Saturday, May 01, 2004


Hi. How are ya. Long time no see. It's not that I haven't had stuff to post about, it's that I've been feeling rather blocked when I sit down and begin to type. Not only that, but my cable has been off and on for the past five days or so. The cable company didn't know why it was happening, and of course everything was behaving just fine when the guy came out to look at it this morning. And since I'd been online for two consecutive days with no problem, I thought maybe whatever problem it was was solved. But it started up again this afternoon. Rather irritating.

Added to my ever-growing list of technical casualties, my phone line all of a sudden didn't work the Friday before last. I picked up and tried to dial, and to my surprise, I had no dial tone whatsoever. I realized that when I paid about five bills at once last month, my phone bill wasn't one of them, so I felt like an ass because I thought I'd had my phone shut off. But then I realized later on that the bill was only a month behind and due on May 5th, so why would they shut off my phone, especially with no notice or warning beforehand? I sent them a payment and still the phone didn't work, so I finally had to have someone come out and look at it.

The phone company is a money-embezzling engine. They offer these wire maintenance plans that cost an awful amount of money to someone below poverty level, such as myself, in case anything ever goes wrong with the wiring inside your house. If you decide to pass on the maintenance plan, you may find yourself looking at fees of $90 for the first half hour of work, should the problem be inside. For those playing along at home, that is equal to ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR. Do brain surgeons even make that much money? Who the hell earns $180 an hour, other than high-priced hookers??

In any case, I wasn't going to pay that bullshit if the problem was indeed inside my apartment. I'd get a cell phone before I paid that. However, it turned out to be a problem outside on the street or something, and he had it fixed in about half an hour, with no cost to me. Thank God.

Aside from that, the march in D.C. was amazing. So many women -- amazing, mind-blowing numbers -- so many people who believe what I do. It's very empowering, to be represented in mass numbers, which is why I've always been the marching and protesting type. I felt incredibly supported and represented at the march, and the pro-life people who came out to protest the march were amusingly and incredibly outnumbered. When I say tons of people marched, we're talking at least half a million, though exact numbers haven't been agreed on. The pro-lifers numbered in the hundreds.

It was supposed to be the biggest march of women on Washington, but Angie said that it was the biggest march on the capital, ever. A little piece of history and I'm proud to say that I participated.

Other than that, the trip was not quite as enjoyable as planned. I take some of the responsibility for this, considering my PMS-induced emotionally psychotic mindset, but I don't think it was all me. Frankly, something, some dynamic, has changed between me and Angie. I haven't known quite how to take it, her shift in direction as far as how she's been treating me, how she's been with me.

I don't know if I thought she was something other than what she is, or if she misunderstood me that way, or a combination of both. And frankly, I know that I'm different than my everyday self when I'm involved with someone. I'm more serious, sensitive, more involved, more emotional. I don't think that's unexpected or unacceptable, but I think she wants the Lite version.

I realize it's been two months and I don't think my overall expectations are crazy or out there. I realize it's not been a long time, and I know that it takes longer than that to really get to know someone. I'm not saying I expected to move in or get married or anything like that, but I guess I'd originally been under the impression that she was more serious about things than she actually is. Or maybe she changed her mind once she got a glimpse of Relationship Alena.

I'll be the first one to say that the reality of me is way less romantic than the idea of me. I'm a mess and my life is a mess. I pretty much exist in a state of near-complete chaos, and I probably always will. I'm cluttered, scatterbrained, and highly emotional. I have obsessive thought processes and a constant, relatively random train of thought chugging through my brain. I can think of all the bad things, all the reasons why someone wouldn't want to put up with me. Lately it's been really difficult to focus on the good things, the fact that on my good days I believe my good overshadows my bad, and that I'm a worthy person despite my flaws.

The truth is, I have been pretty depressed and it's been very difficult to shake. While this is not the darkest I've ever been, I haven't been depressed like this in a while and it took me by surprise. I'm used to getting blue during PMS time, but I always come out of it, right back to my normal self. I've been waiting to snap out of it, to feel normal again, but every day has been, at the least, a minor trial.

Whatever it is, the original comfort I felt around her, insofar as being able to be myself, is long gone. I feel off-center and it's made me a little paranoid. Plus, in my mood as of late, I feel like instead of taking comments for what they are, I've been taking them as clues. You know, looking for negative things to reinforce what I was feeling. Overall, right now, I feel awkward around her, and confused about things in general.

The by-product of all this is that I've been a rather negative, bitchy, bitter person. Snarky, even, at times. It's just really hard to be happy and positive when you're depressed; however, I am aware that it probably made me unpleasant to be with. I'm sorry for that. I know the weekend probably would have been better had I been in a better, more positive state.

I feel sorry for the people who have to put up with my freakishness on a regular basis. Rilly. Poor bastards.

Currently Playing...
Song: Reel Big Fish -- She Has a Girlfriend Now
Book: The Speckled People by Hugo Hamilton

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