Thursday, January 22, 2004

Thursday Hell

Next semester, I will take care that all of my classes do not fall on one day. OMG. Thursdays are really gonna suck.

I've been kind of freaking out about my date, but part of the problem was that I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out. I'm a big emotional mess on the inside, and everything's all tangled up, which doesn't always make it easy to figure things out. So basically I obsess about stuff until I get it settled with myself. It's really unfun, but yanno.

Part of it is the age thing. I mean, 13 years isn't that terrible, and honestly, I don't have a problem with it. I figure it's not about how old someone is, it's about who they are and how they act. I realized I was stuck on it because I've had bad experiences with older women in the past. I dated two women in their early 30's, and both of them told me they didn't have a problem with my age. But it became apparent that they really did have a problem with it, made obvious in comments like, When I was your age.., I remember when I was going through that phase.., and You're so young.

I definitely appreciate the wisdom of experience, but I really dislike being patronized. Particularly by my girlfriend. If you're dating someone in their mid-20's, does it not stand to reason that they're young? I mean, it's not like they didn't know how young I was when we started going out. So anyway, I'm partly worried that this is going to be the theme again.

Then, after talking to Mikey, I kind of realized another thing that was freaking me out is that I'm not used to having someone so obviously attracted to me, and so eager to go out with me. I think part of it is that there's no challenge, nothing I have to secure or pursue. So being the emotional idiot I am, I have started off on totally the wrong foot in the email dialogue we've kept up over the week. Now, I don't know for certain that she thinks I'm a freak, but it's kind of the impression I get.

It's like those times when I get nervous and just start to babble, but I can't shut up. My brain is screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, but my mouth has a life of its own and it continues on anyway. I have very little control of my mouth, anyway, but when I babble, I know I look like an idiot. So here I was writing these emails, my brain basically screaming to shut up but I go ahead and send the letter anyway. I didn't know why I was doing it, but then I figured out today when I realized I was concerned that she wouldn't write me back that I'd basically subconsciously set myself up some drama in order to have a bit of a challenge. It coincided with me feeling considerably more at ease with the whole thing, less apprehensive over meeting her. So I think part of my problem was that things were too easy for me.

And I bitch when things are difficult. Like, Why can't things ever be easy for a change? Heh.

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