Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Da News

I realize there has been a certain lack of content here within the past week. This is only partly due to my laziness; I actually have just not felt the writing vibe. I've been generally sick of listening to myself bitch about one thing or another, so, you know, I was sort of trying to also spare everyone else my general bitterness.

I reached a point at work a few weeks ago, a point at which I had been deathly afraid I would eventually arrive, where I angrily spat, "I can't take this shit anymore. I can not deal with these fucking people anymore and their cheap, bitchy bullshit!" at my managers and then, pointing my finger at them, I said, "My days here are numbered, guys. I can't deal with this anymore."

They just kind of looked at me and didn't say anything. Steve had a sort of amused look on his face and just sort of nodded and rocked back on his heels. I regret saying it now, considering how much I need the job that's five minutes away while I'm dealing with the car still at the mechanic.

It's so unlike me, and I hate that. I mostly hate this job because it brings out an ugly side of me. A side of me that isn't really present anywhere else in my life. I just am so completely tired of being unappreciated, tired of working my ass off to please ignorant/demanding/rude people who wouldn't know what a proper tip was if it bit them in the ass.

Oh, and then a couple Saturdays ago, I was written up by the new manager that I can't stand. I fucking hate this guy, you have no idea. I call him Naziface. And you want to know what I was written up for? Not bringing a botttle of wine out to my table. Nevermind that I explained I had been so slammed I had no time to grab coasters, much less a wine bottle... that my tables had been sitting there for a good five minutes and were looking sufficiently irritated that I knew I couldn't wait any longer to greet them.

His response was that I should know he's there if I ever need help and that he'd be happy to take coasters and a wine bottle out to greet a table for me. Fucking WHATEVER, dude. Oh, and the great irony of the evening? I sold a lot of alcohol and surpassed the alcohol goal for the night. But yeah, okay, write me up!

I am kicking myself for not getting my shit together sooner, so that I would be that much closer to finishing college and getting a real job. A job where my intelligence, creativity, skills, and hard work might actually be noticed. And if not, at least I will be making three times more money.

This time I've spent without a car has been fairly depressing. I don't know if it's the sudden restriction on my independence, or that I simply have more time to sit here and think about shit. Whatever it is, I've been feeling fairly frustrated with my life here. I'm sick of the little, drama-filled gay pool, tired of the lame-ass bar scene, fed up with the general lack of intelligence, diversity, and tolerance.

My mom's friend, Sandy, came by one afternoon last week and we went out to lunch. I talked to her about how much I wanted to leave this area, and she kept encouraging me to try to move to Morgantown sooner rather than later. She got me all fired up and made me want to leave even more than I did before, but I don't think that's really a good thing. After all, I think, logically, I know I have to stay here until the end of the year because as far as finances go, it might be the wisest thing.

But then again, I'm going to be looking into hotel banquet catering when I move up there. A friend of mine told me that's where the money is, so of course that got me interested. After all, I don't mind my job description at all. I'm a pleaser and I enjoy going out of my way to make people happy or give them a superb dining experience. It's just that because I make no money doing it right now, I feel less and less motivated to continue on. Because frankly, for the amount of myself that I put into my job, it would be really nice to get some form of appreciation for my efforts. And while I do appreciate compliments, I hate to say that they don't pay my bills. Neither does my $2.13/hr paycheck, so to me, $ = appreciation.

I am not so delusional that I believe I can avoid the stupid/ignorant/rude/demanding people, if I'm working in the service industry. I'm well aware that I'll run into it, no matter how classy the establishment. However, having worked in service positions of varying affluence, I do know that the job is much easier for me to blow off and suck up when I'm making decent money.

After all, I was making a ton at Applebee's up in St. Paul, even though we joked our location was 'in the ghetto' and we too had our share of crappy customers and tips. But with the money flowing like that, I really didn't mind working at all. In fact, I'd pick up extra shifts every week, often working 8 shifts in a seven day period.

The lack of appreciation is mostly what gets me down. It's disappointing to me, because these days I am more often a bitter bitch while there, than not. And since I can't really be that way to the guests, my poor coworkers have to deal with it, which makes me feel even more like shit because they're like my family and don't deserve to have to put up with me. It's just that the people I wait on delight in being as infuriating as possible, so to avoid total implosion, my frustration has to be vented somehow.

I wish I could just.. like.. fast-forward about four years and skip all this stupid crap.

Currently Playing...
Song: Annie Lennox - No More I Love Yous

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