Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Current Events

It's been kind of a rough couple of weeks.  I can't quite shake this shadow of depression that lingers and follows me wherever I go.  Sometimes I'll forget about it, but it's never gone completely; almost anything can snap me back to reality and make me remember that I don't feel normal.

Angie and I are no longer dating.  We're friends, in a somewhat odd, friends-with-benefits kind of way.  Despite the fact that things weren't working for either of us, she told me she didn't feel like she wanted to date at this point in her life, that she has too many things on her plate.  That's the official reason, and I can understand, but I feel like it's not entirely truthful.  I have the impression there's more under the surface she doesn't want to say, to spare my feelings or whatever. 

Maybe I'm splitting hairs, but if she was really into me, she would make room.  That's how I feel about it, but it's not a big deal overall because why try to force something that isn't working, and has no future?  I've known for a while that love was not going to be a part of the equation, and recently I began to realize that that didn't sit as well with me as I thought it would.

Actually, it wasn't just the lack of love potential, it was a lot of other things.  But out of everything, it's what settled hardest with me.  I'd hear love songs on the radio or whatever, and the thought, "Yeah, that doesn't apply to me.." would pop into my head.  Admittedly dumb and pretty sad, but I'm the kind of person who deep down wants to love everyone.  I want to love my friends, love my lovers, love my family, love my girlfriends.  I'm a big treehugging hippie down deep.  I miss love.  I miss loving people, and maybe that's partly where the big gaping hole inside comes from.

I think what hurts me most about Angie is that I do love her, albeit in a platonic way.  I keep waiting to reach some sort of place with her where I feel like she loves me back, but instead, at least part of the time I feel somewhat used and expendable.  Not loved, expendable.  And it feels shitty, as you might imagine.

The last three women I dated were Leos, and frankly, I don't think I can take any more Leonian bullshit.  Leos can be great, don't get me wrong.  They can be very warm and charming and charismatic.  They're very likeable, especially when they're shining their great beacon of warmth and attention on you.  A Leo can effortlessly make you feel like a million bucks.  But what I've noticed about Leos is that they can only hold this focus for a certain amount of time, which is unfortunate for us little people, because the warmth and attention is addictive.  You want more, but good luck, because whether or not they're still interested at the moment is another question.

Leos have this idea in their head that their way is the best way, and they tend to sit on a bit of a high horse about it.  It ends up grating on my nerves because usually there isn't simply one right way to do things.  Anyway, I don't mean to get on a rant about Leos, because that's not the cause of my current irritation.  It's one Leo in specific.

Moving on, I got the job at the radio station, but it turns out I can't take it.  The truth is, after going in and filling out my paperwork, I was far less than enthusiastic about it.  It was mostly the feeling I got from the station and the people who worked there.  The whole operation seemed fairly unorganized and kind of sloppy, not to mention really boring and unglamorous behind-the-scenes.  Also, while I was there for my paperwork and a couple hours of training, I heard at least three cracks about homosexuals.  I don't know the people well enough to gauge their intent, but it mostly didn't appear to be people comfortable with homosexuality casually joking about it (like we do at work, which I'm fine with).  At least one instance was drawn out and way more detailed than I really would have cared to hear, and that alone really put me on the defensive.

I'd been debating for about two weeks whether to take the job, or decline it, and was having a really hard time deciding.  I was definitely leaning toward the decline side, and was just gearing up to make that phone call when the managers at OG told me that they wouldn't give me weekends off.  That they "don't hire anyone who can't work weekends." I was actually kind of relieved that someone made the decision for me, and at least the worry about that is over with.

I feel like I need something, but I can't seem to figure out just what it is.  I am looking forward to school, because that will at least lend some feeling of productivity to my life, rather than the same old shit all the time.

Currently Playing...
Song: Portishead - Undenied
Book: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Obsessing Over: Thbtbtttttbt.

No comments: