Thursday, July 08, 2004

Doubt


Things in general are about the same, though I think I'm getting to the point of not really caring. I've been trying to talk about things with people, to essentially preach to myself about how I should feel and what I should do. Not that I've really decided to take action, because I have to have my obligatory wallowing in the suffering first.

I did have a talk with Angie and at least she did finally tell me she doesn't want anything serious. This wasn't a surprise, considering I'd pieced everything together and figured it out myself. I think, however, part of my problem was that she'd all but straight-out told me, which basically let me come to my own conclusions and feelings about it. And in case you haven't guessed, that's generally a bad thing.

I think I'm doomed to be a miserable person in my life, since I constantly find myself wanting things and then not wanting them after I discover the reality isn't as pretty as the glittering idea was. Case in point: before I met Angie, I thought that it would be great if I met someone for a relatively casual relationship -- no love, no messiness -- while living here. You know, something to help sort of pass the time, make living here less sucky, get a little nookie without any major attachment, and whatnot. Yet I find myself in just this position, and I'm hurt and unsatisfied.

I've never casually dated. I've never casually dated someone for four months. I've never been in any 'relationship' with someone without there being the possibility of love, of something more. Well, that last one is not exactly true.. let's put it this way; never on purpose.

I'm in kind of an interesting space right now about this whole thing. She told me a while ago she liked me when I didn't care, and I suppose that's a good thing, because frankly I don't really care anymore. I just don't get the point of my pain and suffering here, since she obviously doesn't care and doesn't want anything to do with it.

So I'm currently trying to re-center myself and kind of get back into single mode; the state of mind I was in when Angie and I met. Things are different now, of course; I feel fat and unattractive (i.e. way less self-confidence), and my gay boyfriend and I hardly ever speak (i.e. way less self-confidence). I just have kind of given up and I don't see the point of struggling or even really trying.

I have been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that the bad attitude between us is not entirely my fault. I know this might sound obvious, but I have this really shitty tendency in relationships to take the entire blame for things. This is because deep down, I have this feeling that there's something wrong with me, so that if there is any sort of problem relating to someone, it has to be my fault. But now that I care less and have a bit of emotional distance, I see that it is NOT all my fault.

It seems like these days, at least three quarters of the time, I get a very flippant, uncaring attitude from her. Originally, I was taking it personally, but I realize that instead of it being a reaction to me being [insert negative adjective], it's just her being bitchy or snarky or whatever.

It makes it very difficult to try to reconnect with her. I have days and moments when I'm happy and relatively centered and I miss her, and I want to reconnect. I try to reconnect and she's aloof and distant. I feel like more and more these days, she's aloof, distant, irritated, whathaveyou.

Above all, I miss the way things were when we first met; I miss the snuggling, the niceties, the affection, yadda yadda. I think I am finally accepting that things will not ever be that way again, and that since things have only gone downhill since then, the logical conclusion is that the party is over.

So I haven't spoken to her since yesterday afternoon and every time I think of calling, I think of her attitude with me, and ask myself what the point is. I don't deserve the distance and bitchiness, nor do I want it bringing me down when I feel all right at the moment. And that's been part of the problem, too.. feeling like I'm getting pulled down when I started out feeling good.

I have no plan. I'm not entirely fed up yet, and I do think there's a chance for things to balance back out, for us to achieve some sort of harmony. So we'll see.

On a brighter note, I have an interview on Sunday for a local radio station. I went to a job fair back in May and applied for a programming position. The company, Results Radio, owns a bunch of local stations (hard rock, rock/pop, country, etc.), so I'm not entirely sure which station (or exact position, for that matter) I'm interviewing for. I'm praying it's not the country station, and the guy said it would be part-time on weekends.

So yeah.. wish me luck on this. I'm a DJ in my own mind already.. you have no idea how very much I have dreamed of an on-air radio station job. And don't worry. I won't forget the little people.


Currently Playing...
Song: Reel Big Fish -- The Set Up (You Need This)
Book: Chang & Eng by Darin Strauss

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