Thursday, August 14, 2003

Lalalalalala.... I Can't Hear You...


I am really tired.. I hate morning shifts because I never get enough sleep the night before. Combine that with the $12 I made, total.. and you get an idea of just how fun work was.

Andre commented that he hasn't seen me this 'perky' and high on life since when I met Jan. I tried to explain that there really is no reason for me to be so happy; I just am. School is starting, I'm getting things accomplished now that I don't have any entertainment at home.. I feel pretty good about things in general. And I decided that if I can help it, I should make an effort to not be brought down by the stupid, rude, and cheap crap that I often get weighed down with. I'm feeling pretty stoked on myself for some reason, and I'm not about to let some dumb fucking hilljack take that away from me.

Speaking of feeling pretty stoked about myself.. A while back, maybe a month or so, I got my hair cut to almost all the same length. I usually wear barettes in it (and I swear it has got to be at least 15 years since I last wore barettes) to hold my bangs back and away from my face. I was loaded and heaped with compliments for days after I first got it cut; the lady who cut it did a good job, and my hair looks awesome for the first time in a year and a half.

I also finally got the Old Navy Online deal worked out. You have to understand that anything beyond having functional clothing is a luxury to me. If I have clothes in decent shape, even if they're limited in number and selection, I can't justify spending money I need for things like bills on new clothes. The clothes I have now have fit me over a vast range of weights and sizes. I still have clothes from when I was really fat, cause you never know when you'll need them again.. but I sure as hell hope I can eventually get rid of them.

In any case, most of my clothes are men's, and also were baggy on me when I was fat. Now that I'm thinner, they're super baggy on me and make me look way heavier than I really am. So in essence, I've been dying to get some clothes that actually show off my new figure.

Anyway, I had one tank top that my mom bought me a couple of years ago, and I've desperately been wanting more like it. The problem has been that I haven't been able to find a decent tank top that would look okay on me -- and minus the Satan-inspired creation of a shelf bra. I knew the tank tops had to come from Old Navy. So I mentioned to my mom that if she were going to be buying stuff from Old Navy during their summer sales, to get me a couple tank tops. This spurred my mom into offering to let me spend $100 at Old Navy Online, to get some tank tops and whatever else I need.

Well, I immediately did and I found all sorts of great stuff I wanted. Then Old Navy wouldn't process my mom's credit card because it's foreign and I wasn't the cardholder, and blah blah. My mom wouldn't call them and told me to simply try another one of her credit cards, this time with her address in Italy. Knowing well enough that that wouldn't work, I put it off until maybe a week or so ago, and I tried again.

By then, the tank tops I'd really, really wanted -- they were so awesome, like the normal wife-beater Old Navy tanks, but with leather lacings at the front -- were down to $3.99 and almost completely sold out. However, I did find some nice women's t-shirts that I thought I would give a try, as well as some differently colored tanks. I also took a long-shot and attempted to buy some women's jeans, though I honestly had no idea what size I wear now.

I originally was very excited to have more tank tops, but after ordering, I was even more excited about the women's t-shirts. And then it occurred to me that I finally would have the right shirt to go with my tan velvet/velour pants... the ones that look really good on me, but that I never had a shirt to wear with.

And sho' nuff, the tees look awesome on me, especially the black one, which I paired with my tan pants, a black leather belt, and some brown clunky dyke shoes. As an experiment, I blow-dried my hair, gussied myself up as much as I get, and headed out to True Colors, one of our two gay bars. My friend Chris was supposed to go out with me that night, but he never called me back, as much as I pestered him with messages.

I say it was an experiment, and I call it that because, for one, I really have never enjoyed going to bars alone, but I was definitely curious as to whether I was as hot as I thought. I was curious whether I'd get any sort of reaction, whether women would notice me at all, that sort of thing.

Within five minutes of walking in and sitting down by myself, I had a woman come up to me and start touching my back. She eventually put her arm around me. I was a little stunned, not because she was so incredibly drunk (and she was), but because that NEVER happens. Women don't approach me in bars. I was frankly a little flustered and embarrassed, but tried to play it cool and get it across that I wasn't interested. She eventually gave up and went back to her friends at the bar.

It happened to be karaoke night, so I was sitting there watching everyone and sort of enjoying the spectacle that is karaoke. Then another woman came up, asked if she could use my ashtray, and struck up a short conversation with me about nothing. The whole thing was turning out very interesting. I could get used to it!

I was going to bail after I finished my beer, but for some reason, I felt compelled to get another beer instead. There weren't many people in the bar, and I knew everyone would notice when I stood up and walked out. I felt self-conscious, but I also was kind of enjoying the humor factor of the karaoke. When I went to the bar, a guy from the table next to mine came up beside me to order something, and we said hi. We struck up a little conversation while we waited for our drinks, and he bought me my beer.

This was turning out better than I'd anticipated.

I helped him carry his four shots back to his table (he was seated with an older guy and two girls around my age), then went back to mine and sat down with my beer. I thought about asking them if I could join them, since it was pretty boring sitting by myself, but I couldn't seem to find the right opportunity, nor the guts to just get up and do it. Eventually, the guy who'd bought my drink turned around and said, "What are you doing there all by yourself? Come sit with us!"

So it turns out that I actually had a pretty good time. The people I sat with were very friendly and nice, and we had interesting conversations about all sorts of things. It came out that I work for Olive Garden and Darden, so we discussed that a bit. Everyone was trying to persuade me to try my hand at karaoke, and while I assured them that I could sing, I explained that I didn't do well with microphones, and that I generally tended to suck at karaoke.

The man who was DJing the karaoke kept bantering back and forth with this large, older woman holding court at a table nearby. At one point, I was surprised to find her behind me, and she asked me if I work at OG. I said I did, and she laughed and said I'd waited on them the last time. She made a small fuss over it, calling out to her son that I'd waited on them. At about that time, the son said he was doing the last karaoke song. I'd finally broken down and decided to sing I Will Survive, but they hadn't called my name yet.

I jokingly turned to the people at my table and commented, "Guess there'll be no singing for me tonight!"

And then the next thing I knew, everyone was shouting that I was a virgin and they HAD to let me sing. So Justin and I went up; he did backup for me. I think it might actually have been decently sung by me. I'm never entirely sure because I hate the sound of my voice coming through a machine, so it doesn't sound to me like it does when I'm just singing to myself.

No one booed, and it was fun to sing. ;)

I flirted with the girls at the table, but only one seemed relatively receptive. We danced, sorta, and then she beat me -- barely! -- at pool.

So yeah.. how's that for a Tuesday night, eh?

School starts on Monday, I can't wait.

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