Thursday, February 19, 2004

Sexuality


I've been kind of thinking about my last post. After I wrote it all out and posted it, I started having second thoughts that I should share that part of me with the world. After all, the first time I met Jennifer, she flat-out asked me if I was bi, and as we all know, when someone asks Alena a direct question, Alena cannot lie. Actually, I think she even straight out said something to the effect of whether I slept with men, which made it difficult for me to say no.

I think part of me was so thrown off by the question -- not that I mind it when people ask me things like that -- that the reasoning part of my brain was delayed in kicking into action. So of course the truth rolled out first. If I'd been prepared, I would have done some evading tactics, such as changing the direction of the topic.

I was a little hurt just how grossed out and bothered Jennifer was when I told her I occasionally sleep with men. I tried to stress my definite preference for women and the fact that the latent bi part of me only comes out once in a great while, but she was just so put off, I think, that she wasn't really hearing me. Even Mikey, who had previously never heard about that part of me -- though, amusingly, he barely batted an eyelash -- took up for me and tried to explain to Jennifer that, knowing me, if I say it happened every once in a while, that it probably wasn't even that often. Heh. Looking back on it, I wonder if I should have said, "Hey!" ;)

I guess Jennifer's gotten over it, because she is going out with me. She did bring it up last Saturday, as kind of a joke, so I tried again to stress my point of view without going into it again. But the night we first met, after our conversation, I swore to Mikey repeatedly for about a week that I was never going to tell another human being about that part of me, because no one understands. Well, except for Tristan, which is part of why I adore her so.

I've been debating with myself since I posted my last entry on whether it was a good idea or not. But what I keep coming up with is that this is one of my journals and that if I can't be who I am here, what good is it? And it's not even as if I feel ashamed about that part of me -- though people would really like to TRY to make me feel that way -- it's just that I know most people won't understand and will think differently of me because of it. And it doesn't make me different from the person they knew before that, because gay or bi, I am who I am.

I also have noticed, since I started talking to Jennifer, that the majority of my friends are female (that pretty much includes Mikey, too). I've gotten the impression that Jennifer is a little bit on the jealous side, which is fine with me as long as the jealously doesn't get controlling, but it makes me more aware of things. Like the fact that on my dresser I have a pile of papers with women's phone numbers on them. They happen to belong to my coworkers who are exceedingly straight, but you know, if you're looking through jealous eyes, I come out looking like PimpDaddy Alena.

In any case, because I've had my last post in mind, as well, I sort of realized that I just don't like guys very much. I mean, as a species, I could totally live without them. Sorry guys! Like if you wanted to ship me off to an island full of women, I would be ecstatic. I mean, I swear I wish I was an Amazon.. I would love to live like that. Well, minus the cutting off of breasts.

I adore my closer male friends, like Alex, in whose company I felt very comfortable in and easy, but when I say 'close', it's kind of relative. I don't generally get very close to guys, mostly because I can't find that deep connection with them. So most men and male acquaintances in my life are tolerated, and little more than that. I know that makes me look awful, but I do care about all my friends, including the male ones. It's just that I probably would be closer to them if they were female. Plus they burp and fart and do gross things. I never have understood what women see in men. ;)

And in thinking, I realized that no woman I date should ever even consider the thought that I would leave her for a man. Because that just would never happen. I don't want a relationship with a guy, period. And I'm less and less interested in sleeping with them as I get older.

Oh, and I've decided the right term for me is Bisexual-Male Lesbian.

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