Thursday, July 01, 2004


I started typing this up as a comment, but I figured that by the time I finish, it'll exceed the character limit. Which reminds me.. I need to figure out how to use Blogger's comment system, as well as some of the other nifty new perks.

In response to the last posts's comments..

I wish I could blame the weight gain on quitting cigarettes, but honestly, the 10+ pounds are a product of too much junk food/not enough exercise, over the past 4 months. Though, possibly my trying to cut down (over that 4 month period) before going cold turkey (a.k.a. torture) aggravated my already intense oral fixation.

All I know is that I went from not being all that interested in food, to planning my next meal(s) in advance. I associate being this concerned with my next meal with having an eating disorder, as I used to and quite possibly might still have. Or at least, I associate it with being fat.

I do have a major oral fixation anyway, and yeah, straws are good... I should get some for my apartment. It's hard trying to fill the void of cigarettes, when I don't have anything constructive to replace it with. I don't know why I must constantly put things in my mouth.. I just have to.

When I met Angie, I felt pretty damn good about myself and the way I look. And I know, I know, I know that 10 or so pounds is not the end of the world, but damn it, I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I think I've found in Angie an eating buddy, or at least someone who has brought food and eating to the forefront of my attention after about four years of ignoring it.

And it's kind of a downward spiral. I eat bad things, which I enjoy at the time, but make me feel like crap, which in turn make me depressed, so I take solace in food, but it makes me more fat and depressed, and so on. Gargh.

This is not the only thing bringing me down in my life. I have other things in addition, like work and Angie, that consume the rest of my emotional energy. I know I'm depressed, but it's not fair, because I just DID my fucking time of monthly depression. I only had like three days of relative up-ness before getting sucked back down into the mire.

I've been trying to figure out the cause of my feelings, to see if there's a solution. I'm going to make myself do some sort of exercise every day (work, or hiking on my days off) and am going to have to force and/or teach myself to make better food decisions. Because, after all, the only person really affected by whether I have that snack I don't need is me.

As a result of my being down in other areas, work has been hell. I fucking wish I could compartmentalize my life. You know, keep work crap in one area, relationship crap in another, etc. The issue is that when I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy everywhere. Or rather, my life has two sections; work, and not-work, and one can easily affect the other.

I have become someone I don't recognize, and I don't like it. All the things I've written about myself in the past, about my morals, my spirituality.. I don't identify with them anymore. I don't know who I am, but I do know that I'm currently not the person I thought I was. I have become so totally bitter and hateful and judgemental.

I don't know how to remedy this, though I have been pondering it for a couple of months. I feel like I've gotten so far away from Wicca, and I don't know that I deserve to get back into it, since I feel like the good person I thought I was is a total lie. And yeah, I know it's not a total lie, because if I believed it four months ago, I must have felt it. I know, too, that I can get back into Wicca at any time I feel is right, and that it's not a question of whether I deserve it or not. It's simply whether I want to.

Everything feels really unsettled. I'm barely scraping by financially because I can't be arsed to work because I fucking HATE 90% of the redneck hillbilly mofos I wait on. I get to work, and though I may arrive in a decent mood, generally within two hours, I've turned into Satan. I know my job is at least partly responsible for making me this hateful, bitter bitch. I just am not sure what else to do, particularly around here where the pickings are slim.

And Angie.. things are questionable. I like her very much, and I knew from the beginning that I wanted to be a part of her life. In times when I felt odd or badly about things, I would ask myself whether simply being friends would satisfy this desire, and I always came to the conclusion that no, it wouldn't be enough. Because I like her more than a friend. I want to be intimate with her, both emotionally and physically.

It's just way less easy than I anticipated, considering I originally took her for a stable, mature, relatively uncomplicated, non-psycho woman. I have spent the past couple of months trying to determine whether the problems stem from me, or her, or both.. or what. I feel like even though when we first met, she was crazy about me, she is far less than crazy about me now. She was very verbal about her feelings at the beginning, and on top of that, she was so sweet to me and did the most thoughtful little things to show me how much she liked me.

I'm not sure what happened, other than a steady decline. It seems to me she has less patience for me, and she certainly is less verbal and demonstrative about her feelings. I feel unable to talk to her about things. I feel judged and sometimes put down by her, but at the same time, somehow it is as if I'm being made to feel like I shouldn't feel angry about it, like I don't have a right to be. Where once she made me feel really special, cute, sexy, smart, funny.. now I feel like an annoyance, a burden.

We went from all sorts of affection to little. I understand the whole 'honeymoon is over' deal, but sheeeit, after 4 months of meeting each other? That's kind of sad.

In addition, she has made it fairly clear to me that she and I are not on the same page as far as our 'relationship' goes. I put 'relationship' in quotations, because who knows what to call it. After all, she told me one night that I was feeling particularly needy and wanting to snuggle and be mushy that she'd be more caring if we were in a 'real relationship relationship', she didn't feel it was her responsibility to give me what I wanted or needed. It's things like that, kind of knocking me down in a moment of my feeling needy and sensitive, that hurt me, that make me angry. I mean, what the hell? I appreciate honesty, but is it necessary to be purposefully hurtful? Especially when she's been admittedly needy a few times, but I've been there for her?

And I'm not even talking vast differences in our views of things. The main difference is that I am open to the possibility of things going long-term, and she obviously isn't. Not when she's telling me, more than once, how she can't wait to live by herself. If she sees no future, I guess that's one thing. And I tell myself that at least she's letting me know now, but on the other hand, I'm not sure of the point of things. I guess I can't be happy in a relationship that has no chance for love, and this is the first time I've been conscious of it before getting drawn in and falling in love. It just.. I don't know. It seems kind of pointless.

The problem has been that I feel like I can't talk to her. I've had a really difficult time trying to organize my thoughts on this, even to simply write them down to get organized. And plus, when we do talk, I feel she takes an unsympathetic tone from the get-go, and it's really an uphill battle from there. I don't think she sees where I'm coming from, which makes me feel even more like shit because then I wonder what MY problem is, that I'm finding all these issues. I mean, does that mean I'm overly dramatic and finding problems where there aren't any, or is she somehow overlooking or unwilling to admit them?

I don't know. Instead of feeling valued, I feel unappreciated. I don't like feeling this way, and I wish somehow I could go back to when she and I met and bottle up whatever it was we had. It was really good in the beginning.

It's a lot of little things. A friend of mine recently said something to the effect that it's not mountains that trip us up, it's the pebbles on the ground. The pebbles add up.

Currently Playing...
Song: Sheryl Crow - Sweet Child of Mine
Book: Chang and Eng by Darin Strauss

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