Friday, August 01, 2003

Fresh Start


All right.. July is over and done. I hope the screen door smashed it in the head on its way out.

As I have said in the past, Tristan Taormino is absofuckinglutely hot. Imagine my surprise while idly channel surfing through awful soap opera acting, when I stumbled upon Tristan on Ricki Lake!

My surprise was twofold -- it was the first I'd ever seen Tristan on a talkshow, plus Ricki Lake of all shows!? If you have never watched Ricki Lake, you should understand that the audience has what I'd call a Junior High School mentality. Tristan, the sex guru, is totally open and comfortable talking about sex. But it was like being in an assembly of teenagers, the way the audience was tittering. Kind of amusing and embarrassing at the same time.

Tristan is foremost an anal sex guru, so I was anticipating that the subject would come up. One woman came on the show to say that her husband had become obsessed with anal sex ever since they first tried it, and the woman wanted him to realize she didn't only want that kind of sex. Only they never actually said 'anal sex', they kept calling it 'an alternative form of sex' or 'another kind of sex'. I watched the entire episode glued to Tristan's face; I really was dying to know what was going through her mind.

Another thing that was really funny is that they brought all these people out to talk to Tristan and some other guy who is apparently also a sex guru, yet they spent like two minutes total on 'resolving' each problem. We'll use the term 'resolving' loosely, as the topic was briefly discussed, usually no conclusion drawn, and then they would go to commercial.

Another highlight of the show was Tristan taking this uptight young housewife into Babes in Toyland and instructing her to find a dildo that was the size of her husband's penis. Inside the store, Tristan commented, "I heard he was the size of a Coke can?" (Apparently her husband is hung and sex is uncomfortable for her.)

I also wondered if anyone on the show knew or realized that Tristan is a lesbian. And then I thought it would be super-fun to see Tristan and Oprah together.

On other fronts, work has been a bit better than usual. Half the tips are still crappy, but at least they're not all crappy. My first table left me a $42 tip, on a $120 bill, but I think that was a mistake. I think the lady probably didn't realize the gratuity had been added to the check. However, they left before I could say anything, but I still feel a bit guilty about it.

My last table was a party of 10 wiseass teenagers. I hate wiseass teenagers, but generally I deal with them pretty well, because I, too, am a wiseass and I give it back just as good as I get it. And because they're teenagers, I don't care about being snarky back at them.

What made me mad is 3 of them didn't order anything, and the manager told me I couldn't grat the table. Little fuckers left me $4. Not even 10%. I had a bit of fun at their expense, though, so I guess it evens out.

I'd tell that story, but it'd make me look like even more of a jackass than I already do.

However, I am proud to report that I had my one-year anniversary at OG and got a spiffy one-year pin. This is officially the longest job I've ever held. Actually, it was officially the longest two months ago, but whatever. It's not that I get fired.. in fact, I've never been fired from a job, other than from my GameMaster position. And while that probably says wonders about me in all sorts of ways, I'll just move on and state that I usually get so fed up of jobs, I quit within a year.

The only reason I've been at OG for so long is that there's nothing else for me to do here. In fact, I did technically quit last November, but then Charter ended up not hiring me because I left something blank on the application by accident. So yeah. A year. And more to look forward to.

Killmekillmekillmekillme. :P

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