Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Little Bit of This.. Little Bit of That..


I ran across this website a few months ago, mostly because I was reading the Man 1, Bank 0 story, which, in itself is really incredible. At the time, I read most of the stories and such on his site, and liked him enough to bookmark him.

One of the stories is called "My 48-hour conversation with the Soul of the World". I read this story when I first went over his site, and I thought it was pretty amazing. Then I kind of forgot about it, but because I'd read the story, I began noticing things that Patrick mentions. Odd coincidences, connecting random events into a sort of communication to urge you and support you in your goals. There's a book about it called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

I highly urge you all to read this story by Patrick Combs. It's awesome, and I highly recommend the rest of his site, as well.

The theory is that there's a Unspoken Language of the World's Soul; a secret language of hints that help guide you to your destiny. I read that months ago and I am convinced now. There are simply far too many things that have fallen into place recently, too many things simply handed to me once I made the decision to follow my heart. I'm almost afraid of how easy things are right now. Wonderful things keep falling in my lap, after such a long time of being in despair, of my heart being closed off, of not following my heart or my dreams.

I have made the decision to follow my heart, and I now have some very realistic and positive goals. I feel like my life has suddenly opened up. It's an amazing feeling, which is why I'm writing to gush about it. I am totally excited about my life for the first time in many years. I have great, attainable goals that will then open up doors to even better goals. I feel also that I am finding myself, who I am, much more than I ever have. I'm learning about me for once.

I think I used to be too afraid of trying to find myself. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, but I know that I probably spent my whole life trying to avoid looking really deeply inside myself. I could get to various deep layers, but I never got to the core of me. I was too afraid. Too afraid of myself, maybe too afraid to like and esteem what I saw inside, because then I might love myself.

I grew up with a pretty fucked-up mindset about myself. I'm not sure exactly what happened or why that changed. I have gone through a ton, a TON of crap since I turned 18. I was dragged been through hell and back, emotionally, twice. And at the time, it all seemed so horrible and all I did was focus on that. It's not like I sat down one day and said, "Self, you have to love yourself. Okay? Okay."

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no specific moment that I can remember that changed me for the better. Years of therapy and medication for my depression, years of not understanding why I was so unhappy. And then all of a sudden, the black cloud lifts and I'm a normal person (well, as far as depression goes, anyway). It's kind of weird. I mean, even my mom will ask me from time to time, "What happened to you? You're so much healthier than I've ever seen you."

I don't know what happened. I grew up, went through some stuff, learned about myself.. and pretty much learned to stand up for myself. I spent all 13 years of school getting picked on, teased, and made fun of.. and never could stand up for myself to stop it. I value myself now. I respect myself. And I feel incredibly blessed to have the depression go away.

I don't get depressed anymore. It's weird in a "Huh, why did that stop happening" sort of way. I don't know why or when it changed, but my thought processes are different. I don't obsess as much about stuff. I rarely do circular thinking. I feel better about my body (since I've lost a total of about 75 pounds, thankyouverymuch).

I do think being thinner helps me as far as self-esteem. I struggled with my weight my entire life because I was miserable being overweight. But because of other things I had to work through (control issues with food that changed when I moved out), I was never able to keep the weight off. My mom would try to keep me from eating certain things, and I would turn around and sneak them. Not healthy.

I have always wanted to lose the weight because of ME. Because I knew that the things I wanted in my life didn't include being fat. I knew that I couldn't ever be happy until I had lost weight and felt better about myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't really work hard at losing the weight. It just kind of came off as I was working a lot and not eating very much. It wasn't a conscious attempt to lose weight; I simply wasn't all that hungry.

But again, it's another thing that fell in my lap, on the road to accomplishing my dreams.

I do feel blessed. :)

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