Sunday, February 22, 2004


This Jennifer thing is gnawing at me. I can't figure out what I think and feel, since there is so much going on.

Every time I get involved with a girl and they end up disappointing me, I start thinking that I'm just going to be celibate. You know, rather than have to deal with the drama, psychoses, and just utter emotional freakishness. That would actually probably be very fine with me, if I weren't such a sexual person.

Unfortunately, the laws of physics dictate that in order to sleep with women, one must deal with them.

Like I said in a previous post, if I had a penis, I would think with it way too much. Sexually, I am so entirely male. I want it. Frequently. And once someone rouses the beast, it's all over with. Which means that someone who gets me really turned on can cause me to do really stupid things I later regret.

I'm so torn over Jennifer. On one hand, I really like her. I think she's interesting, smart, and perceptive, plus she doesn't seem to mind talking about random things. We're able to have good conversations about a variety of things. She's cute, and when she smiles, she is beyond adorable. She's a great kisser and she's sexy. Just sitting next to her turns me on more than is decent.

On the other hand, she seems to drink way too much, and not just that, she ends up pretty drunk. It wouldn't be as much of a problem, I suppose, if she was a happy drunk, but she ends up being hard-headed, stubborn, and argumentative.

I went out to dinner with her on Friday night. She made a semi-deal about surprising me with where we were going, so I expected a bit more than Buffalo Wild Wings. But whatever, I'm not a freak about shit like that, and I do like the food there. Kit had warned me that it's impossible to spend time with Jennifer without her friends, and when we were making plans, she threw out the idea of playing cards with them.

I was a little surprised that she'd suggest that for our first date, I mean, I thought it the logical step considering we'd never spoken to each other outside the bar. So I told her that I preferred to spend some time alone with her, so we could talk and get to know each other. She seemed surprised... in fact, she seems to be frequently surprised by some of the things I say.

I was thrown off by the surprise, so I questioned it and she said it was fine, but that she was surprised by my directness. I didn't think I was being super-direct, so that kind of confused me. But she said she liked it, even though I warned her I'm very direct in general.

When she arrived at my house, she was finishing a beer. Yes, she was apparently drinking a beer while driving a borrowed car (hers isn't running), and this after already having a DUI (which I discovered last night). All I could say was Wow.. okay..

Yeah, I know. What the fuck am I doing?

I don't know how many beers she had prior to coming over, but she also had a tall beer with dinner. Meanwhile, her niece had called to ask if she could come out with us, you know, like right now. I couldn't even believe she'd ask me again whether I wanted company on our date. So, a little irritated, I told her that I just wanted to spend time with her, and that I figured we'd be going to Utopia after dinner anyway, we could see her friends there. She seemed cool with it, so we ordered and settled into a conversation.

As we were eating dinner, her cell phone rang and it was her niece again. When she hung up, she told me her niece was coming and would be there in a few minutes. So much for alone time. We finished dinner and moved over to the bar so I could smoke. Her niece, Jessie, and a friend showed up and the real drinking started.

By the way, Jessie and her friend were both underage and I'm not quite sure what I think of that. I remember what it was like being underage and wanting to drink, and how much I appreciated anyone overage who would help me in that endeavor. It's just so weird how my perspective has changed in ten years. Now instead of being totally okay with it, I vacillate between wondering whether I should be contributing to the delinquency of minors and wondering what the big deal is.

We spent a bit at BW3s and then went to Utopia. How the girls got drinks, I'll never know, but they ended up drunk. Jennifer and I were having a nice conversation and I mentioned that I'd called Kit before the date just to make sure there wouldn't be any ill feelings if I went out with Jennifer.

Kit had warned me about the Jekyll and Hyde thing when Jennifer drinks, so at least I was prepared for it. I'd just been hoping that it wouldn't happen because we'd had some fantastic sober conversations on the phone. Jennifer kind of wigged on me and got really pissed off, and I couldn't even exactly tell you why, since her explanation is different every time it comes up. Something about me not trusting her and blah blah.

I tried to explain that Kit is a friend of mine and that I wanted to make sure I wasn't stepping on her toes or going to cause any problems. I think it's perfectly understandable, but Jennifer stubbornly refused to see my point of view and only continued to get angrier and angrier, until finally she ended up walking away and leaving me alone at the bar.

The odd thing to me is that she has such a nice, supportive, caring group of friends. I find that you can judge a person by the quality of their friends, so I was originally very heartened by the fact that her friends were so totally genuine and warm. They talked to me for a while while Jennifer was off ignoring me or whatever she was doing, and I felt a bit better.

But really, Jennifer made me feel like shit. And trying to explain and clear it up only made matters worse, so what the hell could I do? So I was left sitting there alone at the bar, feeling my tiredness even more, spacing out, kind of going whatever and the next thing I knew, Jennifer's face was in mine, her lips searching for mine, and then kissing me.

I was again surprised. She pulled back a little, with one of her mischievous smiles, and just looked at me. I asked if that was an apology, and she kind of smirked, pulled herself up to normal height, and said no. That she didn't have anything to apologize for.

She'd apparently calmed down and easily agreed that we wouldn't discuss the subject while we were drinking. The rest of the night went very well; the attitude gone, lots of kissing and flirting in the bar, and then she ended up coming home with me.

The sex was enjoyable but not very productive, considering our exhaustion and/or drunkenness, and when we finally gave up, she wanted to hold me. She gently petted me for a while, playing with my hair and such, but refused to let me touch her back at all. It was actually really nice, though I found it incredibly difficult not being allowed to touch back.

But then I woke up at 8:30 in the morning to her getting dressed. She said she had to return the car to her friend in Marietta (15 minutes away) before 10am. I'd been planning on making breakfast and spending some afterglow time with her, but she was out of my apartment like her ass was on fire.

I expressed my concern at her leaving, and she assured me it was only because she had to return the car. I suspiciously asked if it was me, and she laughed and said no. She asked when I worked and told me to call her before then.

I went back to bed for a while, a little confused and wondering what was going on. Plus trying to justify to myself the whole sleeping with her even though I'd told myself I'd keep her at a distance if her whacko side showed itself. Curse my damn libido! I am such a man.

I called her when I woke up and got no answer at her house, so I left a message that I'd called and would try her cell. No answer there, either. And she didn't call before I went to work, so that only added to the mix of crap I was already feeling.

I had a horrendous fucking night full of bitchy, cheap people. Seems to be the norm these days, and I called this National Bug Up Your Ass Weekend, though we poor service people apparently missed that particular memo. And when I say it was a horrendous fucking night, I really mean it.. I was finally pushed far enough to give this evil she-bitch from hell a Visine shooter. I'm not looking forward to the karmic consequences of it, but this woman deserved it. However, I won't go into details because that's an entirely different story.

When I got home, exhausted still from an accumulated lack of sleep, I saw on my caller ID that Jennifer had called right after I left for work. I called her on her cell phone and big surprise, she was out at Utopia with her friends. I'd already promised Mikey that I'd go out because he'll be moving soon (damn it all to hell), even though all I wanted was to take a bath and go to bed, so I told Jennifer I had to get ready, but I'd be coming out later.

When I got to the bar, I received a somewhat awkward greeting from Jennifer, who didn't seem to quite know how to be with me after the night and morning before. I ended up pulling her aside, away from her friends. I had a rose and a ripped CD of Evanescence for her, since that's what I'm playing in my car and she said she liked it. We talked a little, cleared the air, kissed, and then she warned me that Kit was there.

Inward groan. Forseeing possible, if not inevitable, lesbian drama.

I went over to the bar to get a drink, and saw Kit sitting there, so I walked up next to her and said hi. We chatted a little bit while I got my drink, and then for a bit after. I knew Jennifer was watching, and I knew she probably wasn't happy about it. But whatever, Kit is my friend and I feel like I should be free to talk to her, despite the mutually intense hatred they apparently have for each other.

I have these idealistic notions that I can be like Switzerland in the middle.

Mikey and Kit really dislike Jennifer. Mikey knows to not bad-mouth her in front of me, now that he's doled out his repeated cautions. But Kit really blew me away last night in her vehement disgust for Jennifer. And 'disgust' is Kit's word, not mine. Everything in the evening had gone well up until that point. I'd been sitting in the other room just trying to relax, and Jennifer came over to ask me to hang out with her while she played pool. When I walked over to the pool table, Kit was standing right there, so I walked over and said hi, and then we just kind of stood there and watched Jennifer shoot pool.

After a minute or so, Kit spat with a great deal of venom, "She disgusts me."

Totally random. I just blinked at her because simultaneously I was trying to figure out where the hell that came from, while being dumbfounded that she would say that to me, knowing that I'm dating Jennifer. After a moment of shock, I calmly asked, "Would you please stop?"

She turned on me, very worked up and angry, and said it again. I just stared at her for a minute in disbelief, and repeated myself as well, stressing the word please. I told her that I'm dating Jennifer and that I didn't want to be in the middle and I don't want to be on the receiving end of bashing on either side. Kit angrily said something else insulting about Jennifer, which I don't remember because I was so completely in disbelief that after I'd asked three times, she would continue on. She then said something to the effect of, Have fun, just don't break up with her.

I couldn't take any more, so I stood up, got my drink, and told Kit I was going to go back to my table. I went and sat down alone and tried to figure shit out. I don't know if something had occurred between Jennifer and Kit before I walked over there or what, but something obviously set Kit off. And then Jennifer came to find me when I didn't come back, and she asked me what was up.

I told her that Kit was pissing me off by pushing my buttons and that I didn't want to be in there with her. She tried to get me to say what had happened, but I wouldn't tell her because the last thing I need is to inflame the situation by feeding into all the drama by being a messenger. She kissed me and told me to come back over when I felt calmer, and I said I would. But I was very upset with Kit, and just could not deal with sitting in close proximity to her, so I sat there for a while. Jennifer came back to check on me, and stayed with me a while.

We had our arms around each other when Kit walked right past us to the bathroom, and when I saw her, my heart just sunk. This is the kind of shit I don't want to deal with. This is exactly why I called Kit to make sure going out with Jennifer was okay. Kit acted like we were invisible, and I just could not bring myself to look at her.

Eventually we ended up back in the other room and I stood and chatted with Angie at the bar for a while. Kit was standing about five feet away talking to someone else, and also watching me. I just ignored her and tried to tune her out, but I was pretty disturbed still. But she came over to me and apologized. We resolved the issue and she gave me a hug, so I felt better about things with her.

I ended up asking Jennifer if I could come home with her because while I was having my horrendously shitty night at work, all I wanted was for somebody to hold me. So we went back to her house and sat back on the couch for a bit. We talked and then she brought up Kit again and pressed me harder than ever to disclose what Kit had said to me, even though I repeatedly refused and explained that I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire.

She eventually got so mad at me for refusing that she told me I could either tell her or leave. Frankly, I know that I should have left at that point, but while I was putting on my shoes to go, the argument continued and we ended up sitting back down on the couch. And because I was so fucking exhausted and just brainfried at that point, I surrendered and finally told her what Kit said. Thankfully she reacted way better than what I feared, but the argument didn't really end there.

She just gets so argumentative and stubbornly refuses to budge from whatever point of view she's in at that moment. You can explain until you're blue in the face, but no amount of logic will win an argument with her when she's drunk. Finally, out of total frustration, I asked, Can we please just NOT argue about Kit? This is just too much.

And like the argument we'd had the night before, she agreed easily to it and the storm passed over. I quickly changed the subject with some humor and she was her normal drunk self again. Of course we ended up fooling around a bit before heading to bed at 5am, and then we passed a somewhat awkward half hour before I left to go home to get ready for work.

She called this afternoon, after I'd gotten home from work. She was pretty normal, but then all of a sudden asked me, So are you going to tell me what happened last night?

If there was a verbal equivalent for ... , I would have said it right then. Instead, after a pause, I asked her if she didn't remember. She was vague about it but seemed to remember Kit having said something that pissed her off and wanted to know what it was. She didn't remember what I'd told her last night, so I tried again to refuse, but she wouldn't let it go. So I had to go through all of it over again while once again spilling my guts about it even though I really didn't want to.

But before I did so, I told her there were some things I needed to tell her. I told her that I can't do all of this drama shit, she replied that once I told her what Kit said, it would end. I told her that I don't like conflict and I dislike arguing with people, and that when I do get into it with someone, I generally prefer to resolve it sooner as opposed to later because it tears me up inside. That I have noticed she gets stubborn and argumentative when she drinks. That I'm afraid that every time we go out, there's going to be a fight. That I can see how I could easily and totally fall for her, but on the other hand, I'm afraid this is going to be a relationship where all we do is argue, and that I can't do that again. That the drama has to stop somewhere, and that I don't want the two of them playing me off each other.

Once I told her what Kit said, she told me she was at her friend's, and said she'd let me go take my nap. She asked me to call her when I woke up, but I told her I was going over to Angie's to watch The L Word, and that I'd call her afterward. I called both home and cell, no answer. I didn't bother to leave a message since I know she has caller ID and that's something she likes to do.. call and leave the number on caller ID, but no message.

She never did call me back, but whatever. I don't even know what to think at the moment. Is it so fucking hard to find a nice, interesting woman who doesn't fuck with my head in one way or another? Why do I keep attracting these people, and why the hell do I keep coming back for more? Why does my lust take me over FAR more than befits someone so intelligent?

I've decided I'm going to take a step back, and if she calls, fine, if she doesn't, fine. I certainly am not going to go out of my way to bring this brand of crap into my life.

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