Friday, January 30, 2004

Days Go By


I don't even know where the week went. I've been busier than I anticipated with school, which seems to really suck up my time, and Mikey came over late Monday night and that just sort of made everything else a blur.

You see, I took Ecstacy for the first time on Monday night and I've been hesitant to talk about it here because now that I've tried it, I feel sort of a stigma on myself. Maybe it's only me, but now I'm just another one of those dumb kids who does Ecstacy. Cause yes, I know that Ecstacy is dangerous, so please don't yell at me.

I've always been interested in altered states, and I did quite a bit of acid and mushrooms in my day (not to mention the fields of reefer I must have smoked in my lifetime). Ever since X appeared, I've been curious about it. I knew eventually I would try it, just to see what it was like.

If you've never done it, I know it's kind of hard to understand people's accounts of their experiences while rolling. When you have done it, suddenly you understand what everyone was talking about. The feeling was beyond amazing, and frankly the name, ecstacy is the perfect word to describe my state. I felt completely good and happy.. I had no worries, I was with my best friend, and everything was really funny. It felt amazing to move and stretch. My mind felt pretty clear, and was I kind of surprised how composed and in control I felt despite the total euphoria. And unlike mushrooms, which make me kind of tired and lazy, I had energy and it felt good to get up and walk around and stuff.

Mikey and I hung out at my house with my blue and green party lights on, downloading and listening to songs we wanted to hear. We also had the best heart-to-heart conversation and I got to tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him for everything he's done for me and my self-confidence; something that I'm too shy and embarrased to tell him normally. I took out some old photos of me to show him, to kind of drive home how much weight I've lost and how different I look now. I explained to him that that is why I act all weird and shy and insecure, because I'm not used to this me yet. I'm gradually getting better, but it's taking some adjusting to.

We also talked about my issues with Kit and he suggested something very practical, so I'm going to t ry it. Overall, I feel very much like I bonded with Mikey and I am just so happy that my first time on X was with him. I had a ton of fun.

The reason I like mind-altering drugs is that in some ways they expand your mind. They get me thinking about things I might never have thought of, or allow me to dig deeper and figure out issues. It seemed really important to me that Mikey understand my personal metamorphasis. So for the next couple of days I thought about it, and I realized that I still have a fat girl inside. That my perspective is slowly shifting, but in a lot of ways, I still see the world through the eyes of the old me.

I played with my camera a little while we were rolling, and got to use him as a subject to experiment with long-exposure digital photography. I got about four such pictures of him in various positions, and I have to say they're pretty damn cool. The effect on them is really interesting, and I want to do more. I'd post them somewhere but I promised Mikey I'd keep them private.

Anyway.. A couple awesome links from Alex:

Sidewalk drawings in Perspective

Alex says this is real.. crazy electricity

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