Monday, September 08, 2003


Well, it feels like both a lot and a little have happened in the past week. I guess really not that much has happened, but now that I'm in school, time is just flying by. I actually prefer for time to go by quickly like this; when I blow through a month in what seems to be a couple week span, I'm pretty happy. I hate time, and I hate waiting and drudging through the mundane crap, so when time flies like that, it means it's gone too fast for me to get stuck down in the mire. If that makes any sense.

The shock of shocks last week was that Kit called me to go have a beer with her. I'd just gotten home from work, and was feeling a bit restless. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't get a hold of my friend Mike. Not two minutes after I'd hung up the phone after leaving Mike a message, it rang. I assumed Mike was screening his calls or something, so imagine my surprise when it wasn't Mike, but Kit instead.

She said she was bored and asked if I wanted to go have a beer with her. We went to True Colors and hung out until they closed; we spent most of our time sitting on the patio and chatting, though she did kick my ass three times at pool. She's way, way better than me, that's fo' sho'.

Anyhow, I had a pretty good time, and I'm hoping she did, too. I know that I've definitely changed since I moved out of her apartment and into my own place, but I really haven't had an opportunity to show her just how I've changed. One of her major complaints way back when was that all she and I ever talked about was Gemstone. I've recently come to realize that I am so totally apathetic and bored with the details about the game, and I don't even care about shit that goes on. Well, except for the personal dramas of the players, that sort of thing always interests me.

I think Kit and I had pretty decent conversations, and at least I finally got to talk about Jan to someone. And what surprised me about that is that Kit's opinions around the situation pretty much mirror my own, so at last I do feel a bit vindicated in feeling this way. At least I know it's not just me.

I haven't heard a word from Jan in a month. Not the postcard she said she'd send me from Prague, no checking in with me, not even an acknowledgement that she got the birthday present I sent her. At this point, I think it's a bit rude. I mean, I kind of knew in my heart of hearts that the birthday present would be my last effort. I sort of expected to get some sort of reaction from it, but I think I knew deep down that even that would result in nothing.

Therefore, I give up. I don't understand the situation, I don't understand how she feels, and I don't understand what she's doing. I would love some sort of closure, but at this point, I'm not even sure what I'd say if I did talk to her. Sooooo, I suppose the smartest thing to do at this point is to simply just give up and stop spending my time and energy being hurt and angry, and trying to figure out the whys and whats of the situation.

I know I made mistakes with her, but overall, I don't think I did anything wrong. I don't believe it's me. And it really sucks because she is so amazing, and makes me feel amazing. I thought that counted for something, I thought she felt that way, too. But I have no idea anymore, and instead of bruising my head against the same wall, I think I'm going to just finally give it up.

I also discovered the great irony of being a lesbian. It's true that it's easier to be straight, but when gay people say that, they're usually thinking in terms of social acceptance or a greater ease in finding a partner. My irony is not either of those, though they are true, it's that my life would be so much easier if I didn't have to deal with women and their endless mountains of bullshit. The drama, the emotions, the complexity, the never knowing what they want.

My life would be easier if I didn't find men so completely boring.. I mean, sure, there's male bullshit, too, but it's ever so much easier and less complex to figure out. Men are fairly straightforward, while women are just one big tangle of all sorts of different stuff. The irony of being a lesbian is that I'm stuck having to deal with women.

And I want to know why no women ever know what they want. I know I'm not the only one on the planet that does know what she wants, but at times, it feels that way. Freud's great question was 'What do women want?' -- and women are just so difficult and complicated that even a woman couldn't tell you the answer. Even women don't know what they want.

My relationship with Regan was my one huge romantic mistake. It's very true that I tend to have to learn things the hard way, and she was no exception. However, once I learn something the hard way, I'll be damned if I let it happen again. So even though I endured more than two years of constant manipulation and mind-fucking, I don't necessarily regret the experience. It's certainly showed me all the various red flags and things I absolutely will never put up with again.

I figure I'll likely be single forever. After all, I don't want the drama, I don't want the games. I'm straightforward and I know what I want. Seeing that there doesn't appear to be many other women with those qualities, I probably will end up just riding above all the relationship drama and bullshit. I'm not interested in that, I'm not interested in living an emotional rollercoaster because of someone else. I am what I am and who I am, and if that doesn't mesh with anyone else, oh well. Because one of my recent revelations is that not only am I my best friend, I am the only one who truly loves me.

I'm sure people like my family love me, but I am the only person who knows every inch of me; all my flaws and qualities, and still I accept myself for who I am. No matter what happens, I have love inside for myself. I am the only person I can rely on 100% of the time. I will be here, with myself, when no one else is. And I am not willing to change anymore, for someone else's requirements. If someone can't deal with me, if someone doesn't like me.. too bad.

Anyhow, stepping off my soapbox..

I got my math quiz back and got 9/10. Not bad, but I did make a really retarded mistake in one of the problems. Somehow I multiplied 2 and 6 and got 16. I have no idea where exactly my brain goes when I'm doing math, or where I come up with some of these numbers.. all I know is that I space out sometimes and manage to make really dumb mistakes. And for the record, I do know that 2x6=12. Thanks. ;)

I'll have the Psych quiz back tomorrow, and I'll see how I did on that. And then the whole improv club thing is moving along. I'm scheduled to go speak at two theater classes later this month, and involve the students in some demonstrations. That should be a lot of fun. And then I also am supposed to write an article for the school paper.. heh. I've been sitting on this for a week now, and I still have no idea what the hell I should write about. I do have a title in mind, though: Improv Is Not Taken Seriously. Ha ha, get it?

I think it's kind of funny that when I was growing up, I never was president of anything. Even if I'd had the guts to run for something, no one would have ever voted for me -- I was that unpopular. And now.. as I told Nancy (the head of the Humanities division), I get to be Supreme High Dictator. Muahahaaaaaa. I get to lead, get to teach, get to have my own group and oversee it as I like. It's just so awesome.

I think I'm a good leader, I just rarely get the opportunity. So as long as there's some sort of interest in my club, I think things will go very well. I'm just having trouble with some of the details, but that's not unusual for me. I just need to get myself and everything else organized and hopefully once all the pain-in-the-ass details are taken care of, the rest will be cake. I hope.

Anyway.. that's about it for now.. I have to go crunch some prime numbers and junk. Whee!

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