Friday, February 27, 2004

I'm Feeling Stupid

Okay, so like, I've been deathly, deathly bored for the past couple of days. I've been kind of worn down and tired, and not really interested in doing anything. Plus due to this general malaise I've been feeling, I have had a lot of difficulty sitting and focusing on one thing for very long.

I love looking through people's links on their blogs, but I've lately been kind of guilty of link theft, so what I really wanted was to discover some randomness and new stuff on my own.

I had Alex give me random words to plug in for Google searches, but despite the great words he picked, like 'boobs guitar programming', nothing interesting turned up. What's a girl to do?

I've surrendered to the ennui and am just sitting here listening to new music. I've recently noticed just how much mellow music I have, and earlier today, I realized part of my boredom was that the music wasn't speaking to me. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, and damn it, it was all way too mellow. I kept shuffling and shuffling hoping to get a pocket of loud, bouncy music, but all my MP3 player seems to want to play is the slow shit.

I had a long, winding, great conversation with Alex in which we swapped music recommendations. He got me hooked up with some great stuff tonight, and I'm happily listening and enjoying.

I have to say that I connect most with people who are as obsessed with good music as I am. Because they just get what music can do for you. And what I love about Alex is that he's on the same level as I am with music and we can have music swapping sessions where we try out each other's music.

I actually get kind of a high from downloading never-heard-before stuff and listening to it. New music is so orgasmically exciting for me. And since I like just about everything, I love getting recommendations from other people because I can filter out most of the bad shit.

I actually look at people's playlists and things like that 'Psycho Shuffle' thing, to see what people are listening to, and if something seems interesting, I grab it. I hardly ever listen to the radio and never know what's playing in the club (though Mikey seems to keep abreast of that sort of thing), so I tend to get most of my new music from someone telling me. That and when I'm on WinMX if I have the disk space to spare, I will find people with the fastest connections and browse for hours, downloading as I go.

I've found some awesome stuff that way. Plus I think it's very interesting to see what other people are listening to.

I haven't much to post, simply because I've been bored off my ass and my car is at the mechanic. I did want to post this, something Alex got off "TV station allows anyone to report business closings due to snow storm. Hilarity ensues."

And also, because I'm in a dumb, bored mood, I'm going to post a link to my very first website EVAR. That it's even still up despite no work on it in over seven years stands as testament that my dorky past will never die.

Laugh away. Yes, I can hear you sniggering from here.

Currently Playing...
Song: Bass Test - Chemical Brothers

Something's Fishy in Psycho Lesbian Drama Land..

Here's the thing. After getting over my initial shock at the desecration of my poor car, I began piecing clues together. I am Scorpio, after all, therefore I am Detective, too.

Once the disbelief passed, my first thought was, Did Jennifer do it?

The more I figure out, the more the evidence points directly to her. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not trying to pin the blame on her just because she's a psycho freak. Hell... frankly, I would love to know for certain that Jennifer isn't the kind of person that would do a thing like this.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present you my collection of evidence.

Parkersburg is relatively low in crime. It's not unheard of to leave your car running outside while you run in somewhere, much less simply leaving the doors unlocked. That's not to say crime doesn't happen, but in general, it's not one of our biggest problems.

My car is a dark blue '93 Subaru Legacy station wagon. And not in very fantastic condition, either.

My car was fairly prominently displayed in the side lot where we'd parked, and visible from the front of the bar. Jennifer and Jessie know what my car looks like.

I had nothing of value in the car. The three things I had worth more than $10 were left in the car (tape player, CD adapter, box of tapes). Since the CD adapter was on the floor after they dumped the contents of my glove box, it was obvious they'd seen it. They'd also pushed in my cup holder and tossed my cup on the floor, exposing my tape deck. So they had to have seen that, too.

I don't know why anyone would want to steal my car, as the only thing really going for it is that it runs. Beyond that, there was no attempt to hotwire the car, and frankly, they didn't even need to. They removed the lock and tumbler, exposing the case in the steering column. The car started at the mechanics, before my very eyes, with a screwdriver. Once they had the lock out, any person with a screwdriver could have started my car and driven it away. But they didn't. Why?

I was only in the bar for two hours. During this time, there was a nasty altercation with Jennifer and she left really pissed off. It was Jennifer's birthday and she was really fucking drunk, even more than I have seen her before (and that's saying something). I had been pushing her buttons to get her worked up because I didn't care and it amused me. But then she really got into it with Mikey and she got so angry that she basically grabbed her niece and they left shortly afterward. I personally believe that Jennifer was too drunk to physically have the manual coordination it would take to pop out my ignition lock, but of course anything is possible.

Wednesday was her niece's birthday, so they went out to celebrate, and then at midnight, they celebrated Jennifer's. Normally, Jessie has been extremely cool with me, and I though we got along fine. She seemed way less drunk than Jennifer, much more collected, and she didn't seem angry at all when she and Jennifer left. She said goodbye to me and Mikey, called him 'sweetie', I wished her a happy birthday, it was quite pleasant and civil.

It was also Wednesday night/Thursday morning, which means most of town was at home, if not sleeping. On one hand this could make a theft attempt easier, but for some reason I feel like it's actually less likely to have it happen then, than, say, on a Friday or Saturday night. Two sets of cops arrived very quickly, too, indicating a lack of crime elsewhere.

The most plausible theory is that after they walked out of the bar, they sat in the car for a little bit, with Jennifer flipping out in one of her drunken rages. I figure after a while of that, Jennifer probably noticed my car and decided to do something to it. It seems unlike Jessie to contribute to this, especially since I've been really nice to her, but if she had to listen to Jennifer bitch for an hour, she may have finally just said something like, Okay, here.. there you go and popped the ignition out.

So there you have it. Since I'm not the only one asking the question, Was it Jennifer?, I can't shake it. It's just too weird and too fishy. My gut just keeps coming back to Jennifer.

Currently Playing...
Song: Sheryl Crow and Friends, Live From Central Park - Entire Album
Book: Bel Canto

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Burn It -- Winter Edition

I stumbled across this music-swapping program called Burn It. It's a great idea, sign up!


Just a couple of things I worked on today:

You Know You're Lazy When... -- After pictures

Another chapter in The Redneck Neighbor Chronicles


Currently Playing...
Song: Reprise by Erykah Badu
Book: Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
Obsessing Over: My car

The Psycho Shuffle

Stolen from this site. I really liked the idea, so here goes. Keep in mind my MP3 player doesn't shuffle very well.

Step 1: Open your MP3 player.
Step 2: Queue up every music file you have.
Step 3: Set it to "Shuffle" or "Random".
Step 4: Write down the first 25 songs played, no matter how embarrassing.

1. Mykologics -- Mouse on Mars
2. Garden Rose -- Kris Delmhorst
3. Bigger Stronger -- Coldplay
4. The Scientist -- Coldplay
5. The Song Will Remain -- Steeleye Span
6. River In a Cage -- Rusted Root
7. The Sky Is Broken -- Moby
8. Complete Set -- Sheryl Crow
9. Goodnight -- Melissa Etheridge
10. Fantasia and Fugue in G Minor -- J.S. Bach
11. I'm Not Your First -- T.A.T.U.
12. I May Know the Word -- Natalie Merchant
13. As Is -- Ani DiFranco
14. Merry Christmas, Baby -- Sheryl Crow with Eric Clapton
15. Gold Dust -- Tori Amos
16. Sweet Child of Mine -- Sheryl Crow
17. Amphibian -- Bjork
18. Both Hands -- Ani DiFranco
19. Red Herring -- Kris Delmhorst
20. Symphony No. 9 (Scherzo) -- Beethoven
21. Leave Me Alone -- Natalie Imbruglia
22. Trouble -- Coldplay
23. Saturday Night's All Right -- Nickelback and Kid Rock
24. Mr. Big Stuff -- Aretha Franklin
25. Tomorrow is Maybe -- Deep Forest

Bend Over...

Cause I've learned that the universe just rams you up the ass from time to time, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Like, for instance, someone breaking into my car tonight and ripping my ignition out.

I really would like to blame the whole thing on Jennifer, since she was the only reason I was out in the first place, but part of me believes that this is my karma for the Visine shooter.

In any case, Jennifer called me and tried to make a big deal out of nothing and said she wanted to talk to me in person. Because she didn't want me to be mad at her. And honestly, I wasn't going to go because frankly there was nothing I wanted to hear from her. But then I showered and did my hair with the new straightening stuff I got and afterwards decided I was way too hot to not go out and flaunt it.

Yeah, I'm dumb. I know. But whatever, I went out and in the two hours we were in the bar, someone ripped the ignition out of my car and rifled through my glovebox. The area I live in is generally pretty safe and free of crime, so I leave my doors unlocked. Mostly because fixing a broken window would cost me more than anything I have in my car.

And because of this, I don't keep anything in my car. The only things that cost more than $10 are my CD adapter and box of cassettes (which were both left). No one wants my tape deck. Actually, I'd give it willingly, because it would be more reason to put a CD player in my car.

When Mikey and I walked to the car, the only thing out of the ordinary was that the interior light was on in the car. The passenger side has to be closed hard, so sometimes it gets left open like that, but I had made Mikey re-close his door to turn the light off. I kind of shook it off until I got into the car and went to find the keyhole with my fingers... and felt a big, gaping hole instead.

Yeah. My ignition was just... like... gone.

I ended up calling the cops, who filed a report and said nothing could be done. I wanted fingerprints! Bastards! So my car is just sitting there and I have to pay out the ass to get it towed and get a new ignition. Grrrrr.

And Jennifer is just so fucking messed up, I have no words. Phew, I am so glad I'm out of that!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Hot Diggity Dumped

You guessed it. The drama unfolds as Jennifer informed me tonight on the phone that she and Kit were 'talking again'. I was left to divine the exact meaning of this, as she wouldn't out-and-out say what it is she was trying to say. Because I knew it would be so much easier if she was the one dumping me, I dragged it all out of her, piece by piece, and made her say everything.

The scoop (via Mikey, Jennifer omitted quite a bit) apparently is that she and Kit resolved their differences, and I guess they went out to eat and talk on Sunday. Which would be the reason Jennifer never called me back. Kit has no romantic inclination toward Jennifer whatsoever, and is willing enough to be her friend, albeit without the psycho drama, but will not be dating her.

Jennifer is a chickenshit, by the way. I asked her if she still had feelings for Kit -- something not terribly hard to divine from her behavior -- and she waffled and said, "I'd say probably yes." And was quite surprised that I figured it out. Gawd. People must take me for a moron.. like I don't have eyes, and am not super perceptive about shit?

And then when I had to ask her if she and Kit would be going out again, she said, "I'd say probably yes." That seemed to be her answer for everything, since she wouldn't be up-front about any of it. I knew where she was going with the conversation and I led her in a little dance around the bush she was beating until she finally spilled it.

She 'just feels really comfortable with Kit'. I'm 'a really interesting person' and she wanted me to know that it's not anything to do with me at all. While in my head, I was kind of laughing because I know that for a fact. Oh, and that she thinks I'm really attractive. Mikey was like, "What the fuck is that? I'm breaking up with you, but I think you're hot?"

Yeah, I dunno. I'm not upset about it, other than the fact that no matter the circumstances, I FUCKING HATE BEING DUMPED. And it pisses me off that she probably thinks she has the upper hand now, even though I'm actually really glad I happened to escape unscathed. But whatever.

Actually, I'm more interested in sitting back and watching the inevitable shit hit the fan, cause you just know it's going to. I mean, Jennifer is apparently deluded in her current beliefs and perceptions, and considering she's setting herself up again to be smacked down by Kit, it's not going to be pretty when Jennifer realizes she ain't never gonna have her.

Whether she tries to pick me up after that, I'm also interested to see. I know that I was a rebound thing and mostly served a purpose in Jennifer's trying to make Kit jealous. Just my ego wants to know maybe part of her interest was genuinely my sparkling and wonderful personality. Or was all of it just fake bullshit?

But yeah. I'm free! Freeeee!!


I started up an Amazon Wishlist, mostly because I thought what the hell. Then it turned really addictive.

It's very amusing what a variety of stuff Amazon sells, and you should note the vibrators I have listed. Yeah, Amazon sells vibrators! And I really need one! Hahahaaaa..

But aaanyway, I have a lot of books and movies and crap on there, and while I made the wishlist for shits and giggles, I would like to state that I would happily accept used copies of anything, because when it comes to media, I am not picky whatsoever.

Not that I expect anyone to actually buy me anything, but thanks in advance. ;)

Monday, February 23, 2004

My Personal UK Movie Rating

My life has been rated:
Click to find out your rating!
See what your rating is!

What does this mean?

To quote the BBFC: The R18 category is a special and legally restricted classification primarily for explicit videos of consenting sex between adults. Such videos may be supplied to adults only in licensed sex shops, of which there are currently about 90 in the UK.

You are filthy. Congratulations!

The L Word

I'm bored and web surfing and came across this blog entry on the last episode. The comments on the show are pretty amusing.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

SF Gate Gallery: Same-Sex Marriage Revolution


This Jennifer thing is gnawing at me. I can't figure out what I think and feel, since there is so much going on.

Every time I get involved with a girl and they end up disappointing me, I start thinking that I'm just going to be celibate. You know, rather than have to deal with the drama, psychoses, and just utter emotional freakishness. That would actually probably be very fine with me, if I weren't such a sexual person.

Unfortunately, the laws of physics dictate that in order to sleep with women, one must deal with them.

Like I said in a previous post, if I had a penis, I would think with it way too much. Sexually, I am so entirely male. I want it. Frequently. And once someone rouses the beast, it's all over with. Which means that someone who gets me really turned on can cause me to do really stupid things I later regret.

I'm so torn over Jennifer. On one hand, I really like her. I think she's interesting, smart, and perceptive, plus she doesn't seem to mind talking about random things. We're able to have good conversations about a variety of things. She's cute, and when she smiles, she is beyond adorable. She's a great kisser and she's sexy. Just sitting next to her turns me on more than is decent.

On the other hand, she seems to drink way too much, and not just that, she ends up pretty drunk. It wouldn't be as much of a problem, I suppose, if she was a happy drunk, but she ends up being hard-headed, stubborn, and argumentative.

I went out to dinner with her on Friday night. She made a semi-deal about surprising me with where we were going, so I expected a bit more than Buffalo Wild Wings. But whatever, I'm not a freak about shit like that, and I do like the food there. Kit had warned me that it's impossible to spend time with Jennifer without her friends, and when we were making plans, she threw out the idea of playing cards with them.

I was a little surprised that she'd suggest that for our first date, I mean, I thought it the logical step considering we'd never spoken to each other outside the bar. So I told her that I preferred to spend some time alone with her, so we could talk and get to know each other. She seemed surprised... in fact, she seems to be frequently surprised by some of the things I say.

I was thrown off by the surprise, so I questioned it and she said it was fine, but that she was surprised by my directness. I didn't think I was being super-direct, so that kind of confused me. But she said she liked it, even though I warned her I'm very direct in general.

When she arrived at my house, she was finishing a beer. Yes, she was apparently drinking a beer while driving a borrowed car (hers isn't running), and this after already having a DUI (which I discovered last night). All I could say was Wow.. okay..

Yeah, I know. What the fuck am I doing?

I don't know how many beers she had prior to coming over, but she also had a tall beer with dinner. Meanwhile, her niece had called to ask if she could come out with us, you know, like right now. I couldn't even believe she'd ask me again whether I wanted company on our date. So, a little irritated, I told her that I just wanted to spend time with her, and that I figured we'd be going to Utopia after dinner anyway, we could see her friends there. She seemed cool with it, so we ordered and settled into a conversation.

As we were eating dinner, her cell phone rang and it was her niece again. When she hung up, she told me her niece was coming and would be there in a few minutes. So much for alone time. We finished dinner and moved over to the bar so I could smoke. Her niece, Jessie, and a friend showed up and the real drinking started.

By the way, Jessie and her friend were both underage and I'm not quite sure what I think of that. I remember what it was like being underage and wanting to drink, and how much I appreciated anyone overage who would help me in that endeavor. It's just so weird how my perspective has changed in ten years. Now instead of being totally okay with it, I vacillate between wondering whether I should be contributing to the delinquency of minors and wondering what the big deal is.

We spent a bit at BW3s and then went to Utopia. How the girls got drinks, I'll never know, but they ended up drunk. Jennifer and I were having a nice conversation and I mentioned that I'd called Kit before the date just to make sure there wouldn't be any ill feelings if I went out with Jennifer.

Kit had warned me about the Jekyll and Hyde thing when Jennifer drinks, so at least I was prepared for it. I'd just been hoping that it wouldn't happen because we'd had some fantastic sober conversations on the phone. Jennifer kind of wigged on me and got really pissed off, and I couldn't even exactly tell you why, since her explanation is different every time it comes up. Something about me not trusting her and blah blah.

I tried to explain that Kit is a friend of mine and that I wanted to make sure I wasn't stepping on her toes or going to cause any problems. I think it's perfectly understandable, but Jennifer stubbornly refused to see my point of view and only continued to get angrier and angrier, until finally she ended up walking away and leaving me alone at the bar.

The odd thing to me is that she has such a nice, supportive, caring group of friends. I find that you can judge a person by the quality of their friends, so I was originally very heartened by the fact that her friends were so totally genuine and warm. They talked to me for a while while Jennifer was off ignoring me or whatever she was doing, and I felt a bit better.

But really, Jennifer made me feel like shit. And trying to explain and clear it up only made matters worse, so what the hell could I do? So I was left sitting there alone at the bar, feeling my tiredness even more, spacing out, kind of going whatever and the next thing I knew, Jennifer's face was in mine, her lips searching for mine, and then kissing me.

I was again surprised. She pulled back a little, with one of her mischievous smiles, and just looked at me. I asked if that was an apology, and she kind of smirked, pulled herself up to normal height, and said no. That she didn't have anything to apologize for.

She'd apparently calmed down and easily agreed that we wouldn't discuss the subject while we were drinking. The rest of the night went very well; the attitude gone, lots of kissing and flirting in the bar, and then she ended up coming home with me.

The sex was enjoyable but not very productive, considering our exhaustion and/or drunkenness, and when we finally gave up, she wanted to hold me. She gently petted me for a while, playing with my hair and such, but refused to let me touch her back at all. It was actually really nice, though I found it incredibly difficult not being allowed to touch back.

But then I woke up at 8:30 in the morning to her getting dressed. She said she had to return the car to her friend in Marietta (15 minutes away) before 10am. I'd been planning on making breakfast and spending some afterglow time with her, but she was out of my apartment like her ass was on fire.

I expressed my concern at her leaving, and she assured me it was only because she had to return the car. I suspiciously asked if it was me, and she laughed and said no. She asked when I worked and told me to call her before then.

I went back to bed for a while, a little confused and wondering what was going on. Plus trying to justify to myself the whole sleeping with her even though I'd told myself I'd keep her at a distance if her whacko side showed itself. Curse my damn libido! I am such a man.

I called her when I woke up and got no answer at her house, so I left a message that I'd called and would try her cell. No answer there, either. And she didn't call before I went to work, so that only added to the mix of crap I was already feeling.

I had a horrendous fucking night full of bitchy, cheap people. Seems to be the norm these days, and I called this National Bug Up Your Ass Weekend, though we poor service people apparently missed that particular memo. And when I say it was a horrendous fucking night, I really mean it.. I was finally pushed far enough to give this evil she-bitch from hell a Visine shooter. I'm not looking forward to the karmic consequences of it, but this woman deserved it. However, I won't go into details because that's an entirely different story.

When I got home, exhausted still from an accumulated lack of sleep, I saw on my caller ID that Jennifer had called right after I left for work. I called her on her cell phone and big surprise, she was out at Utopia with her friends. I'd already promised Mikey that I'd go out because he'll be moving soon (damn it all to hell), even though all I wanted was to take a bath and go to bed, so I told Jennifer I had to get ready, but I'd be coming out later.

When I got to the bar, I received a somewhat awkward greeting from Jennifer, who didn't seem to quite know how to be with me after the night and morning before. I ended up pulling her aside, away from her friends. I had a rose and a ripped CD of Evanescence for her, since that's what I'm playing in my car and she said she liked it. We talked a little, cleared the air, kissed, and then she warned me that Kit was there.

Inward groan. Forseeing possible, if not inevitable, lesbian drama.

I went over to the bar to get a drink, and saw Kit sitting there, so I walked up next to her and said hi. We chatted a little bit while I got my drink, and then for a bit after. I knew Jennifer was watching, and I knew she probably wasn't happy about it. But whatever, Kit is my friend and I feel like I should be free to talk to her, despite the mutually intense hatred they apparently have for each other.

I have these idealistic notions that I can be like Switzerland in the middle.

Mikey and Kit really dislike Jennifer. Mikey knows to not bad-mouth her in front of me, now that he's doled out his repeated cautions. But Kit really blew me away last night in her vehement disgust for Jennifer. And 'disgust' is Kit's word, not mine. Everything in the evening had gone well up until that point. I'd been sitting in the other room just trying to relax, and Jennifer came over to ask me to hang out with her while she played pool. When I walked over to the pool table, Kit was standing right there, so I walked over and said hi, and then we just kind of stood there and watched Jennifer shoot pool.

After a minute or so, Kit spat with a great deal of venom, "She disgusts me."

Totally random. I just blinked at her because simultaneously I was trying to figure out where the hell that came from, while being dumbfounded that she would say that to me, knowing that I'm dating Jennifer. After a moment of shock, I calmly asked, "Would you please stop?"

She turned on me, very worked up and angry, and said it again. I just stared at her for a minute in disbelief, and repeated myself as well, stressing the word please. I told her that I'm dating Jennifer and that I didn't want to be in the middle and I don't want to be on the receiving end of bashing on either side. Kit angrily said something else insulting about Jennifer, which I don't remember because I was so completely in disbelief that after I'd asked three times, she would continue on. She then said something to the effect of, Have fun, just don't break up with her.

I couldn't take any more, so I stood up, got my drink, and told Kit I was going to go back to my table. I went and sat down alone and tried to figure shit out. I don't know if something had occurred between Jennifer and Kit before I walked over there or what, but something obviously set Kit off. And then Jennifer came to find me when I didn't come back, and she asked me what was up.

I told her that Kit was pissing me off by pushing my buttons and that I didn't want to be in there with her. She tried to get me to say what had happened, but I wouldn't tell her because the last thing I need is to inflame the situation by feeding into all the drama by being a messenger. She kissed me and told me to come back over when I felt calmer, and I said I would. But I was very upset with Kit, and just could not deal with sitting in close proximity to her, so I sat there for a while. Jennifer came back to check on me, and stayed with me a while.

We had our arms around each other when Kit walked right past us to the bathroom, and when I saw her, my heart just sunk. This is the kind of shit I don't want to deal with. This is exactly why I called Kit to make sure going out with Jennifer was okay. Kit acted like we were invisible, and I just could not bring myself to look at her.

Eventually we ended up back in the other room and I stood and chatted with Angie at the bar for a while. Kit was standing about five feet away talking to someone else, and also watching me. I just ignored her and tried to tune her out, but I was pretty disturbed still. But she came over to me and apologized. We resolved the issue and she gave me a hug, so I felt better about things with her.

I ended up asking Jennifer if I could come home with her because while I was having my horrendously shitty night at work, all I wanted was for somebody to hold me. So we went back to her house and sat back on the couch for a bit. We talked and then she brought up Kit again and pressed me harder than ever to disclose what Kit had said to me, even though I repeatedly refused and explained that I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire.

She eventually got so mad at me for refusing that she told me I could either tell her or leave. Frankly, I know that I should have left at that point, but while I was putting on my shoes to go, the argument continued and we ended up sitting back down on the couch. And because I was so fucking exhausted and just brainfried at that point, I surrendered and finally told her what Kit said. Thankfully she reacted way better than what I feared, but the argument didn't really end there.

She just gets so argumentative and stubbornly refuses to budge from whatever point of view she's in at that moment. You can explain until you're blue in the face, but no amount of logic will win an argument with her when she's drunk. Finally, out of total frustration, I asked, Can we please just NOT argue about Kit? This is just too much.

And like the argument we'd had the night before, she agreed easily to it and the storm passed over. I quickly changed the subject with some humor and she was her normal drunk self again. Of course we ended up fooling around a bit before heading to bed at 5am, and then we passed a somewhat awkward half hour before I left to go home to get ready for work.

She called this afternoon, after I'd gotten home from work. She was pretty normal, but then all of a sudden asked me, So are you going to tell me what happened last night?

If there was a verbal equivalent for ... , I would have said it right then. Instead, after a pause, I asked her if she didn't remember. She was vague about it but seemed to remember Kit having said something that pissed her off and wanted to know what it was. She didn't remember what I'd told her last night, so I tried again to refuse, but she wouldn't let it go. So I had to go through all of it over again while once again spilling my guts about it even though I really didn't want to.

But before I did so, I told her there were some things I needed to tell her. I told her that I can't do all of this drama shit, she replied that once I told her what Kit said, it would end. I told her that I don't like conflict and I dislike arguing with people, and that when I do get into it with someone, I generally prefer to resolve it sooner as opposed to later because it tears me up inside. That I have noticed she gets stubborn and argumentative when she drinks. That I'm afraid that every time we go out, there's going to be a fight. That I can see how I could easily and totally fall for her, but on the other hand, I'm afraid this is going to be a relationship where all we do is argue, and that I can't do that again. That the drama has to stop somewhere, and that I don't want the two of them playing me off each other.

Once I told her what Kit said, she told me she was at her friend's, and said she'd let me go take my nap. She asked me to call her when I woke up, but I told her I was going over to Angie's to watch The L Word, and that I'd call her afterward. I called both home and cell, no answer. I didn't bother to leave a message since I know she has caller ID and that's something she likes to do.. call and leave the number on caller ID, but no message.

She never did call me back, but whatever. I don't even know what to think at the moment. Is it so fucking hard to find a nice, interesting woman who doesn't fuck with my head in one way or another? Why do I keep attracting these people, and why the hell do I keep coming back for more? Why does my lust take me over FAR more than befits someone so intelligent?

I've decided I'm going to take a step back, and if she calls, fine, if she doesn't, fine. I certainly am not going to go out of my way to bring this brand of crap into my life.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

You Figure It Out

This game is fairly addictive. I think the point is to figure out how to get out of the room. I couldn't do it, though I did figure some of it out. Good luck, and enjoy the Engrish.

Thursday, February 19, 2004


I've been kind of thinking about my last post. After I wrote it all out and posted it, I started having second thoughts that I should share that part of me with the world. After all, the first time I met Jennifer, she flat-out asked me if I was bi, and as we all know, when someone asks Alena a direct question, Alena cannot lie. Actually, I think she even straight out said something to the effect of whether I slept with men, which made it difficult for me to say no.

I think part of me was so thrown off by the question -- not that I mind it when people ask me things like that -- that the reasoning part of my brain was delayed in kicking into action. So of course the truth rolled out first. If I'd been prepared, I would have done some evading tactics, such as changing the direction of the topic.

I was a little hurt just how grossed out and bothered Jennifer was when I told her I occasionally sleep with men. I tried to stress my definite preference for women and the fact that the latent bi part of me only comes out once in a great while, but she was just so put off, I think, that she wasn't really hearing me. Even Mikey, who had previously never heard about that part of me -- though, amusingly, he barely batted an eyelash -- took up for me and tried to explain to Jennifer that, knowing me, if I say it happened every once in a while, that it probably wasn't even that often. Heh. Looking back on it, I wonder if I should have said, "Hey!" ;)

I guess Jennifer's gotten over it, because she is going out with me. She did bring it up last Saturday, as kind of a joke, so I tried again to stress my point of view without going into it again. But the night we first met, after our conversation, I swore to Mikey repeatedly for about a week that I was never going to tell another human being about that part of me, because no one understands. Well, except for Tristan, which is part of why I adore her so.

I've been debating with myself since I posted my last entry on whether it was a good idea or not. But what I keep coming up with is that this is one of my journals and that if I can't be who I am here, what good is it? And it's not even as if I feel ashamed about that part of me -- though people would really like to TRY to make me feel that way -- it's just that I know most people won't understand and will think differently of me because of it. And it doesn't make me different from the person they knew before that, because gay or bi, I am who I am.

I also have noticed, since I started talking to Jennifer, that the majority of my friends are female (that pretty much includes Mikey, too). I've gotten the impression that Jennifer is a little bit on the jealous side, which is fine with me as long as the jealously doesn't get controlling, but it makes me more aware of things. Like the fact that on my dresser I have a pile of papers with women's phone numbers on them. They happen to belong to my coworkers who are exceedingly straight, but you know, if you're looking through jealous eyes, I come out looking like PimpDaddy Alena.

In any case, because I've had my last post in mind, as well, I sort of realized that I just don't like guys very much. I mean, as a species, I could totally live without them. Sorry guys! Like if you wanted to ship me off to an island full of women, I would be ecstatic. I mean, I swear I wish I was an Amazon.. I would love to live like that. Well, minus the cutting off of breasts.

I adore my closer male friends, like Alex, in whose company I felt very comfortable in and easy, but when I say 'close', it's kind of relative. I don't generally get very close to guys, mostly because I can't find that deep connection with them. So most men and male acquaintances in my life are tolerated, and little more than that. I know that makes me look awful, but I do care about all my friends, including the male ones. It's just that I probably would be closer to them if they were female. Plus they burp and fart and do gross things. I never have understood what women see in men. ;)

And in thinking, I realized that no woman I date should ever even consider the thought that I would leave her for a man. Because that just would never happen. I don't want a relationship with a guy, period. And I'm less and less interested in sleeping with them as I get older.

Oh, and I've decided the right term for me is Bisexual-Male Lesbian.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004


I was talking to Kit last night about The L Word and the whole 'lesbian-identified male' thing came up. She wanted to know what that was, so while she was on the phone, I did a little online research.

Personally, as someone who grew up in CA, I was already assuming the term had been made up by the writers of the show to poke fun at the overly tolerant California mentality.. like, in most of CA, you're pretty free to be whatever or whoever you want, and if there's no term for it, well, just make one up and run with it. I tried to explain this to Kit because I think it's difficult for someone who hasn't spent a significant time in CA to understand just how quirky and bizarre things can be in the state. And the fact that Californians generally are aware of how silly some things get, so we often poke fun at ourselves.. this is why I was expecting 'lesbian-identified male' to be one of those kinds of jokes.

Well, much to my surprise, I did find a source that uses the term. It appears to be an exerpt from a book called Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin.

What is a lesbian-identified male?

Specifically, a "male lesbian" is a heterosexual man who wishes
that he had been born a woman, but who (even if he had been a woman)
could only make love to another woman and never to a man. Unlike
the transsexual, the "male lesbian" does not feel himself to be "a woman
trapped inside the body of a man". Moreover, none of the love-shy men
studied for this research entertained any wishes or fantasies of any kind
pertinent to the idea of obtaining a sex change operation. All wanted to
keep their male genitalia; all wanted to remain as males. However, all
deeply envied the perogatives of the female gender and truly believed
that these perogatives fitted their own inborn temperaments far more
harmoniously than the pattern of behavioral expectations to which males
are required to adhere...

...Male lesbians differ from both transsexuals and homosexuals in that
they cannot conceive of themselves making love to a man. For example,
after sex change surgery the male transsexual almost always wants to
begin making love to a man AS A WOMAN. The male homosexual wants
to make love AS A MAN to a man. The male lesbian, on the other hand,
wishes that he had been born a woman. But he always makes it clear
that if he indeed had been born a woman he would be a full-fledged
lesbian. In other words, he would want to socialize exclusively with
women and he would choose female partners exclusively for love-mak-
ing and for sexmaking activity. In short, a secret fantasy of many love-
shy men is to be a beautiful woman who lives with and makes love with
another beautiful woman....

So there we have it. On one hand, it kind of makes sense to me. Recently, I've had more than a couple of guys joke around with me that they're lesbians, and the thought occurred to me: No, you're a hetero male. Yes, you like women, but mentally you are nothing like a lesbian.

So male lesbians? Are there female gay men???

I also was reading a lot of the stuff on (be careful, it's addictive), and came across this article, entitled Karen Walker and the Bisexual Straight Woman. I was a little intrigued, particularly since I learned about the Kinsey scale of sexuality in Sociology yesterday. I mean, I've always recognized that most people are not only one category or another; my personal sexual philosophy is very close to Shane's on The L Word. Her speech about sexuality being fluid? Yeah, that's my speech, too.

The Kinsey scale is numbered from 1-6, with 1 being exclusively heterosexual, 6 being exclusively homosexual. Now, the scale assigns 1 and 6 to those who are completely unable to find beauty in the same sex (1), and in the opposite sex (6). This means, if you're a lesbian and you look at men, you never, ever are able to honestly see how he might be cute or attractive -- not necessarily want to sleep with, just a basis of judging the beauty of another person.

Kinsey said that only 10% of the population falls into 1, and 10% falls into 6. That means 80% of us fall somewhere between 2 and 5. This interests me because I'm not what you might call your average lesbian. I occasionally (about once every few years) engage in activities that cause people to joyfully slap the 'bisexual' label all over me, but I honestly do not identify as a bisexual. It's not even so much the stigma of bisexuality, because if that's what I felt I was, I would identify that way regardless.

It's simply that I'm kind of like Karen Walker, only I'm on the homo end of things. I'm more opportunistically bi. I do NOT go searching for guys to boink. Never. Only every once in a while I'll be in a really serious drought, and the opportunity might come up. And I'm a Scorpio, which means I'm highly sexual, and if I haven't been touched for a couple years or whatever, I might go for it.

I could never see myself dating a man. I can't see myself pursuing men. In fact, I find men tremendously boring and gross, and I am not even really that attracted to them. It's just the sex thing.. cause I'm like a guy in that regard -- if I had a penis, I would think with it more than I should. And once I sleep with a guy, I'm really done with him. As in, it ain't ever gonna happen again, don't want you to hang around, drop-kick to the curb, bye.

People just don't understand this, and so it's something I basically keep to myself. I'm well aware of the stigma against bisexuals, because I've been guilty of it myself. And yeah, the sociopath ex went back and forth between me and this other guy, and it killed me.

But the Kinsey scale is much more my idea of what sexuality is. You can't pigeon-hole people, and you can't force them to live in limited little boxes. If you want to call me bi even though I really dislike men in general, go ahead, but it's not correct. Tristan Taormino understands, she's the same way. I don't think I'm bi because men do very little for me, and I know that if ever I were in a relationship with a guy (which is about as likely to happen as hell freezing over), I would, the entire time, be longing to be with a woman. So on the scale, I'd say I'm probably a 4.5-5.

So.. the Bisexual Straight Woman. The definition fits me pretty well, if you change the wording a little to reflect my orientation. Bisexual Lesbian Woman? Maybe.

Monday, February 16, 2004

If You Hate Spam...

You might want to check out SPAMfighter, a gem of a program for Outlook and Outlook Express that works remarkably well for the free price tag.

Stab, Murder, Kill, Maim

I think the honeymoon is over because I am having the hardest time dealing with my job lately. I wasn't sure whether I'd officially hate it at some point, or whether I could continue on grinning and bearing it. I just personally am so fed up of these fucking asshole people I have to wait on every day.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I expected a good, busy night, hopefully full of people trying to impress their dates. What I got was six hours of pure, unadulterated, wall-to-wall madness. We were on a three hour wait. And people were actually waiting!! None of us could understand it, because obviously the people weren't happy waiting, and it reflected in their attitudes toward us while serving them.

So the tables were rude and demanding, for the most part. And pissed because they had to wait so long, but I really wanted to ask these people, "Who forced you to wait two hours, anyway? And why the hell are you taking it out on me?"

I had a lady flip out because we ran out of lasagna and she huffily told me she didn't want anything else. The check ended up getting comped, and the sons of bitches totally stiffed me. Actually, that was about midpoint into the shift and I'd already just given up and resigned myself to the chaos. I'd had to deal with the lady's totally bitchy attitude toward me during the entire meal, and then got nothing out of it but the strong urge to follow them out to the parking lot and scream at the top of my lungs, "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!"

I sated this desire by screaming it in the kitchen.

Beyond that, it was hot as hell in the restaurant because of the eight billion people up front, we ran out of the more popular menu items randomly and continually... It was hell. Unbelievable hell, and after all of that, I didn't even make 15%... walked out with $60.

Happy Valentines Day, indeed.

I begged the opening host to not put me and Alissa in the same room, so thankfully she and I both got a change of roommates for once. I was lucky enough to also get a change of rooms, but Alissa was stuck in Chianti again. However, I was evilly and sordidly amused by Alissa breaking down and crying out of frustration because of a big party she had at the family table. I found it incredibly hard to sympathize because she was such a bitch to me last week when the situation was reversed. So while she was freaking out, I just kind of glided by and went Ha ha.. in my head.

Frankly, I did very well in the attitude department last night, especially given the bullshit and stress I had to put up with. And I didn't freak out once, so I'm very proud of that. I pretty much just tried to be in a decent mood all night because I knew things would be so much worse if I let myself be dragged down.

And today wasn't much better, since, you know, we were still out of some pretty popular stuff. That and the fact that about a third of the staff called off. When we opened, we had no bussers, no salad maker, and only two hosts. Plus I think at least one server called off.

It was interesting, anyway. I decided that I would attack the day at a leisurely pace and tried to take everything in stride. I took my time with my tables, for one. Mostly I had nice and understanding people, which always helps on any Sunday day shift. I did get inexplicably stiffed by one table, but it was made up by an extremely generous $18 tip on my last table. That table was so awesome, by the way.. it's the kind of table that can completely turn a shift around. They were patient, understanding, friendly, and they took everything in stride, too, so we were joking easily about everything.

All I know is that when my relief finally arrived, I fled the restaurant and didn't look back. And then I had a lurvely nap.

Because I got talked into going out to Utopia last night after work. Mikey told me to just come after work, in my uniform, have a drink, and relax. My drag king streak thought it might be amusing to go to the gay bar in my men's work shirt and tie, so I thought what the hell. I definitely needed at least one drink by the end of the night. I'd earned it!

I went to the bar and Mikey was nowhere to be seen. However, Marla was, and thank god I spotted Dan, because I quickly got a drink and went over to his table, pretending I hadn't noticed Marla at the bar. After all, we hadn't made eye contact, so I could say that I hadn't seen her. And I don't even know why I was avoiding her, but I just really couldn't think of anything to say and didn't feel like getting sucked into an awful conversation with her.

I sat with Dan and this sickeningly-sweet gayboy couple, one of whom was having his 21st birthday. Mikey eventually arrived, and Marla walked past me like three times and totally acted like she didn't see me. Ah well, I guess that's one less thing I have to deal with?

And then I was walking to the bar, not even paying attention to anything, and all of a sudden, Jennifer is right next to me asking me if I wasn't going to say hi to her. Now, Jennifer is the woman I asked to come home with me a few weekends ago, and we should all remember that she turned me down.

The deal is that she was seeing Kit for a bit, while I was in Italy. I guess Jennifer really liked Kit, but Kit wasn't feeling it and lost interest, and last I heard is actually seeing someone else. Jennifer and Kit had gone out to the bar together, so I suppose that's part of the reason Jennifer turned me down. Also, I do feel like her flirting with me blatantly in front of Kit like that was supposed to have the effect of making Kit jealous.

I honestly didn't think Kit was interested, so I figured Jennifer was fair game. A bit tasteless of me, maybe, but what can I say? Jennifer is cute, interesting, deep, and she definitely intrigues me. Plus there's just something about her, some sort of chemistry or connection, that makes me want to figure out what it's all about.

So when Jennifer came up to me last night, I struck up a conversation with her, and I asked her to go out with me. And she said yes. We danced, then chatted a little. Exchanged the digits. Set a date for the date.

I'm actually really excited. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure yet what it is, but I'm drawn to her. She's not exactly what normally would be my type.. actually she's finishing school to become a trucker. But before you have this image of a big, scary tobacco-chewin' bulldyke, she's actually about where I am as far as straddling the girl-boy line. She's got long-ish hair, a really cute smile, and she's somewhat tomboyish.

The only thing is that I sense she likes to play games. This in itself is not a problem for me, because if you have the right 'opponent', games can be kind of fun. I'm not talking about harmful, mind-fucking games, because I have had my lifetime fill of that and as soon as I get a hint of it, I'm gone. I'm talking more of kind of teasing games, little harmless things.

At least so far, it seems harmless. And it's strange, but it's part of the allure. It's kind of like I'm playing chess with her, and we both know it. And I think we both know that we'll probably really hit it off and at least end up in the sack together, if nothing else.

I'm just a little worried the harmless games will turn more malicious, because that would be really disappointing. Because I do really like her, and I want to see how it goes.

And I feel like I should say something to Kit about it so she doesn't hear it somewhere else, but I'm kind of afraid to, lest she be pissed at me for like moving in on her territory or something. But then again, when Kit is done with something, she tends to be really done, so she may not even care at all.

Friday. Dinner. w00t.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Freaky Friday

I love Friday the 13th. 13 is a magick number, so I always expect good and unusual things to happen when the day rolls around. I did have a pretty good day today, and the unusual thing that happened was my last table at work. It was a married couple in their late-thirties-early-forties, and I ended up getting into this really deep conversation about all sorts of stuff, including theology.

They were incredibly nice, non-judgemental people, and we had a great talk. I'm amused about it, however, because they were incredibly conservative Christians. When they discovered I'm very liberal, the woman vowed she would convert me. I just kept shaking my head and smiling; and trying to make her realize that no amount of persuading would work.

I don't think they'd ever met a Witch before, so that was kind of amusing, too, getting to explain my various views and beliefs. I was very surprised and impressed at their tolerance of my views. Not that I think all Christians are preachy, but around here, the majority of them are.

I blatantly failed to correct them when they used the word 'he' in reference to what I'd ambiguously called 'a relationship' -- I figured I probably was pushing the envelope already at being a liberal Democrat Witch. After a winding conversation on many topics we ended up talking about God and the afterlife, and we swapped book recommendations.

They seemed to be as pleased with the interaction as I was, and said they would request me the next time they came in. They even asked when I worked. I think it's really cool. With all the ignoramuses around here, it's so refreshing and nice to be able to hold an intellectual conversation with my customers. And hell yeah, I would love to wait on them again.

So happy Friday the 13th, everyone!

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Dr. Phil's Test

If you take the test, please comment with your score!

My friend Robin sent this to me in an email, coincidentally after I mentioned my am-I-annoying paranoia to her. I did talk to Kit about it, too, and she made me feel better about it, but I think it's been agreed upon that I'm narcissistic. Okay, I'm dealing with it. But anyway, interesting test.

The test is listed as a probable hoax on, but whatever. It's still fun to take.

I scored a 45.

Try this. Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55. He did this test on Oprah -- she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting!

Don't be overly sensitive!

The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.
The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box.
Please do the same before forwarding to your friends.
Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past.
Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.

It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.

Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon & early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted you.....

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to are...

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box.

Sleep? What Is That?

I have royally screwed up my sleep schedule, what with staying up past dawn downloading The L Word. I really did try to go to bed at a decent hour last night so I'd be well-rested for school today, but my past week of sleeping in wouldn't allow it. I had maybe five hours of sleep last night, and that is less than half my recommended daily allowance. I would love nothing more than to crawl in bed right now.

But this madness has to end somewhere, so I am valiantly attempting to stay awake all the way through the day, ending with math class from 7-9pm. Algebra, five hours of sleep.. we'll see how that goes. I reckon I'll be half-asleep in class, but she'll be doing review, so I'll just get my homework done. Oh, and that's my latest thing. Since she spends half the class going over any issues we had on the homework, if I don't have something to occupy me, the class drags. Cause, like, I get it. And there's this really annoying guy in the class that is just straight up dumb, but runs his mouth all the time.

So if I do my homework during that time, I can tune everything else out. And it's kinda fun.

Anyhow, I've been kind of pondering Sociology as a career option. I do keep coming back to the Forestry thing, but Sociology intrigues me because it's not something I ever even remotely considered, but I find it very interesting. Back when I was thinking I would be a biologist and trying to narrow down the field, I knew I wanted to do research. I'm all about experiments and figuring things out, and of course, as we all know, I have about a billion theories in my head just dying to be tested.

Before I settled on Forestry, I really had no clue what I wanted to do. There are all sorts of things that interest me, and all sorts of things I want to learn, but I couldn't settle on anything that I'd want to do for the rest of my life. So I changed majors a lot, tried a bunch of things, then got really into music and theater for a while and pretty much dropped the whole pretense of going to college to study a major.

I played with the idea of being a research psychiatrist, because I met one and not only was she fascinating, the kinds of things she was researching were things I would have liked to have known the results on. Plus, you know, I have always wanted to be a doctor. ;) But, like.. even though I'm really good with figuring people out and stuff, I never really wanted to be a clinical psychiatrist or psychologist, because I just couldn't deal with listening to everyone's problems day in and day out.

I took psych last semester, and I thought it was pretty interesting. But the class kind of made me realize that no, I don't want to be a psychiatrist or psychologist. I like to read about the stuff, but I don't see myself as doing anything more. But sociology! Sociology I could really dig my teeth into.

I can't exactly see myself as a sociologist, because frankly the field is so broad and has so many applications. So it's kind of tough to try to envision what I'd be doing when I don't know enough about the science to know what there is. That's another thing. I love that it's a science. I know it seems kind of dumb, because I don't know what I thought it was, but I certainly didn't take it seriously enough to want to take any sociology classes.

But like.. while we are covering things we covered in psych, there are different aspects that weren't discussed. And, incidentally, the kinds of things I'm interested in. Certain behaviors, maladjustments, etc. and their practical applications. Why it happens. The effect of it happening. How people react and treat each other, different case studies of different sociological issues. Stuff like that.

I learned something kind of crazy to day, but I think it's cool. We're covering human development, and of course Freud came up, and we talked about his theory of the various psychosexual stages. Then a theory on how morality develops. we moved onto to sex/gender, both physiological and identified.

Take a minute and think about this question -- How many sexes are there? Two, right? That's the general belief, when you think gender, you think in terms of there being two sexes, male and female. But did you know that there are FIVE sexes? Yeah, five!

Consider this your little sociology lesson for today. I'll list them:

* Female (physically/genetically true female)
* Male (physically/genetically true male)
* Herm (hermaphrodite, full male and female genitals)
* Ferm (XX -- nominally female -- genetic karyotype)
* Merm (XY -- nominally male -- genetic karyotype)

There you have it, the five sexes. Apparently the rate of occurrance of intersexuals (the last three on the list) is about the same as redheadedness. Interesting, eh? You might even know one and not even be aware of it, since the Ferms and Merms often look very much like their genetic sex.

So anyhoo. My coffee is downed, the clock is ticking, so I should shed the PJs and head back to school. Later!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

The L Word = Crack

Okay, so yeah. Hi.. my name is Alena and I'm hopelessly addicted to The L Word.

When I saw the previews for this show, I knew that I would love it. The problem is, I don't have TV. Nor can I afford to pay elleventy hundred dollars for enough cable to get the one damn show I care about watching. It's been a conundrum. I must watch The L Word, but... how?

I had a fantastic dinner with Kit and we pretty much made up, I think. We'll see how it all unfolds. As we were leaving, she mentioned wanting to get home in time for The L Word and I was so beyond jealous that she was getting to watch it. Then we discussed the show a little while, and by the time I got home, I was absolutely dying to watch it.

I knew it was just a few episodes into the season, but being the evil media pirate that I am, I figured I might as well check Kazaa for it. You know, on the off-chance.

And OMG, there were the episodes! I whetted my appetite on the first part of the first episode while I waited for the full episode to finish. I just kept watching clips or parts, and re-watching.

I'm hooked like crack, I'm telling you.

I hopped on BT and got the remaining three episodes. Yeah, I fucking love the show. I mean, it's about damn time we lesbians have our own decent programming. I just cannot deal with Queer As Folk. I hate that show. But The L Word is really well done, and their writers are great. I mean, it certainly depicts the eccentricity and tolerance of L.A. very closely to what it's like, and I have identified with all the characters at one time or another. So I guess they got the whole lesbian experience thing right, showing that it's both as normal and as fucked up as any other sexual orientation.

And can someone explain to me WTF a 'lesbian-identified male' is? I died when I heard that; it's so uniquely Californian.

So yeah, I totally have the hots for Dana and Marina. TOTALLY. I was all about Marina at first, because she's tall, sexy, and intense. And that accent... mmmm. Someone I was talking to described her as cold, but I would bet money that she's a Scorpio. She's not cold. There's definitely something simmering underneath that controlled veneer. She's both mysterious and a bit intimidating with her powerful presence. And check out that soul-penetrating gaze she has. That's all Scorpio, baby.

I was thinking I kind of identified with Dana, because she and I are kind of geeky and insecure on the inside but try to cover it up with this blase kind of smokescreen. A lot of her expressions crack me up because I make them, too. And we're both complete chickenshits when it comes to girls and rely on a lot of help from friends to get that rare date. "Oh my god, Dana has a date!" Yeah. But then during the fourth episode, you get to see her hook up with a great girl, and she shows this kind of dorky, cute side that hasn't been shown before. And I don't know what it is about that dorkiness that does it for me, but like, I think the second time I watched the fourth episode, I kinda fell in love with Dana. She is just soooo goofy and sweet. And so dorky-cute.

So yeah. And the fact that these beautiful women are getting it on before my eyes, it's almost too much. There's gonna have to be some sort of 12 Step program for me here. I see this now.

Sunday, February 08, 2004


You know, the more I use Google, the more I love it. The people who work at Google obviously have a pretty decent sense of humor, and I dig that.

For example, they sometimes replace the normal Google logo with some random, funky graphic variation. Usually pretty cool or clever. And then today, cause I'm bored and killing some time, I was clicking on various tabs and things I've never looked at before, and I came across the Language Tools page.

I was pleased that Google offers translation, because I do actually use Babelfish on a semi-regular basis, and it'll be much easier now that I know I can just go to Google next time. But then I scrolled down past the translation part, to the list of languages that Google has an interface for.

Not that big of a deal, but then all of a sudden, Elmer Fudd caught my eye, so I clicked on it. It cracked me up, so I went back to find if there were any more. And to my delight, I found Hacker, Klingon, and Pig Latin.

I love it.

The Crap on My Mind

[I am from the future. No, really, I am. It’s like several hours later than you, where I’m from. I am warning you that this post is LONG LONG LONG. It may not have an end. If you begin to read this, you may be sucked into a long, hollow tunnel of despair from which there is no egress. Think of the longest object you know. This post is longer than that.]

I have dinner with Kit tomorrow. We’re supposed to have a Talk and I’ve been kind of dreading it since we made the plans. The thing is, I just sort of got fed up with the whole thing before I left for Italy. Ever since I moved out, I have bent over backwards trying to prove to Kit that I want to be friends with her for her, not for what she can do for me.

The problem is that I owe her a massive amount of money. I am ashamed to admit it. Truthfully, I never intended to use her or take advantage of her. It just kind of happened, and then went on for too long. I was a little stunned to hear how much I owed her, because while I knew it was a lot, I didn’t think it was THAT much. I felt so sorry. I felt like a sponge, a bitch, and a total user. And I don’t think I’m like that. I’m actually pretty giving and I enjoy doing things for others because I enjoy seeing other people happy.

I don’t think we ever came to any sort of definite conclusion about the debt, and I felt like it was left kind of ambiguously. I do intend on paying her back, but didn’t figure I could really tackle it until I was out of school and with a real job. So because money is not something I have a surplus of currently, I have been trying to give her what I do have – myself. I’ve tried to repay some of that debt by offering to do things for her, making dinner because she doesn’t cook, hanging out, whatever.

And I want to do these things for her. If she’d let me.. but she never did take me up on the offer of dinner and she never seems to want to do anything with me. I would probably lick her shoes if she asked me to, I’m so eager for her to see what I’ve been trying to show her for months. That I love her, HER.. her amazing charm, wit, knowledge, personality. Not just her stability and generosity. That she matters to me, that she’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.

I’ve tried. I really have. But like.. she hasn’t wanted to see it. No matter what I did or said, the number of serious talks we had, she just kept up this wall. She has this group of friends that’s she’s had since the beginning of time and one of them never liked me, so I’m sure she’s been hearing some anti-Alena stuff from her. And frankly, I guess I don’t blame her. I look like a complete fucking ass.

I introduced Kit and Mikey and they were inseparable for a while. He’d tell me she called him or they went out to lunch or whatever, and I would just stare at him in stupefaction. She never, ever called me. If I wanted to see her, I had to be the one calling. Then when we all were out together, I would watch her with the people we were introducing her to, and she was her old gregarious self. It was dawning on me that she treated strangers more warmly than me, so obviously I wasn’t imagining things.

I’ll bang my head up against a wall for a while, but eventually I just come to a certain point where it becomes frustrating, and I give up. So sometime before I went on vacation, I’d basically tossed in the towel. I figured if she wanted to talk to me or see me, she could call me. I knew she wouldn’t.

And she didn’t. I didn’t talk to her for two weeks before I left, and didn’t talk to her when I got back. I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell her I was leaving, but I was kind of over it and didn’t feel like informing her.

And then over the holidays, I just kind of came to peace with everything. I figured the friendship was really over and that I should get over it already. And since I was already kind of frustrated and tired of bruising my head, I finally didn’t find it that difficult to let go of Kit.

This is the kicker. It is so tremendously difficult for me to let go, in general. Much less someone important to me, someone I love and admire. When I finally let someone into the Inner Sanctum of Me, I have found that I will go through hell or high water, often extending quite a bit to make up for the lack of enthusiasm on the part of whomever. I know this isn’t healthy and I know I waste a lot of energy. But I’m loyal and damn it, the people important to me are important.

I have hung on to my friendship with Kit even though it has been really unfun because Kit is important to me. Also because I feel like a tool and I feel that I owe her to make it up to her, however I can. So to let go of her was a really huge step for me. Because when I disengage, it’s a big deal.

Mikey dragged me out the weekend after my return from Italy. I was in the mindset of not wanting to talk to Kit, and damn, there she was in the bar. Fuck. So I was weird with her, because I was over it, but then I was surprised because she was really nice to me. It threw me off. I guess I’d been expecting that same detached manner, but she was all normal and friendly with me again. So I started to wonder if maybe things weren’t fixable, after all.

Then I had the good chat with Mikey where he suggested a practical solution. Fast-forward to now. I’m hoping to apply it tomorrow evening.

Actually, I’m really glad I wrote this all out because instead of dreading it like I have been, I feel really good. I have a plan of attack, and I think she might understand it this time. If it doesn’t work out on the friendship level after this, then I can, with good conscience, be able to say I gave everything I could. And let go cleanly.

On a completely different note, but also on my mind lately, is that I’ve developed a paranoia about whether I really am as irritating and annoying as I think I am. Part of this stems from an observation on my personality, which is that no matter how much I hate it about myself and want so very much to change, I am my favorite topic of conversation.

It’s true. In everyday conversation, just about everything I say references me or my experiences in one way or another. I see this about myself and I have no idea how to change it. I try to avoid statements that involve me and I swear to god, it’s practically impossible. I HATE THIS!!! How the hell do I get out of this habit? Heh, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped that Interpersonal Communication class after all, because I sure as hell need to learn how to converse with other people!

It’s not that I can’t have conversations with people, because I can look back at good conversations with people I really click with, where it’s an exchange of information and it’s not all about me. So I know I can do it. I just cannot figure out why, when I’m having random conversations with people, I have to talk about myself so damned much.

I mean, I can easily converse with people who possess an equal or greater knowledge in something(s) than I, whatever it is we’re talking about. It also helps if I’m comfortable with the person, so that the silences don’t feel awkward and I don’t feel pressured to come up with something to talk about. Cause if I can take my time, I can think of good things to talk about.

And like I said, you know, I totally observe my behavior and I do try to stop it. And then what usually happens is an uncomfortable silence while I wrack my brain for something, anything to say. Feeling like an ass because I can’t come up with anything, and hating that my only choice is to make some stupid reference to myself. I mean, sometimes I quickly think of something unrelated to me to comment on, but it’s a struggle.

I feel terrible writing this because I absolutely hate it about myself. Hate, hate, hate. Like, if I knew of a support group for people to talk way too much about themselves, I would SO be in it tomorrow. I’d probably camp outside, just to be the first in. I don’t even think I’m a bad person, I just have this massive personality flaw I want to fix.

I don’t know what to do. I recently have noticed a lot of people who don’t talk to me as much as they used to and the paranoid part of me attributes that to them being tired of listening to me. Like someone I used to consider a friend kind of dismissed me the other night when I said hi and wanted to chat. I was like, Wow, okay… and you know, my fragile ego took a big hit.

So I’m walking around these days and every time I open my mouth, I have this soundtrack running in the back of my head going, “Youaresoannoyingyouareannoyingyou’reannoyingggggggggggggg…”

Ugh. It’s hard. I don’t know what to do. So you know, if anyone has any suggestions, my email address is somewhere at the top of the page and I honestly, truly would love to hear them. And because this is an honest plea for advice, I would like to point out that it would be REALLY bad karma if you were to use this opportunity for self-betterment to flame me.

Besides, I beat myself up enough for all of the world combined.

On the flip side, I would also like to say that I still retain some shreds of self-esteem. I know that overall I’m not a bad person, I just have to work on this problem right now, which is why it’s finally being called to my attention. I am trying hard, but I feel pretty roadbloacked. I think I’ve just been doing what I can to curb it while waiting for some sort of sign or catalyst for change. But instead of a catalyst, it’s just all coming more and more to a head with me feeling rather clueless about the whole thing. Kit mentioned it. I now understand past comments people have made. Mikey pointed out that I am exactly a female version of him, and it irritated me a little because it’s true.. he is all about Mikey, and I am all about Alena.


I say irritated, but only mildly, because he is Mikey, my gay boy, and I love him with all my heart. So he gets away with a lot of shit by me. And I accept him for who he is, even if the two of us sure make a self-centered pair. I’m not sure how two people who are so narcissistic can get along and adore each other as Mikey and I do, but I am not going to question it.

I know this is getting so tremendously long, and if you’re still with me, OMG, I <3 you, cause you are brave. But I just have to keep spewing, so you have my apologies now.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was totally meant to cross paths with Mikey, because he has truly been a godsend, and I think we connect in that deep, soul-connection kinda way. He’s been a big catalyst for me as far as my looks and self-esteem. I’m like lightyears beyond who I was even five years ago. I don’t know if you’d told me back then I’d be free that I’d have believed it.

So I dunno. Maybe my sudden ‘coming out’ under Mikey’s guidance has gotten me a little maladjusted. I mean, I was like 215+ pounds 2+ years ago. I’m something like 160 now. In between, living with Kit, I gained 15 pounds, then lost it when I moved out. So I count the 55 pound difference, plus the 15 pounds I lost a second time.

Total of 70 pounds.

Yeah, man! 70 fucking pounds! I lost like an 8-year-old kid! I’m so damn proud, I want the whole world to know! Even if I didn’t really do anything. Not consciously, anyway. And somehow, without much thought, managed to do something years of therapy couldn’t; cure myself of my bizarre and intense relationship with food. When I told Mikey my story, and I got to the part where I said that after being sick one summer, I basically just didn’t really care about food anymore. I ate when I was hungry, and my appetite was small. Mikey quipped, “So you were just like, I ate-and-ate-and-ate-and-ate-and-ate-and-ate and now I’m done.” And, in a way, yeah. I guess.

The cause of that sickness that summer is not really a pretty part of my life. I was finally getting away from a two year stint in an extraordinarily fucked up relationship with a woman I now refer to as my psycho ex, and you know, I don't say it as a joke. There were copious and extreme amounts of mindfucking and manipulation and I was just so hungry to be loved that I just rolled over onto my back and let her have her way with me. That relationship fucked me the hell up. I mean, so much so that that deserves to be said again. The relationship fucked me THE HELL up.

Speaking of one of those rare times when I can be pushed over the edge (see topic in paragraphs below), the psycho ex and our roommate (and her fuckbuddy) can claim the fame of pushing me farther than I have ever gone before. Cause I’d just been fucked with WAY too long to sit by and take it any longer. And I’m more one for subversive revenge, because the devious streak in me enjoys setting the trap and watching it snap on its victim. So they never knew. But I did. Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I feel like a fucking warrior, like when I joke and call myself Xena or Warrior Princess, you think I’m joking? Ha ha! Nobody when they see me know can even see this, the tiger I have hidden inside. They just see me now, the sometimes weird/goofy/obnoxious/annoying side effect of dealing with adjusting and tweaking and getting used to things as a result of living in a very different body. They see the ‘thin’ me, and that in one sense makes me right and normal. And now that I’ve had my makeover and look girly, I’m safe to flirt with. Before, when I was all me-with-no-help, the guys never flirted with me. Whatever. Just as long as they know they have no chance. Heh.

So yeah.. as my waistline diminishes, all that excess shit now goes to pad my new-found narcissism. Yeah, I definitely would never have described myself as that before. But I think I am now. Aaaargh. Make it stop!!

What really fueled my paranoia was tonight at work with my roommate, Alissa. Normally, I think Alissa get along very well.. we joke around and stuff and help each other out when needed. It’s usually a good partnership, and I usually enjoy working in a room with her. Well, she and I have been scheduled at the same time on Saturday night for at least a month and it’s come to be Saturday night means in Chianti with Alissa.

Now, when you’re with a certain person alone in a room with them repeatedly for weeks on end, you get to see them in a wide range of moods. Or maybe other people get to see me in a wide range of moods. Cause sometimes I’m all perky and energetic and fun, and other times I’m a bitter bitch from hell and then I alternate between being self-conscious about being too bitchy and whether people hate me, and blah blah, and being so bitter I hate the world and don’t care.

I was a fucking MESS last Saturday because god damn it, I get swamped with the family table and two other tables. My previous cheery veneer with Alissa was just not a priority as far as energy expenditure, and I probably was freaking out a little for a while. I know I’m freaky when I freak out. It's not a pretty sight. All people can do is just stay out of my way cause I’m in a totally different zone.

So yeah. The new section shit really sucks, because in the two-person room, we each get two tables and are supposed to split the family table. This is a really stupid idea for various reasons, but it basically screws me up all night. We’re supposed to split it, but usually the idea of that is ridiculous.. especially for something like the smaller groups they sometimes sit there when they have no other tables. So what we end up doing is alternating who takes the table because sharing a party of eight is kind of stupid.

But then what happens is they’ll sit a 16. Or one or all of your tables are high-maintenance. Or your one table that should have been fine for at least 10 more minutes so you can get the drinks out suddenly are done and want to cash out. It’s usually a serious joke of timing. You know, if it can be the worst time for events to occur, of course they will.

But going from two to two and a party just totally throws me off. Cause I go from being fairly cool with two tables and in a certain rhythm, and then when it’s my turn to take the family table, I suddenly have to get into this different groove of juggling the new things. So last Saturday, I was having a rough time, both with crappy customers/tips and not being able to get into any steady rhythm and basically feeling behind and rushed most of the time. Overall it sucked ass and both of us were totally stressed out, bitter, and miserable the entire time.

I mean, I know it sucked, but it was a bad night. At least so I thought, and just kind of buried it away with all the other shitty nights. So I thought nothing of it when I came to work again at 5 on Saturday to be in Chianti with Alissa.

I was kind of sick of being in that room because the sections suck and I wanted to be in a bigger room for a change, maybe with some different roommates. I mean, I like Alissa, but when you’re roommates with someone, especially constantly, what kind of night you’re going to have is based in good part on who you’re sharing a room with. Someone who annoys you, or who is lazy, or slow, or whatever.. that shit will drag your entire flow down and it can ruin a night, especially if the tips suck or the people are even more fuckwitty than usual, on top of it.

Alissa and I usually joked about always being roommates in that room every Saturday, and I didn’t think much of it. Well, last weekend was really fucking stressful, and when Alissa came in today, she came up to me and said she didn’t want any of that stressful drama shit from last week. I was like, okay, I don’t want that shit, either. Cool.

Well, I had a party of ten forced on me the moment I clocked on, and I had to take it by myself because Alissa was caught behind a car wreck caused by the snow and running late. I was like, okay, if I have to.. but told Angie very explicitly, If you seat me this party, do not seat me for at least ten minutes, fifteen would be better. She looked me in the eye and nodded, and then less than five minutes after seating the party of ten, the hosts lead me another table of four. I was in disbelief and was totally swamped and another server thankfully bore the burden of greeting them and getting them started with salad and bread, because there was no way I could have even gone over to that table. I had no chance.

And then on top of it, like two minutes later, they sat my third table!! At this point, I was so beyond totally swamped, totally overwhelmed, that I had a vision of throwing down my tray and walking out the front door. I just wanted to flee. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I mean what kind of braindead motherfucker would DO that to me, and also to the poor customers? I mean, it’s like.. "Yeah, we can get you a table, but we can’t guarantee you’ll ever see your server.”

You just don’t do that to us and to the customers. It’s messed up. And when they sat that third table, I was pushed so totally over the edge, everyone suddenly realized it was major alarm mode and they jumped in to offer to help. I went to Steve to tell him what happened and I was practically hysterical. I told him that someone needed to get that table, like RIGHT NOW, and I couldn’t be the one to do it. He thought that the hosts doing that to me was really fucked up, like that I shouldn’t be doing a party of ten by myself to begin with. I mean, my rommate blew me off when I went to talk to her. So I was totally doing it alone. And the fact that they sat two other tables right after kinda stumped him, too. But he found someone to take care of the table, and I was off again.

And I don’t really remember what happened after, other than the party of 10 was beyond infuriating in just about every way possible. You should have seen my pad, with all their various desires, modifications, and specifications covering the whole damn thing. And you know what, I worked really damn hard to fulfill their various whims and got every single thing right. The party was big enough to grat, sure, but I sometimes just want to bitchsmack cheap people who thwart the whole grat thing by keeping food/beverage costs low.

So yeah, the bill averaged to about $8 a person, before the grat. That’s fucking cheap, for a dinner out for ten people at a restaurant? My god. So the grat was only $14. And someone at the table kindly pointed out to the others that the tip was included, and they oohed and aahed and discussed that for a bit. I knew I was fucked.

Yeah, I got $16 and man, I worked for twice that, for sure. After that, I was stuck with the family table, which meant that I ran one four-person table and the 10-12 person table all night. Alissa was being really bitchy to me and at one point like totally dissed me to my face and was like, I told you I didn’t want any of this drama bullshit, so don’t come talk to me…

I was so in the weeds I didn’t even have time to process this. I was just like, Gah! Bitch! Fuck off! Gah! Breadsticks! Salad! Coke!

I couldn’t tell if her comments were joking or serious. I got the serious vibe, so it kind of bothered me. I mean, I like Alissa. We’ve always gotten along. So I think, anyway. I dunno, now I’m kind of wondering if she has always been annoyed by me and being my roommate constantly is just driving her nuts.

I just told her, You know, since I annoy you so much, I will just stop annoying you and stop talking to you.

And she said okay.

Don’t know if that’s a joke, but whatever. I don’t want anyone to have to be subjected to me any more than absolutely necessary if they don’t like me or find me annoying or whatever. But now that I’m all paranoid, I see it everywhere. They find me annoying. She finds me annoying. She doesn’t like talking to me. This has meaning, that has meaning. Whatever whatever.

I don’t really feel depressed or anything, but I know this current obsession of mine might make you wonder. I mean, since I’m feeling shit about myself currently. But it’s not like that. It’s more constructive than depression. If I was depressed, I wouldn’t be looking to fix the problem. And I really do want to fix it.


Seriously. I should pray for guidance, cause that is totally what I need right now!

And yeah, I’m not depressed. I mean, I’m able to see all my other redeeming qualities, should, you know, anyone be interested enough to see beyond the dumb upfront bullshit that I always screw up.

We all know I’m loyal. I really am. If you’re in my Inner Sanctum of Me, you are sacred, and homey [insert chest-thump], you got what I can give you. Which might not be much, but I’ll try to make sure we have fun along the way. And really, I grow on you after a while!

I am really, really, really, really fucking honest. Like you have no idea. I have this set of morals made of reinforced steel, and I can’t do things I know are intentionally wrong. I just cannot do them. The only exception is if someone pushes me over the edge. It’s a good thing my edge is actually pretty difficult to get to. But every once in a while, I get pushed to a point where I do things I might otherwise morally object to. But instead of feeling guilty about it, I feel like I have my revenge and the debt is settled and I can be at peace with it.

I know Scorpios are famous for the revenge thing, but that for me is mostly a fantasy world of mine. Because of my moral obligations to myself, often getting revenge on someone isn’t permitted. I can think of all sorts of reasons off the top of my head why it’s bad, so generally I confine it to fantasy. This includes spitting in that fucker’s tea. Or rubbing that table’s cheese block all over the ground before bringing it out to their table and grating it.

Evil thoughts, yes. Have I ever done anything like this? No. I find it morally wrong and though I’m tempted sometimes, I have not and will not ever directly tamper with someone’s food or drink. If someone else does something and the person has been an asshole, yeah, I’d probably serve it and say nothing. And actually, I have. I feel a twinge of guilt, but morally I get away with this, at least in my mind, because to me, not mentioning something is not lying. But that owes to my own particular beliefs and feelings about honesty. And to ease your minds, most food-tampering at my OG is extremely rare because I find the crew to generally be very honest and trustworthy.

But like… I rarely ever lie. I mean, I lie about stupid shit, or to get my ass out of trouble, or whatever. But I never lie about important things. You know, big things. Or things that could be big.

If there’s anyone still reading this, you may be wondering what happens when someone asks me a question I don’t want them to know the answer to. Well, I have learned the art of evasive maneuvering. I’ll try one tack, and then another, and so on, until either it’s clear no fancy moves will work and I finally crack and tell the flat-out truth, or the storm passes and the topic moves on.

I might be the most honest damned person you ever met. I mean, I doubt anyone knows how fucking moral I am, and how much it plays a part of my life. Like.. I have this thing where I can’t say something I don’t mean. Cause that’s either lying or false flattery. And falseness sucks. I mean, every once in a while, I can throw in an ulterior-motive-compliment that I don’t mean, but I don’t like doing it. I would rather be genuine about what I say, and have there be meaning behind my words, because, paired with my actions, they're all I really have in this world.

If I tell you something, I strive for it to be the straight-from-the-heart, and honest-to-god truth as I know it. I mean I admit my knowledge can be faulty, so I might be mistaken, but generally, everything I say is shrouded in truth. When I say something, I mean it. It’s true. It’s my word.

That way, when I do compliment you on your shirt, or tell you I love your sunglasses, or that that jacket looks awesome on you, you can know I really mean it.