Monday, July 28, 2003

So.. Um... Yeah.

I have finally gotten to the point where I give up and surrender to the universe. If it wants to screw with me, let it. I obviously can't do anything but take the punches as they come.

I was thinking tonight that June was absolutely golden. It might have been the most awesome month of my life.. and everything was going right. It's strange that July would turn out to be completely opposite.. instead of being given good things, I'm having things taken away.

Things are easier now that I've surrendered. I'm done with spending energy being pissed off. I did a bit of letter-writing, which also helped me sort and purge a lot of the crap I was feeling. I feel a lot calmer now.

The weird thing is, after that, tonight I got two 'signs' of good luck. The first one was a lightning bug that somehow got into my apartment, and was flitting around on my desk. It was glowing and everything. I grew up in the city, so as you can imagine, my childhood was pretty devoid of lightning bugs. Most kids have caught and kept them, and before tonight, I'd never seen one close up, much less touched one. One thing I like about living here is all the lightning bugs in the summer; they're so neat.

In any case, I caught the lightning bug in my bare hands and put it outside. If it's not a good luck sign, then at least I'm attracting other insects besides roaches and flies.

And THEN I realized I seemed to be missing some CDs, so I went on a hunt for my CD books. I found them in the still-unpacked duffel bag I took to SimuCon. When I opened the first one, I was amazed to find a CD of MP3s that I'd burned for the drive to St. Louis. My carmates both had portable MP3 players with them, but neither of them worked, so we never listened to the CD. Since I don't have an MP3 player, I promptly forgot about the CD.

I was a bit peeved when I hooked up this computer and found that I had no MP3s on it whatsoever. I swear I had a whole library, but I must have deleted it when I switched PCs. The CD doesn't have any of my new favorites, but it has plenty of songs I really like.. so I'm very, very happy.

I dare not hope that my luck is changing, but at least something positive finally happened.

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