Thursday, June 26, 2003

More Musings


I believe that people never stop learning or growing. I don't care how old you are, there is always, always something to learn. So here I am, in a learning phase, and currently feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything. I can't even begin to sort it out. I feel a little stuck and it's frustrating. On top of that, I'm pretty scared right now about the whole Jan thing. I have so many weird and confusing emotions about that, on top of the universe bombarding me with stuff -- omens, coincidences, etc. -- now that I'm listening. As I told Jen, now that I'm listening to the universe, it won't shut up.

I've been feeling pretty bottled up.. not really knowing what it was I felt, and not able to express it in any way. Everything was sort of roiling around in my stomach; no wonder I've felt nauseous for the past couple of days. As much as I needed to get it all out, I just couldn't find the means. I had no words for how I felt, so I didn't feel inspired to write (and I thought about blogging, journaling, writing a letter). And I just didn't feel like painting.

I finally sat down and began a letter to Jan, but I don't think I'm going to send it. However, it helped me pinpoint some of the things I've been feeling, and then I talked a little with Robin, which helped quite a bit. I like that I can be really honest and bare with her when I need to and she doesn't judge me, she just gives me good advice.

So now I know that I feel scared, frustrated, and overwhelmed. That helps quite a bit.. now I can begin to process those feelings. And then Robin said something of just having to learn to live with myself and everything I'm thinking and feeling, instead of dumping it all on Jan first. This is wise. And very true. Then it set me to thinking about things, and I realized that I'm being made to do this the right way. If she were nearby, I would likely relapse into old bad habits, even if I was trying hard not to. And one of the things I have to learn is to live with my feelings before dumping them on someone.

It's hard, because I have a habit of sometimes evading difficult feelings and letting them rest to the wayside until forced to deal with them. But as I just said earlier today in a conversation, my life has opened up and I feel different, and the old ways of doing things don't seem good enough. I have to find new ways of doing things. Better ways. So I'm aware of how I have to keep myself in check, to process, to be patient, to live in the present.

I know I've been kind of proselytizing lately, to anyone who will listen. I'm guilty of doing it here, too, but mostly because you all are forced to read what I write (muahahaaaaa). Part of it is that I believe strongly in the discoveries I've made, part of it is that I need to talk about it to help me keep up my faith.

A cool thing happened today, actually, speaking of proselytizing. Jess has a pool at her apartment complex, so she invited me over to swim after work, since it was about 200 degrees outside, and we were both closing our sides. We finally get to the pool and there are these two girls there that Jess didn't know, but after saying hi to them, they all had a mutual friend in common, Drew, who lives in the complex with Jess. The girls were waiting for Drew to get back from some errand, and we all sat around the pool chit-chatting for a while.

Eventually, Drew came back with a couple other people, and we hung out around the pool because the weather was so nice. After a little while, one of the girls that had arrived with Drew reached forward and asked Drew if that was a penny stuck in the board on the step below where he was sitting. She reached and pulled it out and discovered it was a penny, and then said, "I have found a penny every single time I've come here. It's weird. But every time, I find one." And then she put the penny in her pocket.

It seemed like the universe was talking to her, but she didn't know to listen. So I turned to her and said, "Now you need to figure out what the penny message is."

She just looked at me, and I explained the theory about signs and coincidences being the language of the world. She was kind of looking at me like I was nuts; at least, I couldn't figure out if she was just asking me about it to humor me, or if she felt the truth of it and was sitting there feeling kind of stunned. After a few interruptions, I continued explaining what I meant, and soon had the entire group of people gathered around me to listen to the things I was saying.

When I finished, I turned to the girl with the penny and I said, "Now you just have to figure out what the penny message is." And she took out the penny and held it, smiled a secret smile, and replied, "Oh, I know what the penny message is."

It was really cool. She knew what I was talking about. I pushed The Alchemist on all of them, and told them to keep their eyes open for signs. I told them that I guarateed all of them would soon begin noticing things, simply because I'd told them of the possibility. They seemed very stoked about it.

I've been feeling the need to pass on this knowledge to others and I find it totally awesome that I was able to connect with a bunch of strangers today and do so. I felt the connection, and I felt the connection they made with the soul of the universe when I told them about it. Maybe I inspired some people.

In some ways, I feel like I could conquer the world if I wanted to.

Rawr.

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