Sunday, October 24, 2004


I'm not really sure where the time is going; it feels like the weeks are flying by. I had midterms a couple of weeks ago -- can it really be halfway through the semester already? -- wherein I garnered a high B on my Sociology exam. I did some light studying, so that probably accounts for my non-A, but it's not like I don't know the material, I just have a difficult time remembering names and dates and end up guessing on those.

However, my chapter tests are online and with no in-class reminder, I find myself occasionally forgetting to take a test until it's too late. So I've missed 3 now, and I think I'm probably down like 300 points, which is just awful. I mean, even if I aced the final, I'd still have an unsatisfactorily low grade in the class. I've been lax, too, in picking up every single extra credit bonus point available to me. I'm so lazy.. argh.

I went up to Morgantown and visited my intended college. It's disappointingly not one of the gorgeous, classic ivy-covered buildings on the main campus. In fact, it's a somewhat older (60's or 70's) and slightly-rundown building, but it's kind of charming in a way. There seem to be a pleasant abundance of trees around, and the atmosphere was pretty laid-back and comfortable.

Got a 79% on a math quiz, my lowest to date and I'm not really pleased about it. I am ashamed to say I haven't done any math homework in about three weeks. I know there's no excuse for it, and it's only made worse since it's mainly due to my not being able to motivate myself to do it.

Angie has kind of switched back to 'just friends' mode since returning from her vacation in August. This is truly fine with me overall; however, I admit to being a little disappointed about not being able to sleep with her anymore. Especially now, she's lost around 25 or 30 pounds since I've known her, and she looks frippin' hot. Just the things that make you go damn.

A while back, I weighed myself as having gained 16 pounds. I've been too afraid since then to weigh myself again, and honestly I've been feeling a bit depressed about the whole thing. Is it fair to blame my inability to exercise on depression? Because I feel so crappy, I don't want to do anything or hang out with anyone. I notice that it affects my energy, because I'm not doing anything differently from last semester, and I had lots of energy then and was very social.

I know it's a Bad Thing, but to be wholly truthful, my self-esteem is almost entirely based on my appearance. I know this is a Bad Thing, and I hate it. I keep waiting to get to the point where I can just get over it, but it's such an ingrained part of my personality that it doesn't seem to want to budge. And then, when I'm feeling good, I do feel very confident about myself on all levels. I hate the fact that it takes me feeling secure about how I look to be able to love the rest of me.

I could get into a dark, self-loathing rant detailing the reasons why I suck and am a difficult person, but no one wants to read that. But let's just say that I've come to the conclusion that I should avoid relationships. I'm no good at them, mostly because I kind of live in my own uniquely crafted, emotionally-charged world. You know how I talk about myself all the time here on my blog, but that's the purpose of a blog, so you don't notice? I pretty much am like that all the time. Annoying, right? It's true. I am most often quite self-absorbed and attention-hungry.

Of course, the right person squelches those things in me, but I feel I'm being realistic when I look at my dating history, note that I will be 28 next month, and envision a future of being single. I used to believe that I would eventually marry and maybe even have kids, but these days, I have an entirely more jaded view of things. Too bad I wasn't born a gay boy.. at least I could be single and getting laid a lot.

I didn't mean to get all depressive in this post, but I guess I needed to vent some. Things have been getting a little better, and I suspect PMS as the culprit. The past 30 days have gone by in a total blur, and I had totally forgotten about my period until Angie mentioned hers yesterday. I was feeling better that day and it suddenly occurred to me that PMS had probably just snuck up on me. Can I also say that I hate that I go into an emotional black hole on a near-monthly basis? I never used to have PMS or cramps... is this because I'm getting old???

In case you're wondering, I am taking steps toward feeling better. For example, last Wednesday, after watching Super Size Me, I drastically cut my daily soda intake to one a day. Other than a few sips of tea at work, I've only been drinking water. I figured that by doing so, I'm cutting out at least 400 extra calories a day, and maybe it's wishful thinking, but I may have already lost a little weight. Plus drinking water makes me feel better, in that I'm doing something for my body, instead of working against it like I do all the time.

I also got about six inches chopped off my hair in a style that is intended to look like this. When the stylist did it, it looked fabulous and close enough to the picture, but I'm fairly certain my hair is far more unpredictable than the model's, and it since has since developed into its own style. Mikey calls it "lesbian punk rock".

To maintain the 'do, I got a straightening iron.. how did I ever live without one? I never have had an affinity for blow dryers, and just think of all those wasted minutes I spent straightening that way. I got some new product, too.. some mousse, better hairspray, a texturizing cream. All I need is a curling iron -- gah, did I really say that? -- and I think I can really work my haircut.

I watched Open Water last night, and boy was I disappointed. I thought going into it that it would scare the crap out of me; thanks to my viewing Jaws at the impressionable age of nine, the ocean (actually, any body of water) was completely ruined for me thereafter. Just the idea of the movie's premise made me anticipate the movie, but unfortunately it did not deliver.

Open Water had the potential of being a highly successful thriller, but they wasted precious character-building time dragging you slowly through various stiffly-acted scenes. First of all, the movie is only 80 minutes long, so there wasn't a lot of time to work with, but the time was mismanaged by placing focus elsewhere when what the movie most needed was more character development. You get introduced to the characters via a quick glimpse into their semi-strained, hectic relationship just as they're leaving on the trip. Ten minutes, tops, but that's about it, plus as I mentioned, the acting was so emotionless and scripted that it was hard to really feel the characters' emotions. Or, subsequently, to care about them much. I guess they expect you to like and empathize with the couple solely because they're cute and happy.

There are lots of things I would change about this film, and character development is only the beginning. Once they were in the water, the movie teased me and only sporadically let me know how much time had passed when new events happened. The characters did sometimes make a mention of time, but why put the actual time on the screen every now and then if you're not going to use it consistently? I wouldn't have minded so much if they had just done away with it altogether, but I continually kept wondering how much time had passed and how long they'd been in the water.

There are other things, but I think if those two things had been better, this would have been a scarier movie. There were definitely a couple moments of, Oh my god, nuh uh.. nuh uh.. with my hand over my mouth, but on the whole it was quite disappointing. I dunno, this might scare a nine-year-old, but it failed to impress me -- thumbs down.

Lastly, it is apparently ladybug season once more. There are about five crawling around my light right now, and hearkening back to the fun sea of beetles last fall, I am praying The Ladybug Massacre of '03 doesn't repeat itself. I still have carcasses from last year..

Currently Playing...
Song: The Flaming Lips - Ego Trippin' at the Gates of Hell
Book: The Bulgari Connection by Fay Weldon
Obsessing Over: iPods! Help me get one free by clicking here -- then get one yourself!

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