful, worry-free computer experience.

Well, not anymore...

Experts detect first Mac virus

Thursday, February 23, 2006


So, truly, I have been trying so hard not to be freaked out by this year's birthday. The date may be eight months away, but it is visibly looming there on the horizon. Despite my efforts, it does freak me out and I have been doing a hell of a lot of thinking over the past few months.

Basically, I have been taking stock of my life and of who I am as a person and what I have observed displeases me greatly. I don't like myself or the little crevice of life that I have carved out for myself. Because of this, the fact that I'm nowhere near what I want for myself at 30, I am going through an existential crisis. It is a crisis to me because I feel there is so much work to be done and it all seems impossible.

I don't like how I act, the things I do, or how I treat people. I am self-centered, self-defeating, lazy, and have great difficulty disciplining myself. In addition, I am not satisfied with my behavior in relationships with friends and family. For one, I am definitely a distant person, though I don't really mean to be. I would describe myself as a fortress, but not just a fortress... a fortress with a hundred different concentric walls. Gated walls. On the very outside wall is the gate where people I meet are let in. Some people never go any farther, others make their way deeper into the fortress, but no one ever gets all the way in. I don't know when my life became about avoiding attachments/pain and maintaining safe distances between me and everyone in the world, but I have become such a hermit. The irony of the fortress is that it's all for the protection of a woman who is vulnerable and weak, rather than for some mighty queen.

I know that I am overly hard on myself, but seriously, I don't like who I have become. I need a personality Extreme Makeover. I never expected myself to say this, but I like early-20's me better than I like this bitter old-lady-before-her-time me.

Anyway, it's got to stop somewhere, so I made a 43 Things list to keep track of my goals. Wish me luck!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Sounds Dire, Doesn't It?

Sounds Dire, Doesn't It?

Sounds Dire, Doesn't It?, originally uploaded by Treehugger.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bit Rusty, Oh!

Just a bit ago, I ran a couple things outside to the garbage and as I was going down the stairs, I stepped on a rusty nail that went through my shoe and stabbed my foot, probably inoculating me with tetanus. From what I know of tetanus, it's probably the most horrible, painful way a person can die. Though, apparently, it's treatable these days. This makes twice in one year that I've had rusty metal pierce my skin, and twice in one year I get to obsess about when I last had a tetanus shot or whether I am going to die a hideous death. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Who gets stabbed by rusty metal this much, anyway??