Friday, July 30, 2004

Sloganator


Swiped from Caren, this is really great and amusing at the same time:

- Sloganator Memorial

"In March, 2004, Ana Marie Cox, of Wonkette.com started the gag of using the poster generator at the Bush Cheney '04 to generate satirical messages on the posters, courtesy of the actual BC '04 campaign. Of course, BC '04 caught on and has rendered the poster maker retarded. Many of us saved the .pdf files on our computers. This group is intended to be a swapping forum for the .pdf files. E-mail me at Michael@revbilly.com for an invititation if Yahoo won't let you in first. Yahoo supposedly only allows 10 non-invite additions a day. But that doesn't seem to be the case today. Please feel free to post your files here (I prefer, no, I DEMAND, original BC '04 pdfs). As time goes on, I will be culling the herd occassionally to allow for the survival of the funniest. Visit Wonkette.com now and everyday, since she will be posting her .jpgs as well."
(From the Sloganator mail group)



Currently Playing...
Song: Dave Matthews Band - Where Are You Going
Book: H.P. and the Prisoner of Azkaban by JK Rowling

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Har Har


I've never been accused of having a normal sense of humor, and why should I be forced to keep it to myself? Therefore, my dear readers, I am obliged to pass the yuks directly on to you.

Funny in a sick, not-funny kind of way, Melly linked to guy vs. ladder, which segued to guy vs. sword. Someone in the comments kindly posted my personal favorite, arrogant newscaster vs. lizard.

Some amusing commercials and video (links are temporary, so get 'em while they're hot):

- Hyundai commercial from France
- Panasonic - Strip tease
- Real chimp doing kung fu
- Sony Vaio - Hidden camera
- Levis - Blind man



Currently Playing...
Song: Silverchair - Too Much of Not Enough
Book: H.P. and the Prisoner of Azkaban by JK Rowling

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Current Events

 
It's been kind of a rough couple of weeks.  I can't quite shake this shadow of depression that lingers and follows me wherever I go.  Sometimes I'll forget about it, but it's never gone completely; almost anything can snap me back to reality and make me remember that I don't feel normal.

Angie and I are no longer dating.  We're friends, in a somewhat odd, friends-with-benefits kind of way.  Despite the fact that things weren't working for either of us, she told me she didn't feel like she wanted to date at this point in her life, that she has too many things on her plate.  That's the official reason, and I can understand, but I feel like it's not entirely truthful.  I have the impression there's more under the surface she doesn't want to say, to spare my feelings or whatever. 

Maybe I'm splitting hairs, but if she was really into me, she would make room.  That's how I feel about it, but it's not a big deal overall because why try to force something that isn't working, and has no future?  I've known for a while that love was not going to be a part of the equation, and recently I began to realize that that didn't sit as well with me as I thought it would.

Actually, it wasn't just the lack of love potential, it was a lot of other things.  But out of everything, it's what settled hardest with me.  I'd hear love songs on the radio or whatever, and the thought, "Yeah, that doesn't apply to me.." would pop into my head.  Admittedly dumb and pretty sad, but I'm the kind of person who deep down wants to love everyone.  I want to love my friends, love my lovers, love my family, love my girlfriends.  I'm a big treehugging hippie down deep.  I miss love.  I miss loving people, and maybe that's partly where the big gaping hole inside comes from.

I think what hurts me most about Angie is that I do love her, albeit in a platonic way.  I keep waiting to reach some sort of place with her where I feel like she loves me back, but instead, at least part of the time I feel somewhat used and expendable.  Not loved, expendable.  And it feels shitty, as you might imagine.

The last three women I dated were Leos, and frankly, I don't think I can take any more Leonian bullshit.  Leos can be great, don't get me wrong.  They can be very warm and charming and charismatic.  They're very likeable, especially when they're shining their great beacon of warmth and attention on you.  A Leo can effortlessly make you feel like a million bucks.  But what I've noticed about Leos is that they can only hold this focus for a certain amount of time, which is unfortunate for us little people, because the warmth and attention is addictive.  You want more, but good luck, because whether or not they're still interested at the moment is another question.

Leos have this idea in their head that their way is the best way, and they tend to sit on a bit of a high horse about it.  It ends up grating on my nerves because usually there isn't simply one right way to do things.  Anyway, I don't mean to get on a rant about Leos, because that's not the cause of my current irritation.  It's one Leo in specific.

Moving on, I got the job at the radio station, but it turns out I can't take it.  The truth is, after going in and filling out my paperwork, I was far less than enthusiastic about it.  It was mostly the feeling I got from the station and the people who worked there.  The whole operation seemed fairly unorganized and kind of sloppy, not to mention really boring and unglamorous behind-the-scenes.  Also, while I was there for my paperwork and a couple hours of training, I heard at least three cracks about homosexuals.  I don't know the people well enough to gauge their intent, but it mostly didn't appear to be people comfortable with homosexuality casually joking about it (like we do at work, which I'm fine with).  At least one instance was drawn out and way more detailed than I really would have cared to hear, and that alone really put me on the defensive.

I'd been debating for about two weeks whether to take the job, or decline it, and was having a really hard time deciding.  I was definitely leaning toward the decline side, and was just gearing up to make that phone call when the managers at OG told me that they wouldn't give me weekends off.  That they "don't hire anyone who can't work weekends." I was actually kind of relieved that someone made the decision for me, and at least the worry about that is over with.

I feel like I need something, but I can't seem to figure out just what it is.  I am looking forward to school, because that will at least lend some feeling of productivity to my life, rather than the same old shit all the time.

 
Currently Playing...
Song: Portishead - Undenied
Book: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Obsessing Over: Thbtbtttttbt.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Sadness

 
I was just informed that my uncle Steve died.  He was diagnosed with liver cancer a couple of months ago, and apparently it just went downhill from there.  My memories of Steve, my mom's brother, though few, are very fond.  I didn't know him well, but he was always very warm and kind to me.  I remember he once gave me a crisp $2 bill printed in 1976, my birth year.  It meant a lot to me and I still have it in one of my journals.

I never associated much with my mom's side of the family, due to the prevalence of addiction and general familial dysfunction.  Pretty much everyone on that side of the family is addicted to one thing or another, and Steve was no exception.  While most of those family members tend to dabble in alcoholism, or smoking, or pot, Steve was addicted to heroin.  In fact, as long as I have known him, he has always been addicted to heroin.

As my mom tells it, Steve's addiction was less about getting high and more about maintaining.  He never, ever seemed fucked up when I'd see him.  In fact, if my mom hadn't told me, I likely would never have known.  He was a handsome man, his demeanor calm and relatively soft-spoken.  He just took heroin to be able to manage, to pacify his withdrawal symptoms.  It's really sad.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who is understandably quite sad at the loss of her brother.  We talked a bit about him, and I found tears springing to my eyes.  It's true I never really did know him all that well, but I don't have a single bad memory of Steve.  He was unfailingly kind to me. 

My mom said, "That's exactly right.  He was a great guy.  If only he hadn't gotten involved in heroin.. what a great life he could have had.  He could have been a family man, worked, gotten married. "

It's true.  He would have been a loving husband and father.  My mom never really knew her father, who died of melanoma when she was little.  She told me today she always felt that Steve, out of all of her siblings, was most like what she imagined her father was like.  I can see that, the similarities, because I have always had the impression my grandfather was a wonderful man, one I wish I could have gotten to meet. 

My mom mentioned that when she was visiting California last, she'd had the urge to contact Steve, but for whatever reason hadn't.  That she wished now that she had.  She said, "It's so weird.. to not listen to your intuition, when it tells you you should do something, and then find out something like this."

I'm guilty of this exact thing.  My grandmother (dad's mom) for an unknown reason stopped talking to me right before she moved from California to Minnesota, where my aunt and uncle live.  Since her husband, my grandfather, died, the little bitter kernel she's always had inside took root and blossomed.  She's become incredibly negative and bitter, my grandma.  I understood it because of things she's told me -- for one, she gave up a promising career in New York as a dancer in order to marry my grandpa -- but when she let it take over her personality, the bitterness and anger began getting directed at people I love.  My mom, for instance.  I don't feel like I should have to defend my mom to my dad's mother; I feel that Grandma should know better than to take pot-shots at her.

I didn't know how to deal with it, with finding myself suddenly and uncomfortably forced to listen to her pick my mom, and to a lesser degree myself as well, apart.  I knew my grandma was considering moving, but you know, I figured she'd let me know if and when it were to happen.  Apparently she believed that the phone operated in only one direction (me calling her)  because the only time we spoke was when I would call.  I think a couple months passed without our speaking, and when I tried to call her at Christmas to wish happy holidays, imagine my surprise and hurt when the number was disconnected.  How fucked up is that, my own grandma moves out of state, and doesn't even call me???

Now, I can understand her anger at me.  My grandpa had died, and I was one of a few remaining relatives in California.  In fact, I was only an hour and a half from her, and I think she was lonely and pissed that I didn't stay more in contact or come visit her more than I did.  I take responsibility for it.. I'm a shitty person sometimes and am not very good at the correspondance thing, particularly if people don't pester me.  But I still am in a bit of disbelief that she'd move and not even let me know her new information.

I did see her and my aunt, uncle, and cousins over Christmas while living in Minnesota.  Grandma and I didn't talk all that much, other than the fairly embarrassing/amusing conversation we had on the couch, where she pretty much grilled me about whether I had a boyfriend and whether that was by choice.  My then-18-year-old cousin Danielle was sitting there, too, trying really hard not to burst into laughter, because she might be the only one on my dad's side of the family willing to understand that I'm gay.

All of that ramble to state that I should contact my grandma.  I know I should.  She's getting older, and I would hate myself if she passes away without some sort of reconciliation.  And I would hate myself; I'm not sure I could forgive myself for it.  I already feel like such a huge bitch that I waited so long to see my grandpa in the hospital (I'd selfishly stayed away because I was afraid, afraid to see my wonderful Grumpy all sick and weak), and then he died exactly a week afterward.  I'm grateful that I did get to see him, but so sad that I'd been so selfish to wait so long.

I want to write more, but it'll have to come later.  Time to go work out with Angie, and do laundry.


Currently Playing...
Song: Veruca Salt - Somebody
Book: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling

Thursday, July 15, 2004

I Just Had to Add..


Muppet Phenotypes, one of several clever comparisons at Jenny Turpish Slapped Me.

Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader


My personality according to this quiz.


Wackiness: 60/100
Rationality: 28/100
Constructiveness: 88/100
Leadership: 76/100

You are a WECL--Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a people's advocate. You are passionate about your causes, with a good heart and good endeavors. Your personal fire is contagious, and others wish they could be as dedicated to their beliefs as you are.

Your dedication may cause you to miss the boat on life's more slight and trivial activities. You will feel no loss when skipping some inane mixer, but it can be frustrating to others to whom such things are important. While you find it difficult to see other points of view, it may be useful to act as if you do, and play along once in a while.

In any event, you have buckets of charisma and a natural skill for making people open up. Your greatest asset is an ability to make progress while keeping the peace.


View Personality Key

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Our President is a Cowboy


And apparently, that's a good thing.

I snagged this from Genia, who's right.. it's definitely laughable.


Currently Playing...
Song: Natalie Merchant - Weeping Pilgrim
Book: Chang & Eng by Darin Strauss (almost done!)

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

To the Editor


I'm a member of several online political groups (HRC, MoveOn.org, Democrats.org, etc.)

One of the action calls from MoveOn.org was to send letters to the editors of local newspapers. They provided some pre-written letters, and I sent letters to several papers around here. Well, The Charleston Gazette called me a little bit ago to confirm my letter and to let me know they'll be printing it. So rock on, democracy!

This is the letter:

A New Direction

Vice President Dick Cheney represents everything that is wrong with
politics in this country. Cheney invited the energy industry into his
office to write an energy policy which benefited them at our expense.
He helped deliver $18 billion worth of no-bid contracts to the
scandal-plagued company Halliburton -- a company in which he still
holds hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stock options.

John Edwards, on the other hand, has consistently prioritized ordinary
people over corporations. He's been an advocate for middle class values
and policies which help the millions of families that are scraping to
get by.

Bush and Cheney have had their chance and failed. This November it's
time for the American voters to help them step aside, and to let John
Kerry and John Edwards lead us back in a direction we can be proud of.

Am I Right, Or Am I Right?


George W. Bush is a freakin' idiot, and he's flushing our country down the toilet.


Currently Playing...
Song: Louis Bacalov - The Grand Duel (Parte Prima)
Book: Chang & Eng by Darin Strauss
Obsessing Over: Whether I'm crazy. An online quiz said I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Could it be true? Am I certifiably whacko?

Monday, July 12, 2004

One Up in the 'Disturbing Musical Group' Category


My friend Leslie sent me a link to this song, which I originally suspected was a joke. However (unfortunately?), it turns out that Gunther is very for real.

What I simply cannot get over, or past, is the fact that Gunther looks like a drag king. His entire look screams drag king; the weird fake-looking moustache, the crappy mullet-ish hairstyle, the way he purses his lips in an attempt to be sexy (or something). Hell, he's even got lesbian action in his video. You've got eyes -- just LOOK at him!

That said, I find the video all the more amusing when I watch it from the perspective of him being a drag king. Try it. Hi-larity will ensue.

To Be Continued...
The Official Gunther Website

Sunday, July 11, 2004

this is an audio post - click to play

Ta Da


Okay, so I had my interview at Results Radio today, and I got the job. I'll be coming in on the weekends and chilling at the studio by myself, basically babysitting the stations (country, top 40, hard rock, adult contemporary, and talk radio) and making sure everything's playing on time and nothing's broken. I will be required to do some on-air stuff, like culling the weather off the internet and announcing it, and technically not on the air, but I will have to also update the 'action phone' (the thinger people call for weather, sports scores, school closures, etc.). This pays minimum wage, and I'll probably have 12 hours on the weekends.

In addition, I can earn $12/hr for doing things like dressing up as a giant frog (the mascot for the country station), being a tech and helping set up remote feeds, and being a handler for Frogzilla, the humongous inflatable frog they have.

I'm a little disappointed that it's not a DJ position, because that'd be my freakin' dream. I also see that it's not very glamorous backstage, so I'm less enthusiastic than I thought I would be. But who knows, maybe the people are nice, or the work is somewhat interesting, right? And I keep reminding myself that since I want to do more voice work, this can't hurt. Even the slightest chance of making any contacts is better than what I have now, plus I will have more on-air experience, which I can contribute to my demo tape.


Currently Playing...
Song: Sheryl Crow - Soak Up the Sun
Book: Chang & Eng by Darin Strauss

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Doubt


Things in general are about the same, though I think I'm getting to the point of not really caring. I've been trying to talk about things with people, to essentially preach to myself about how I should feel and what I should do. Not that I've really decided to take action, because I have to have my obligatory wallowing in the suffering first.

I did have a talk with Angie and at least she did finally tell me she doesn't want anything serious. This wasn't a surprise, considering I'd pieced everything together and figured it out myself. I think, however, part of my problem was that she'd all but straight-out told me, which basically let me come to my own conclusions and feelings about it. And in case you haven't guessed, that's generally a bad thing.

I think I'm doomed to be a miserable person in my life, since I constantly find myself wanting things and then not wanting them after I discover the reality isn't as pretty as the glittering idea was. Case in point: before I met Angie, I thought that it would be great if I met someone for a relatively casual relationship -- no love, no messiness -- while living here. You know, something to help sort of pass the time, make living here less sucky, get a little nookie without any major attachment, and whatnot. Yet I find myself in just this position, and I'm hurt and unsatisfied.

I've never casually dated. I've never casually dated someone for four months. I've never been in any 'relationship' with someone without there being the possibility of love, of something more. Well, that last one is not exactly true.. let's put it this way; never on purpose.

I'm in kind of an interesting space right now about this whole thing. She told me a while ago she liked me when I didn't care, and I suppose that's a good thing, because frankly I don't really care anymore. I just don't get the point of my pain and suffering here, since she obviously doesn't care and doesn't want anything to do with it.

So I'm currently trying to re-center myself and kind of get back into single mode; the state of mind I was in when Angie and I met. Things are different now, of course; I feel fat and unattractive (i.e. way less self-confidence), and my gay boyfriend and I hardly ever speak (i.e. way less self-confidence). I just have kind of given up and I don't see the point of struggling or even really trying.

I have been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that the bad attitude between us is not entirely my fault. I know this might sound obvious, but I have this really shitty tendency in relationships to take the entire blame for things. This is because deep down, I have this feeling that there's something wrong with me, so that if there is any sort of problem relating to someone, it has to be my fault. But now that I care less and have a bit of emotional distance, I see that it is NOT all my fault.

It seems like these days, at least three quarters of the time, I get a very flippant, uncaring attitude from her. Originally, I was taking it personally, but I realize that instead of it being a reaction to me being [insert negative adjective], it's just her being bitchy or snarky or whatever.

It makes it very difficult to try to reconnect with her. I have days and moments when I'm happy and relatively centered and I miss her, and I want to reconnect. I try to reconnect and she's aloof and distant. I feel like more and more these days, she's aloof, distant, irritated, whathaveyou.

Above all, I miss the way things were when we first met; I miss the snuggling, the niceties, the affection, yadda yadda. I think I am finally accepting that things will not ever be that way again, and that since things have only gone downhill since then, the logical conclusion is that the party is over.

So I haven't spoken to her since yesterday afternoon and every time I think of calling, I think of her attitude with me, and ask myself what the point is. I don't deserve the distance and bitchiness, nor do I want it bringing me down when I feel all right at the moment. And that's been part of the problem, too.. feeling like I'm getting pulled down when I started out feeling good.

I have no plan. I'm not entirely fed up yet, and I do think there's a chance for things to balance back out, for us to achieve some sort of harmony. So we'll see.

On a brighter note, I have an interview on Sunday for a local radio station. I went to a job fair back in May and applied for a programming position. The company, Results Radio, owns a bunch of local stations (hard rock, rock/pop, country, etc.), so I'm not entirely sure which station (or exact position, for that matter) I'm interviewing for. I'm praying it's not the country station, and the guy said it would be part-time on weekends.

So yeah.. wish me luck on this. I'm a DJ in my own mind already.. you have no idea how very much I have dreamed of an on-air radio station job. And don't worry. I won't forget the little people.


Currently Playing...
Song: Reel Big Fish -- The Set Up (You Need This)
Book: Chang & Eng by Darin Strauss

Monday, July 05, 2004

Erg.


I live in a freaking bug factory. From where I sit now.. I can see a spider on the window (which I'm hoping is outside) and a spider on the wall near the window. There is a spider on the other window and a wasp somewhere in my apartment. Between the bugs, rednecks, and the ghetto-ness of this building and neighborhood, I can't wait to move, let me tell you. Five more months..

I thought I'd bring this site, Slow Wave, to your attention. The concept is an intriguing one -- people send in their dreams and they get made into a comic strip. It must be something about the utter randomness of dreams that has me hooked, but I find the site to be clever, well-done, and somewhat addictive. Some of them, like this one, had me laughing out loud. I submitted a couple of dreams, so we'll see if they get used.


Currently Playing...
Song: Chieftains and Sinead O'Connor - Factory Girl
Book: Chang and Eng by Darin Strauss

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Comments/Spew


I started typing this up as a comment, but I figured that by the time I finish, it'll exceed the character limit. Which reminds me.. I need to figure out how to use Blogger's comment system, as well as some of the other nifty new perks.

In response to the last posts's comments..

I wish I could blame the weight gain on quitting cigarettes, but honestly, the 10+ pounds are a product of too much junk food/not enough exercise, over the past 4 months. Though, possibly my trying to cut down (over that 4 month period) before going cold turkey (a.k.a. torture) aggravated my already intense oral fixation.

All I know is that I went from not being all that interested in food, to planning my next meal(s) in advance. I associate being this concerned with my next meal with having an eating disorder, as I used to and quite possibly might still have. Or at least, I associate it with being fat.

I do have a major oral fixation anyway, and yeah, straws are good... I should get some for my apartment. It's hard trying to fill the void of cigarettes, when I don't have anything constructive to replace it with. I don't know why I must constantly put things in my mouth.. I just have to.

When I met Angie, I felt pretty damn good about myself and the way I look. And I know, I know, I know that 10 or so pounds is not the end of the world, but damn it, I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I think I've found in Angie an eating buddy, or at least someone who has brought food and eating to the forefront of my attention after about four years of ignoring it.

And it's kind of a downward spiral. I eat bad things, which I enjoy at the time, but make me feel like crap, which in turn make me depressed, so I take solace in food, but it makes me more fat and depressed, and so on. Gargh.

This is not the only thing bringing me down in my life. I have other things in addition, like work and Angie, that consume the rest of my emotional energy. I know I'm depressed, but it's not fair, because I just DID my fucking time of monthly depression. I only had like three days of relative up-ness before getting sucked back down into the mire.

I've been trying to figure out the cause of my feelings, to see if there's a solution. I'm going to make myself do some sort of exercise every day (work, or hiking on my days off) and am going to have to force and/or teach myself to make better food decisions. Because, after all, the only person really affected by whether I have that snack I don't need is me.

As a result of my being down in other areas, work has been hell. I fucking wish I could compartmentalize my life. You know, keep work crap in one area, relationship crap in another, etc. The issue is that when I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy everywhere. Or rather, my life has two sections; work, and not-work, and one can easily affect the other.

I have become someone I don't recognize, and I don't like it. All the things I've written about myself in the past, about my morals, my spirituality.. I don't identify with them anymore. I don't know who I am, but I do know that I'm currently not the person I thought I was. I have become so totally bitter and hateful and judgemental.

I don't know how to remedy this, though I have been pondering it for a couple of months. I feel like I've gotten so far away from Wicca, and I don't know that I deserve to get back into it, since I feel like the good person I thought I was is a total lie. And yeah, I know it's not a total lie, because if I believed it four months ago, I must have felt it. I know, too, that I can get back into Wicca at any time I feel is right, and that it's not a question of whether I deserve it or not. It's simply whether I want to.

Everything feels really unsettled. I'm barely scraping by financially because I can't be arsed to work because I fucking HATE 90% of the redneck hillbilly mofos I wait on. I get to work, and though I may arrive in a decent mood, generally within two hours, I've turned into Satan. I know my job is at least partly responsible for making me this hateful, bitter bitch. I just am not sure what else to do, particularly around here where the pickings are slim.

And Angie.. things are questionable. I like her very much, and I knew from the beginning that I wanted to be a part of her life. In times when I felt odd or badly about things, I would ask myself whether simply being friends would satisfy this desire, and I always came to the conclusion that no, it wouldn't be enough. Because I like her more than a friend. I want to be intimate with her, both emotionally and physically.

It's just way less easy than I anticipated, considering I originally took her for a stable, mature, relatively uncomplicated, non-psycho woman. I have spent the past couple of months trying to determine whether the problems stem from me, or her, or both.. or what. I feel like even though when we first met, she was crazy about me, she is far less than crazy about me now. She was very verbal about her feelings at the beginning, and on top of that, she was so sweet to me and did the most thoughtful little things to show me how much she liked me.

I'm not sure what happened, other than a steady decline. It seems to me she has less patience for me, and she certainly is less verbal and demonstrative about her feelings. I feel unable to talk to her about things. I feel judged and sometimes put down by her, but at the same time, somehow it is as if I'm being made to feel like I shouldn't feel angry about it, like I don't have a right to be. Where once she made me feel really special, cute, sexy, smart, funny.. now I feel like an annoyance, a burden.

We went from all sorts of affection to little. I understand the whole 'honeymoon is over' deal, but sheeeit, after 4 months of meeting each other? That's kind of sad.

In addition, she has made it fairly clear to me that she and I are not on the same page as far as our 'relationship' goes. I put 'relationship' in quotations, because who knows what to call it. After all, she told me one night that I was feeling particularly needy and wanting to snuggle and be mushy that she'd be more caring if we were in a 'real relationship relationship', she didn't feel it was her responsibility to give me what I wanted or needed. It's things like that, kind of knocking me down in a moment of my feeling needy and sensitive, that hurt me, that make me angry. I mean, what the hell? I appreciate honesty, but is it necessary to be purposefully hurtful? Especially when she's been admittedly needy a few times, but I've been there for her?

And I'm not even talking vast differences in our views of things. The main difference is that I am open to the possibility of things going long-term, and she obviously isn't. Not when she's telling me, more than once, how she can't wait to live by herself. If she sees no future, I guess that's one thing. And I tell myself that at least she's letting me know now, but on the other hand, I'm not sure of the point of things. I guess I can't be happy in a relationship that has no chance for love, and this is the first time I've been conscious of it before getting drawn in and falling in love. It just.. I don't know. It seems kind of pointless.

The problem has been that I feel like I can't talk to her. I've had a really difficult time trying to organize my thoughts on this, even to simply write them down to get organized. And plus, when we do talk, I feel she takes an unsympathetic tone from the get-go, and it's really an uphill battle from there. I don't think she sees where I'm coming from, which makes me feel even more like shit because then I wonder what MY problem is, that I'm finding all these issues. I mean, does that mean I'm overly dramatic and finding problems where there aren't any, or is she somehow overlooking or unwilling to admit them?

I don't know. Instead of feeling valued, I feel unappreciated. I don't like feeling this way, and I wish somehow I could go back to when she and I met and bottle up whatever it was we had. It was really good in the beginning.

It's a lot of little things. A friend of mine recently said something to the effect that it's not mountains that trip us up, it's the pebbles on the ground. The pebbles add up.


Currently Playing...
Song: Sheryl Crow - Sweet Child of Mine
Book: Chang and Eng by Darin Strauss