Thursday, March 11, 2004

Low Places


I haven't been very good about things lately, things like updating here, or going to class, or getting out of bed in the afternoon. Yes, afternoon. I finally figured out last night what my problem is. I'm kind of depressed.

This is very much my cycle of behavior from when I used to be depressed all the time. Fortunately for me, the only time I get anywhere near depressed is during PMS time, and that's almost certainly the major cause of my recent mood. Usually, I find myself fairly down for no reason whatsoever, and I know my period is on the way.

This time, I have things that are really pulling me down. This car situation, for one. The fact that I have no car and have missed so many Sociology classes that at this point, even though I'm halfway through the semester and even took the midterm, I am going to have to drop the class. I may have to also drop math, but the teacher seems to be okay with me trying to keep up with the homework assignments on my own. Which would be grand, too, if I was actually doing my homework.

But it's the whole unmotivated, depressed thing. I haven't picked up my math book in two weeks. I need to arrange with Angie to take me over to the asshat mechanic and fetch my car, but everything these days just seems to take way too much energy. All I've really wanted to do is hide in my house and do nothing.

I stay up very late (3-5am), which is pretty normal for me, but then when 2pm rolls around the next day, I find it incredibly difficult to get out of bed. Like, even though I should have gotten enough sleep, I should feel rested, all I want to do is close my eyes, roll over, and go back to sleep.

And the fact that I'm exhibiting this stupid depressed behavior I thought I'd gotten past.. kind of depresses me even more.

A couple of people have seriously irritated me, as well. And for no major reason, either.. they're probably things that normally I might blow off, or might not even take the wrong way in the first place. But they've got me fairly upset, even though I know it's stupid and I should blow it off.

For example, Mikey last night asked my opinion on this photo he took of himself and made into black and white. Silly me, assuming that if someone asks my opinion, they want my honest opinion. So before I realized it wasn't the photo or the work on it, that it was his expression that I didn't like, I'd pissed him off. Actually, he got really bitchy about it and I had to stop talking to him because I just couldn't deal with it.

And normally, you know, he and I have these stupid little spats and then it blows over and everything is normal again. But I'm in a different mindset at the moment and I'm feeling a world of shit because of it and other things going on.

I just want my car back. Is that so hard to ask? I'd like to do laundry, and I'd like to go grocery shopping, and I'd like to actually, you know, attend school, considering that's the most important thing in my life.

Instead, I find myself holed up in my hermit shack, listening to music and playing Gemstone again. Last night, while lying in bed trying to fall asleep at 3am, when I had the random thought that instead of trying to get up and catch the bus for school today, all I wanted to do was play Gemstone.. I knew I was in big trouble. I mean, generally, I could take or leave GS. I haven't used it as an escape in quite a while.

It's kind of frustrating.

I'm actually quite grateful that the whole Depression Era of my life is over and done with, because I can't stand feeling this way anymore. Those of you who have ever experienced depression know how difficult it is to pull yourself out of it and fix shit that's only making you more depressed. You just have no energy or motivation to do it. It's a vicious cycle.

Plus, you know, I'm faced with the reality that Mikey will be moving to Columbus in a couple of weeks and leaving me here. And since Kit has agreed to move up there, too, at some point, that means my two best friends will be leaving me alone in this shithole. Of course, there's Angie, who I really do adore tons, but her husband Shane will be coming back from Iraq (having been gone over a year) very soon, and I know the two of them will be rightfully wrapped up in each other. I'm quite happy for the both of them, him finally coming home, because they're two awesome people. I just don't want to get in the way of the homecoming and their time together.

Adding to the mix of bullshit I've been feeling lately, there is a new girl at work who I sort of have a crush on, but it's more complicated than that. For one, she looks so incredibly like Jan, I have discovered that I can't be within a ten-foot radius of her without my brain shutting down. It throws me off so much that every time she walks by, I turn into a babbling idiot.

I am not the only person to comment that she looks like Jan, so I know it's not just my imagination trying to find her where she's not. It's really freakish.

She's straight, as I kind of figured she would be. And frankly, I am usually SO good about the whole crushes-on-straight-girls thing, because one of the things I try to do in my life is avoid emotional crap if it's not necessary. And having a crush on a straight girl, to me, is completely pointless and a waste of my energy. It's just.. maybe my present state of mind, maybe the fact that if she had red hair, she could be Jan.. whatever it may be, trying to function at work in any capacity while she's there is really difficult.

This conversation happened yesterday at work:

Rose: So has everyone met Gayla yet?
Me: Um.... yes! (I turn away toward the bar because the blush is coming back with a vengeance)
Everyone says hi to Gayla.
Me (turning back): Hi, I'm Alena.
Gayla: Yeah. I know.
Me: Oh.. Ha ha.. well.. cause.. I wasn't sure whether you remembered or not..
Rose: WHY ARE YOU BLUSHING?!?!
Me: Uuuhhhh... Shut up!
I realize I sound like a half-wit and bolt into the kitchen.

OMG... WTF is that?? I'm such an idiot.

I've tried talking to her.. I tried to explain that she reminds me of someone, sort of an apology if she'd noticed my extremely weird behavior. But when I'm in her presence, I'm thrown off by her huge, beautiful green eyes and I turn into the person you see in movies where they're fine until they try to talk to the person they like, and then the dumbest fucking crap just rolls off their tongue. Yeah, that's me. Trying to fix it only made things worse, I think. Fuck.

At least everyone else at work is getting a kick out of it and thinks it's really cute. I was a total flustered mess last night and on top of that kept cursing just how easily and obviously I blush. I mean, I can't even talk about her without blushing.

I'm really hoping this stops. It's going to make work really impossible. Can you imagine me trying to do my job when she's my roommate? Gaargh.


Currently Playing...
Song: Melissa Etheridge - Melissa (live)
Book: The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith
Obsessing Over: Life

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