Friday, August 08, 2003


Whatever is my new motto. I think about how pissed off someone has made me, and I just shake my head and my conclusion is Whatever...

When I have to have, you know, a TALK with someone, invariably, they tell me things that I need time to absorb. In a big, serious conversation, I can't even tell you how I feel about things.. because I need time to walk away, be alone with my thoughts, and figure it out. I actually have to come back later and re-start the conversation once I figure out where I stand. I don't know why I do things this way, or whether it's normal. It's just like my brain gets overloaded with new ideas and stuff, and I go blank.

So I had this talk with Jan about things. At the time, I was in that same blank space and I told her I was fine. But then after I hung up, I went and really thought about the conversation. And I'm not fine. I'm actually pretty pissed off.

I've refrained from posting here about Jan because she used to read my site. She doesn't read it much anymore, so here's where we get into the Whatever part. If she reads it, whatever. If she doesn't, whatever. I don't fucking care.

For one, I feel underappreciated. I always seem to come out underappreciated, no matter what I do. And I don't understand this because frankly, I think I'm a pretty awesome person with a lot to offer. And if you want to know the truth, I think I'm a damn good girlfriend. So why is it no one ever recognizes this?

Why the hell is nothing ever easy in my life?

And then, nurturing my anger and bitterness, I went outside and prayed for a while. I haven't done that a while, just the moon and me. One of the things I asked was why everything in my life has to be so damn hard. Why I can't ever have anything come to me easily.

I asked for a sign; that I'm on the right track, that things are fine, that this is the way things are meant to be.

This is the sign I got.. my cable got turned off, which spurred me into making the call I'd been dreading -- to my mom. That lead to me getting registered for school. Then I found a FREE working vacuum cleaner. And though it doesn't really hold any deep meaning, I found a penny on top of my monitor. I have absolutely no idea how the penny got there, whether I put it there -- or why I would, in the first place.

I keep trying to be happy about things in my life, keep trying to be stable, to get through all the hard stuff.. and I feel like I just keep getting shot down. I was excited about school until I came to the library today to check my email and found a semi-snarky note from my mom, telling me how she doesn't know how I expect her to pay for school and getting the money exchanged means she loses 20% and blah blah blah. Yeah, so much for being all sure and happy about school.


Bitter, angry me. Oh yeah. Happy joy.

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