Friday, June 27, 2003

Random Goodness

Well, it's one of those days where I have some time to kill before work and I seem to be finding a wealth of random, freaky crap on the web. Surprised?

First up is the KIRO 7 LIVE streaker.. People with slow connections, you have my pity as always, but this is a short clip, so you may have to suffer through it to see it. I think the best part of the clip is the reporter's reaction. First, she says, "Oh my goodness" like she's really shocked, yet just kind of stops her report and doesn't seem terribly perturbed by the whole thing.

Next is BoneClone. I wasn't terribly awake when I found this link, and somehow I understood the whole deal to be that you could get a replica of your skeleton. That'd be cool. So imagine my surprise when I went to the site and saw what it actually is. Ha! You have to read the testimonials, they're hilarious. "I'm a sexually independent and aggressive woman. I date a lot and have a clone of every man willing. When I'm bored but want some pleasure, I visit the vault for my date." -- Cecilia from Champaign, Illinois

Remember the arcade game Q-Bert? Well, try Pubert.

This one makes me think of the Darwin Awards.. A 32-year-old Colorado man faces first-degree murder charges after he killed his nephew while trying to demonstrate that a bulletproof vest could also stop knives.

Here's a parody of the Honda "Cog" commercial. (again, slow connection people, you're going to suffer)

I guess the new thing in piercings and tattoos is lip tattoos. Which only leads me to further believe that kids these days are fucking idiots. I mean, when you're 80, are you really going to want the tattoo inside your lip that says $BLING$? Or how about the one that says FAGGOT? Pfffft.

The dog walks like a lady.

Robbed at antler-point.

Visualize whirled peas.

Stupid people finally get the recognition they deserve.

Uh... the only thing I can think to say is that this girl is excellent girlfriend material.

Which makes an excellent segue to my next link, beavers rule!

Okay, so.. apparently women get aroused by both sexes, regardless of sexual orientation. And here I thought it was just me.

All I have to say is: OH MY GOD. Brings new meaning to getting the munchies.

Some people are WAY too stupid to own a computer.

And last but not least.. Mac kills your inner child.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

More Musings

I believe that people never stop learning or growing. I don't care how old you are, there is always, always something to learn. So here I am, in a learning phase, and currently feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything. I can't even begin to sort it out. I feel a little stuck and it's frustrating. On top of that, I'm pretty scared right now about the whole Jan thing. I have so many weird and confusing emotions about that, on top of the universe bombarding me with stuff -- omens, coincidences, etc. -- now that I'm listening. As I told Jen, now that I'm listening to the universe, it won't shut up.

I've been feeling pretty bottled up.. not really knowing what it was I felt, and not able to express it in any way. Everything was sort of roiling around in my stomach; no wonder I've felt nauseous for the past couple of days. As much as I needed to get it all out, I just couldn't find the means. I had no words for how I felt, so I didn't feel inspired to write (and I thought about blogging, journaling, writing a letter). And I just didn't feel like painting.

I finally sat down and began a letter to Jan, but I don't think I'm going to send it. However, it helped me pinpoint some of the things I've been feeling, and then I talked a little with Robin, which helped quite a bit. I like that I can be really honest and bare with her when I need to and she doesn't judge me, she just gives me good advice.

So now I know that I feel scared, frustrated, and overwhelmed. That helps quite a bit.. now I can begin to process those feelings. And then Robin said something of just having to learn to live with myself and everything I'm thinking and feeling, instead of dumping it all on Jan first. This is wise. And very true. Then it set me to thinking about things, and I realized that I'm being made to do this the right way. If she were nearby, I would likely relapse into old bad habits, even if I was trying hard not to. And one of the things I have to learn is to live with my feelings before dumping them on someone.

It's hard, because I have a habit of sometimes evading difficult feelings and letting them rest to the wayside until forced to deal with them. But as I just said earlier today in a conversation, my life has opened up and I feel different, and the old ways of doing things don't seem good enough. I have to find new ways of doing things. Better ways. So I'm aware of how I have to keep myself in check, to process, to be patient, to live in the present.

I know I've been kind of proselytizing lately, to anyone who will listen. I'm guilty of doing it here, too, but mostly because you all are forced to read what I write (muahahaaaaa). Part of it is that I believe strongly in the discoveries I've made, part of it is that I need to talk about it to help me keep up my faith.

A cool thing happened today, actually, speaking of proselytizing. Jess has a pool at her apartment complex, so she invited me over to swim after work, since it was about 200 degrees outside, and we were both closing our sides. We finally get to the pool and there are these two girls there that Jess didn't know, but after saying hi to them, they all had a mutual friend in common, Drew, who lives in the complex with Jess. The girls were waiting for Drew to get back from some errand, and we all sat around the pool chit-chatting for a while.

Eventually, Drew came back with a couple other people, and we hung out around the pool because the weather was so nice. After a little while, one of the girls that had arrived with Drew reached forward and asked Drew if that was a penny stuck in the board on the step below where he was sitting. She reached and pulled it out and discovered it was a penny, and then said, "I have found a penny every single time I've come here. It's weird. But every time, I find one." And then she put the penny in her pocket.

It seemed like the universe was talking to her, but she didn't know to listen. So I turned to her and said, "Now you need to figure out what the penny message is."

She just looked at me, and I explained the theory about signs and coincidences being the language of the world. She was kind of looking at me like I was nuts; at least, I couldn't figure out if she was just asking me about it to humor me, or if she felt the truth of it and was sitting there feeling kind of stunned. After a few interruptions, I continued explaining what I meant, and soon had the entire group of people gathered around me to listen to the things I was saying.

When I finished, I turned to the girl with the penny and I said, "Now you just have to figure out what the penny message is." And she took out the penny and held it, smiled a secret smile, and replied, "Oh, I know what the penny message is."

It was really cool. She knew what I was talking about. I pushed The Alchemist on all of them, and told them to keep their eyes open for signs. I told them that I guarateed all of them would soon begin noticing things, simply because I'd told them of the possibility. They seemed very stoked about it.

I've been feeling the need to pass on this knowledge to others and I find it totally awesome that I was able to connect with a bunch of strangers today and do so. I felt the connection, and I felt the connection they made with the soul of the universe when I told them about it. Maybe I inspired some people.

In some ways, I feel like I could conquer the world if I wanted to.


Wednesday, June 25, 2003


I'm really in the weirdest space right now.. I have all this energy and yet I can't figure out what I should channel it into. I've started painting again, since that helps me express my feelings without a) having to put them into words, and b) having to dump it all on someone.

I decided that since Jan got me The Alchemist to read, I should probably read it. I will actually likely buy this book so that I can read it all again.. it's quite a bit to absorb the first time. In any case, I just read this part and I like it.. so I felt like recording it somewhere.

Finally, a young woman approached who was not dressed in black. She had a vessel on her shoulder and her head was covered by a veil, but her face was uncovered. The boy approached her to ask about the alchemist.

At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him. When he looked into her dark eyes, and saw that her lips were poised between a laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke -- the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. She smiled, and that was certainly an omen -- the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life. The omen he had sought to find with his sheep and in his books, in the crystals and in the silence of the desert.

It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

More Quotes

Haha -- I just scooped a wasp out of midair with a cup and a postcard. Very Karate Kid of me. Okay, yeah.. I'm in a decent mood with too much time on my hands.

I'm going through the quotes on and I've found some really funny ones I have to share, from the top 50-100 quotes.



<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D\-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet



<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.



<Eurakarte> RETORT



<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?



<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK



<Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado



<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P



<BombScare> i beat the internet
<BombScare> the end guy is hard



<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space
<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice



<DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4



Quits: TITANIC (Excess Flood)



<asr> 'fo sheezy.
<Sabboth> what the fuck does that mean in english? you should understand that having a day job precludes me from 'keeping it real' and as such, I lack a certain familiarity with the language of the 'streets' as it were.



<blazemore> omg i love this song
<blazemore> Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
<Javi> blazemore:  yeah, that's a bad ass song



<Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file



<skrike> I think the people above me are having sex
<skrike> either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.


# 5259

<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away
<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob
<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs
<cristobal> and heat up the door knob
<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....



<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.



<kolby> you still in english?



<booradley> I'd like to perform a one act play I call, "Creative screwed me like a bitch"
<booradley> <audigy> Buy me! I'm ever so sexy
<booradley> <boo> ok. come home with me and we'll play among the stars
<booradley> <audigy> tee hee! I love you, boo!
<booradley> <boo> I love you too, audigy
<booradley> :: later ::
<booradley> <boo> there, you're all installed. how do you feel?
<neshura> down in front!
<booradley> <audigy> LET JESUS FUCK YOU! VRAAAGH!
* audience gasps.
<booradley> * audigy is putting noise across your PCI channels
<booradley> <hard drive> Mein leben!
<booradley> * hard drive has died
<booradley> <audigy> Blaaah! blaaaugh! your mother sucks cocks in hell! graaagh!
<booradley> <modem> aaieee
<booradley> *modem has died
<booradley> and the new modem I got connects at 32k tops
<Shendal> By far, that's the best one-act IRC play I've read this season.  Do I smell a Tony award?



<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%



<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.



<Entomorph> you know what cracks me up.. trojan condoms, hehe.. I mean if you think about it, a trojan horse was really full off all these little men, and it was a trick to get them inside the fortress.. once inside, the horse BUSTS open, and all the little men come flowing out






<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<p5Ds13a06> you cant buy alcoholics
<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free



* Basil|ArFr was promised a BJ from a member of the opposite sex if he gets a C in Literature.
<Fozzie> I've heard of parents giving gifts for good grades, but this is ridiculous!


You know what scares me? That WV's federal government is by and large Democratic. It scares me because I can't figure out how the hell the Democrats could even get elected in this state of Bible-thumping conservatives (yes, I know not everyone is a Bible-thumping conservative here, but it sure seems like the majority). Our governor is a Democrat, as are our senators. Only one of the House members is Republican; in fact, she's the only Republican, out of all these governmental positions. That means that five out of six are Democrats. It freaks me out.

Alex, the wannabe rogue, is the King of Random Links. I am the Queen, so he and I get along great.

This is Alex.

Well, he sent me this link to a quote database. I clicked on random, and this one came up. I thought it was pretty funny, so I'm going to share.


<Ober> hahaha
<infi> ?
<Ober> MSNBC "No Iraqi Dikes have been blown"
<VistA> lol
<infi> heh
<Ober> the guy said "ahh"
<dragonbyt> dont dykes lack the equipment to get blown?
<Ober> after the word blown
<Ober> like he did a double take

Monday, June 23, 2003

Goodbyes Suck Ass

That is all.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

More Travel Journal Stories

Tuesday, 6/7/97

I opened the front door to one of the most breathtaking mornings I'd ever seen -- the kind where you can't do anything but mill around stupidly and say, "Wow" a lot.

The smell of the morning hit me and stayed with me. It was so clean and natural, that I just stood there breathing for a bit.

There was an old woman on the beach, her dress or shorts hiked up high on her thighs, walking back and forth up a stretch of the beach. I caught her eye and gave her a very big, sincere smile. I was feeling rejuvenated.

She smiled something back and asked something like, "Are you Italian?" I shook my head and said no, and she called up a reply that involved Angelo. I didn't hear or understand, so I shrugged and smiled.

I watched this old man take his boat down to the water. It was really a two-person job, but he was doing it on his own. He had to make sure the boat didn't slide onto the sand, while he went around back and picked up wooden slats one by one, to toss onto the sand in front of the boat.

It really occurred to me to help him, and I thought he might actually say yes, which was a nice idea.

I felt incredibly happy at this time, I felt whole, healed, in my perfect center. I felt a connection to the village and the people.

I was still in my pajamas, so I rolled up my long johns and hopped onto the beach. But I chickened out and didn't ask to help the man. I really wish I had, but I didn't want him to say no, though I think it would have been a perfect gesture for how I felt. I think that had I asked, it would have changed the outcome of today.

I, instead, dipped my feet in the water and felt how good the sand was against my feet. I smiled at the old woman a few times, and as she was leaving the beach, she waved at me. That felt really cool. :)

I skipped stones for a bit, getting the best skip of my life off this big, odd-shaped stone. I then headed to the stairs, and on my way, I noticed a snail on the sand.

My first thought was about why there was a snail on the beach. My second thought was that I should pick it up and place it somewhere it would fit in (like a garden). I put it up on the walkway and watched it for a bit.

It had pebbles stuck on the bottom, and it slid out of those easily. I skipped stones for a bit more, then went up the stairs.

The snail hadn't gotten very far, and I knew that if it kept up its slower-than-snail's-pace, it would get smooshed by speeding cars.

I considered the situation a bit, then picked the snail up and put it in a flowerbed. It was very happy and sped off.

Thinking about the snail, I really wonder how it got there. It would have died if the saltwater had touched it, so it hadn't been there long. Also I know there's salt on the pebbles, and it wasn't dead, so I think maybe a bird dropped it.

I then walked back to the house and went to bed. I didn't wake up till after 9.

Kim woke me up a little earlier to work the shower for her, and then she woke me up at 9:30, because she wanted to leave the house by 10.

She seemed angry, reserved, and defensive. I was so exhausted; I couldn't get out of bed. Kim was cleaning the house like crazy, and that sort of forced me to get up.

I packed and made my bed, and then we eventually left the house somewhat after 10, searching for Angelo.

We went to the post office, where they were more than rude to us. We bought some fruit and focaccia bread, and met these two Americans.

We went back to the pescheria, to say goodbye to Angelo.

It was only about 11am, and you could already tell that the day would be a scorcher. We were toting our backpacks, and sweating so badly that we both needed showers again.

We walked over to new Monterosso and Kim wanted ice cream. So we stopped and got ice cream, and the popsicles looked really good. I bought one, and the guy behind the counter called it an "ice lolly". Heh!

We were dripping sweat when we got to the station, where we decided to wait on the wrong platform, in the shade and on the cool ground. Our train wasn't for about 45 minutes, so we sort of just sat and waited.

Kim pulled out a cigarette and I decided to roll one, just because I had nothing else to do.

As soon as I took out my rolling papers, this old man appeared from nowhere and offered me a cigarette from his case. He didn't want me to have to roll my cigarette, and I thought that was very sweet. He stood and talked to us for a while, in Italian, and we were getting a kick out of him, he was so cute.

He said something about "American", "Americana" and said "è stupido" ("is stupid"). I thought he was insulting us, which was so out of character to the sweet old man who'd just offered me a cigarette.

He later clarified that he thought English was stupid -- he didn't like the way we say "American".

He had this way of sort of cackling every time he said something he thought was particularly funny. I was loving this old guy, he had a very friendly, sincere demeanor, and I appreciated his gesture to me, of offering the cigarette.

After a bit, he waved and walked away, leaving me to wish I'd gotten a picture of him.

We waited a while more, and I tentatively offered Kim an apology for everything I did wrong in Monterosso, but I didn't get a chance to finish before the train got there. Kim was being very distant, and I don't blame her.

We got on the train to La Spezia, which is thankfully air-conditioned. I hold onto my apology for a while more, feeling edgy around Kim.

It only took about ten minutes to get to La Spezia. Ten very quiet minutes. When we got off at La Spezia, we find out that there's no direct train to Florence and that we'll have to go to Pisa and transfer to a train to Florence.

We sat on our platform, waiting, and I finished my apology. Kim sort of blew it off, telling me that actions speak louder than words. I accepted that, and hoped to God that thinks would pick up.

We took the train to Pisa, sharing a cabin with a very nice older man who helped us with our bags, a younger man who didn't say anything and just read the entire time, and a woman who looked like her head was bald under her hat, who was terribly antsy and kept getting up and leaving.

Kim's been reading Reviving Ophelia, and I didn't have anything else to read, having finished my book, so I browsed through the Brittany section of our France book.

Brittany is going to be very cool. I've been reading this series by Mary Stewart about the life of Merlin, and Brittany plays a big part in that history. I'm very excited to be going there, because I love history and legends, and Brittany is chock full of both.

Kim isn't very interested in history, which disappoints me because I'm so excited about it, and I'd love to share that with her. I start to tell her all these really cool things that fascinate me, and thrill me, and give me goosebumps, and I'm rewarded with her eyes glazing over and a blank stare.

Brittany is going to be my show, since Kim doesn't know much about it, and I don't think she's incredibly thrilled.

I was talking to Kim on the train about all the legends and myths, about The Enchanted Forest of Paimpont.

Then we exited the train at Pisa, and we waited a few minutes for the train to Florence. Not only was the train not air conditioned, it stopped at every little hick town from here to Florence, so there wasn't much by way of breezes in the train.

A couple of people tipped us off that we could get off at the next stop and then board an express train to Florence, which is much better and faster.

It really was, too! We went fast enough to create a breeze to stay relatively cool, and we arrived in Florence in no time.

I surprised myself by sleeping on the train, and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I just wanted to keep sleeping!

We got off the train and it was still hot. I was tired and cranky, and not very excited about being in Florence, especially with all the rude drivers and gross exhaust fumes.

We walked to a hostel that a friend of Angelo's had recommended, but they were full. The guy at the desk suggested we try to get a room in a place not too far away.

We headed there, and were a little confused by the lack of signs saying "Hostel" or "Hotel". We found the number the guy gave us, and tried to open the door, but it was locked. We stood there in a brief moment of confusion, and then a num poked her head out a little window and we asked if they were full. She didn't say anything, but unlocked the door for us.

I was still confused, not wanting to believe that the entire place was full of nuns, but when we stepped into the foyer, my fears were confirmed. There was religious artwork all over the walls, and a crucifix, and the whole atmosphere was that of a convent -- very quiet, dark, and cool. Before we had a chance to discuss the situation privately, Kim and I had paid for our room and were being escorted upstairs.

The whole thing hadn't quite sunk in yet, and we were exchanging looks and stifled giggles.

Our room was large, with five beds, five nightstands, six chairs, a dresser, an armoire, and a table. The sound of the street was very loud and the room was cool and dark.

Kim fought with the nun to open the shutters; the nun wanted them closed to keep in the cool, but Kim wanted them opened for the breeze. After the nun left, Kim opened the shutters anyway. I really, really needed a shower at that point, so I went to the bathroom down the hall, which was really two different bathrooms -- one with a toilet, sink, bidet, and tub, the other with a shower, sink, toilet, and bidet. I chose the shower, and the water didn't get hot until my shower was over.

It felt so good to be dripping wet that I didn't dry myself off or dress, I just wrapped my towel around me and went back to the room.

I dressed there, and then laid down for a nap. I think Kim did the same, and we got up a few hours later, when our roommates, two nice Japanese girls, came in.

We got ready to go out to eat, having no real idea where we were going. We were just looking for somewhere cheap, and we ended up at this restaurant called Baccus. Kim had tortellini with ham and cream sauce, and I had tortellini soup, which was absolutely delicious. We must have been very dehydrated, because we drank a ton of water.

We wanted dessert, but the waitress was obviously confused and brought us the wrong thing. We'd ordered vanilla ice cream (I swear we were more than clear on that) with banana and chocolate sauce, but she brought lemon sorbet with chocolate sauce and banana -- eeew.

When we got our check, we noticed an extra 4,000 Lire charge that we didn't know what it was for -- it turns out that it was a cover charge, something I'm not familiar with in restaurants.

We decided to walk a bit more before we had to return to the nunnery, and we had to stop to get Kim ice cream -- for the third time that day!

We made it back to the abbey right on time, and when we got to the room, our roommates were already in bed.

I decided that, in order to be able to sleep in that noisy room, I would have to be stoned, so I went to take a shower and brought my pipe with me.

I closed the window and smoked, then took a shower. I opened the windows and got dressed, then went back to the room. Kim was quiet and distant -- writing postcard and in her journal, so I pulled out mine and began to write, as well.

When she got up to take a bath, I finished writing and went to sleep, finding it blissfully easy to conk out.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Universal Coincidences

I've taken to calling the signs given by the Unspoken Language of the World's Soul 'universal coincidences' because it's much easier to say and remember. One thing I began noticing lately, before I re-read Patrick's story, before I really got into this whole idea, is that the music I listen to mirrors my life and my feelings. I have 2,000 songs in my playlist (I thought it was way more, but maybe I'm missing some), and I have them all randomly shuffled.

The music in my playlist represents a wide variety of genres, and when it's all shuffled, it takes me several days to listen my way through the entire thing. I usually do work my way most or all of the way through a playlist, though, so that I can continually listen to different music I like without (hopefully) getting sick of it.

I have found that the songs that pop up have relevance to something in my life. Either in something that's on my mind, to things I need to heal, to inspiration to help me follow my heart. The music I have been listening to lately has been inspiring in a way. There are songs that may not have lyrics (such as classical and instrumental), but the ones that play have a general feel to them that is relevant to me.

That might not seem like much to anyone else.. but it seems very real and obvious to me, because suddenly my life has a soundtrack. Not only that, I get really random songs stuck in my head, especially old-ish songs no one ever sings anymore. Something someone says will remind me of a line in a song, and then I just burst out singing it, then I go around singing that and trying to get as many people singing it as I can, until I get another song stuck in my head. I do occasionally get songs I overhear on the radio while in the kitchen stuck in my head, too.

Two or three times recently, I got completely random songs stuck in my head, and I mean really stuck. I was walking around singing the song all day long, people were telling me to shut up.. it was that bad. And then sure enough, I came home and later that song came up in the playlist. Yeah, it could be entirely coincidental. But it's a 1 in 2000 chance, and for it to happen repeatedly?

So the songs I have on my Lyrics blog are songs that stand out to me. Whether it be because the song makes me laugh, or because the song makes me feel.. most of those songs will pop up in my playlist and make me take pause because the words are so right.

Nap time.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Insert Witty Title Here

Good things are happening, but I'm not ready to write about them here yet. No jinxing.

I do have a couple photos to share. The first one is Peter, all gothed-out. He was not in goth mode at SimuCon, but isn't he pretty?

And this is my brain. Honest. Folks, I actually have a brain.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Little Bit of This.. Little Bit of That..

I ran across this website a few months ago, mostly because I was reading the Man 1, Bank 0 story, which, in itself is really incredible. At the time, I read most of the stories and such on his site, and liked him enough to bookmark him.

One of the stories is called "My 48-hour conversation with the Soul of the World". I read this story when I first went over his site, and I thought it was pretty amazing. Then I kind of forgot about it, but because I'd read the story, I began noticing things that Patrick mentions. Odd coincidences, connecting random events into a sort of communication to urge you and support you in your goals. There's a book about it called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

I highly urge you all to read this story by Patrick Combs. It's awesome, and I highly recommend the rest of his site, as well.

The theory is that there's a Unspoken Language of the World's Soul; a secret language of hints that help guide you to your destiny. I read that months ago and I am convinced now. There are simply far too many things that have fallen into place recently, too many things simply handed to me once I made the decision to follow my heart. I'm almost afraid of how easy things are right now. Wonderful things keep falling in my lap, after such a long time of being in despair, of my heart being closed off, of not following my heart or my dreams.

I have made the decision to follow my heart, and I now have some very realistic and positive goals. I feel like my life has suddenly opened up. It's an amazing feeling, which is why I'm writing to gush about it. I am totally excited about my life for the first time in many years. I have great, attainable goals that will then open up doors to even better goals. I feel also that I am finding myself, who I am, much more than I ever have. I'm learning about me for once.

I think I used to be too afraid of trying to find myself. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, but I know that I probably spent my whole life trying to avoid looking really deeply inside myself. I could get to various deep layers, but I never got to the core of me. I was too afraid. Too afraid of myself, maybe too afraid to like and esteem what I saw inside, because then I might love myself.

I grew up with a pretty fucked-up mindset about myself. I'm not sure exactly what happened or why that changed. I have gone through a ton, a TON of crap since I turned 18. I was dragged been through hell and back, emotionally, twice. And at the time, it all seemed so horrible and all I did was focus on that. It's not like I sat down one day and said, "Self, you have to love yourself. Okay? Okay."

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no specific moment that I can remember that changed me for the better. Years of therapy and medication for my depression, years of not understanding why I was so unhappy. And then all of a sudden, the black cloud lifts and I'm a normal person (well, as far as depression goes, anyway). It's kind of weird. I mean, even my mom will ask me from time to time, "What happened to you? You're so much healthier than I've ever seen you."

I don't know what happened. I grew up, went through some stuff, learned about myself.. and pretty much learned to stand up for myself. I spent all 13 years of school getting picked on, teased, and made fun of.. and never could stand up for myself to stop it. I value myself now. I respect myself. And I feel incredibly blessed to have the depression go away.

I don't get depressed anymore. It's weird in a "Huh, why did that stop happening" sort of way. I don't know why or when it changed, but my thought processes are different. I don't obsess as much about stuff. I rarely do circular thinking. I feel better about my body (since I've lost a total of about 75 pounds, thankyouverymuch).

I do think being thinner helps me as far as self-esteem. I struggled with my weight my entire life because I was miserable being overweight. But because of other things I had to work through (control issues with food that changed when I moved out), I was never able to keep the weight off. My mom would try to keep me from eating certain things, and I would turn around and sneak them. Not healthy.

I have always wanted to lose the weight because of ME. Because I knew that the things I wanted in my life didn't include being fat. I knew that I couldn't ever be happy until I had lost weight and felt better about myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't really work hard at losing the weight. It just kind of came off as I was working a lot and not eating very much. It wasn't a conscious attempt to lose weight; I simply wasn't all that hungry.

But again, it's another thing that fell in my lap, on the road to accomplishing my dreams.

I do feel blessed. :)

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Trip Journal

My friend Kim and I went on a 3-week backpacking trip through Europe back in the summer of '97. She and I kept journals of our trip, and I've always thought some of the things I wrote about were read-worthy. So I'm going to post some of my entries over a course of time. This entry was about our leaving Amsterdam.

Friday, June 13, 1997

We let ourselves "sleep in" past 10:30am, the check-out time at the hostel. Thinking we wouldn't get our deposits back, we took our time packing, which, even then, didn't take long. We had planned on taking a late train from Amsterdam to Italy, so we could use the time today and not waste it. Unfortunately, it was already late when we were sitting outside the station on our packs, and the Van Gogh Museum was far away (that's where Kim wanted to go).

As we were sitting there, looking at maps and train schedules, there was a commotion in the Metro; a scuffle and some guy yelling for the police. The guy came out of the metro in the train station, still hollering, holding on to some black guy. A huge crowd gathered, which was a bit ridiculous.

Kim and I decided to go shopping for food for our long trip (we'd decided that we would leave as soon as possible), and we found a little market and bought bread, cheese, meet, wine, chips, and fruit.

We then bought some more drugs :) and a piece of space cake each, and headed back to the station. We needed to know what track our train was leaving from, but the train wasn't for an hour or so, so they put us in the long-ass line, where we waited for about 45 minutes until Kim got up and went back in the line to get a new number, seeing as our train was leaving in 20 minutes.

The line we were in originally went so damn slowly. They were only on the 460's, and we had number 500. I can't imagine how much longer we would have waited.

We went up to the counter, and the woman there was a royal bitch who seemed to enjoy making it difficult for us to understand what was going on. Apparently, the train we wanted was fine on seats to Duisburg, Germany, where we were to trtansfer trains. From there on, the train only had couchettes available.

We decided to take our chances that there might be a couple of seats free, and boarded the train to Duisburg. It was sort of hard to tell when we left Holland and entered Germany, but we did at one point begin to notice differences in train stations, so we figured we'd crossed into Germany. We had to sit in the handicapped seats, pretty much because all the seats were taken, but also because we didn't want to keep changing seats if the ride turned out to be reservation-only.

The trip was pretty damned uneventful, and we soon arrived in Duisburg. A word about Duisburg: no money-changing booths anywhere. You'd think that no one in that town ever needed to change money! It was about 7pm or 8pm, so the banks were closed. We really wanted to buy something there, since we were in Germany for the first and only time on our trip. We just couldn't get any Deutschmarks!

We hung out at the station and decided to eat our space cake. We also opened the bottle of wine, which was Spanish, and not overly fantastic. The train pulled up and the conductor told us that the only things left on the train were the couchettes. They cost 26DM, but we didn't have any, so we started to freak out. It was later discovered that they take guilders, and so we ended up in a 4-person couchette for FL44 (about $25).

We were all alone in the cabin for the first stop or two, but one of our cabinmates, this dour-faced, grumpy man in his 30's, came onto the train. He saw us playing drinking games with our wine, and mumbled something like, "At least I know I'll have a quite night tonight." Asshole.

Kim got drunk enough to have no motor skills, and we were both extraordinarily giggly, which I attributed to the space cake, which had never really kicked in. We hooked up the ladder and took the very top bunks, which were the best, in my opinion. We had a lot more privacy than the bunks below us.

We took out the food and ate some, chomping on carrots because we haven't had many vegetables so far. I went to toss the tip of my carrot out the window (bad me) and the force of the air rushing by as the train sped along spit the carrot tip back inside, and it landed right next to Herr Dickhead.

Kim and I laughed for about five minutes over it, and I eventually crawled down to retrieve it. We were fine for a while, still giggling like mad, and then Kim dropped her pillow right on him. He was getting really pissed at us by this point, and it was quite obvious.

Kim went to sleep, and I finished my book. I then went to sleep, which was surprisingly easy.

As My Life Turns

Here I am, bored at 3 am, not yet wanting to go to bed and sick of being subjected to bad early-morning basic cable TV. I kind of wish I had real cable sometimes, but I can't justify the expense, after all, my one luxury is cable internet. In any case, I'm going to take advantage of my one luxury and start posting some entries about my life experiences.

I've thought that maybe I should write a book with all the various stories and things I've done, but I'm not sure anyone would really want to read it. So, since you're here anyway, stories have to be better than listening to me bitch about work. Jen says (often) that I'm obsessed with work and I bitch a lot about it. So this is my attempt to make my blog more positive and possibly more interesting? I don't know.

Anyway, I have a brief story that I was reminded of just now, by a commercial.

I drove across the country in January 2000, away from my home state and into the same house as my then-girlfriend. This journey was done solo, from San Francisco to Knightdale, NC. I drove a Ryder truck I'd literally stuffed all of my worldly possessions into, a truck which only had a radio. No tape player, and the radio antenna was missing from the truck, which meant little to no reception. So it was kind of a quiet, contemplative trip.

When I was just starting out, I drove down Highway 5, one of the biggest highways in California. It's one of the few places the speed limit is 70, though the downside is that it cuts through the heart of California farmland, so there tends to be very little to look at in terms of distraction while driving.

I was so anxious to get on the road and go, to finally see Regan again and to be moving in with her, that I left the same night I packed the truck. I drove as far as I could until I needed to sleep, then checked in to a hotel in the middle of nowhere. The city may have been called Coalinga or something odd like that.

The next day, I got up and checked out, then hopped back into the truck, not fully awake yet. I wasn't long on the road before something along the roadside caught my attention. Because I wasn't fully awake, it took me a little bit to notice, but when I did, I watched in complete amazement.

I tell people this story and they don't believe me. But I swear to God, this is the honest truth. And it was one of the coolest things I have ever seen. I know I will never forget it.

Along the roadside ran a fence that was mainly wooden posts strung together with barbed wire, in and of itself not a special thing. However, and I swear to God, for at least two or three miles, almost every single wooden post had a boot or some sort of shoe sitting on top of it.

At first, I wondered if I was imagining it. I mean, maybe some joker found a few shoes by the road and put them up on posts. But no.. I kept staring at the roadside as the miles passed, and was completely mesmerized. And it's verifiable -- head on 5 south, somewhere after Coalinga (?). There are hundreds of boots and shoes sitting on fence posts along a stretch of Highway 5.

At least, there were three years ago.

I think I was just so amazed that I didn't think to whip out the camera I'd brought along. I wish now that I'd gotten pictures of it, mostly because it does kind of sound like an incredible story, or at least an exaggerated one. But I'm not kidding you when I say at least two miles rolled by. Every time I saw an empty post (and there weren't many), I kept expecting the shoes to end. And it just amazed me that they went on and on.

Monday, June 16, 2003

Random Shit

Okay, yeah! Today is the first day in about two weeks where I have felt more like myself, and less sick and run-down. I just remembered that I was only just recovering from a bad cold right before I went to St. Louis.. so on top of not sleeping, too much partying, and too much sex, I was already run-down to begin with! I forced myself to sleep a lot last night, and I think that was just what I needed. The stomach pain seems to be staying at bay, which is frabjous, and, well, I'm actually awake and feel like doing my normal day-off activities.. like sitting here going through random websites and finding random crap.

I somehow stumbled across this, so here it is. I'm so L337.

The haxor handle of Alena is "Binary V@nd@l".

What's yours? Enter your name:

Yeah, so you can just call me Binary Vandal from now on. w00t. Or something.

Here's a good one -- there's apparently this company called PowerGen. And apparently PowerGen has offices in Italy. 'Italy' in Italian is 'Italia'. So... put PowerGen and Italia together, and what do you get? I shit you not. It's real, and apparently no one has made the connection.

And, on the "I'm 'new' to English front," there is always

It never ceases to amaze me how much random crap is on the Internet. I mean, seriously. You would likely find anything you could dream up on the Web. And that's some crazy shit right there. But since I'm a random, crazy, fucked-up person, I happen to like that about the Web. I consider myself a Web Explorer. Yeah, I kind of made that up, but I identify with the title. After all, when I'm not playing GS, chances are I'm exploring the Web, sometimes for hours.

I think what attracts me to the Web is that there is just an infinite amount of information available. I love information. I love facts. And to have all this random knowledge available to me is simply irresistable. Then there is the humor/amusement factor of finding people who are obviously more fucked up than me. It's good to know I'm not the weirdest, randomest person out there.

Case in point, Black People Love Us! There just are no words.

Other (fairly normal) shit.. The Internet Movie Database. Encyclopedia Mythica. Font Foundry. SparkNotes.

Protesters, West Virginia-style:


Sunday, June 15, 2003

This Just In

I am actually, verifiably less pure after SimuCon... (I'm down 2%)

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
It takes a couple of drinks
Sex Drive 57.9%
A fool for love, but not always
Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 3.6%
Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame
Fucking Sick75.2%
Refreshingly normal
You are 40.41% pure
Average Score: 71.8%

My Weekend is Here

So... fucking... tired...

I will say that after the sleepless week I just had partying at SimuCon, on top of two closing shifts capped with a morning BD shift (meaning I was on the floor for 10 hours with no break at all), I am going to so crash tonight. I was so tired last night I was hallucinating, though it was kind of cool. Cheap thrills, what can I say.

On top of, or perhaps exacerbated by, working my ass off and being really worn out, I am fighting with The Most Insidious Bladder Infection Ever. It deserves the capitals and title; it's surely clinging on (and possibly getting worse!) despite my religious taking of the antibiotics and the pill that makes my pee fluorescent orange.

I just basically feel ill all the time right now. Either I have a dull ache in my left side that takes a pain reliever to go away, or I'm seriously nauseous after I eat. Add in just general malaise and ugh-ness, and that's about where I am right now. Not good. But I'm hoping that a few days of nothing but rest will improve my condition.

I was feeling quite constructive this evening and I believe I have my webspace set up on my ISP server thinger. That means once I get everything set up and moved, my site will have no more ads -- hurrah! I know you poor pop-up killer-less bastards have to suffer through whatever spam and crap Tripod wishes to thrust at you. And for this, I apologize. I hate popups as much as the next guy.

As I mentioned before, if you want a great pop-up killer for free, email me. Seriously. It's awesome, blocks 99% of pop-up/under/in/over ads, and it's free. Virus-free, too, I promise. I feel everyone should be liberated from pop-up ads.

Pop-ups are the work of Satan.

P.S. I think I finally fixed the Archives section. Maybe. Possibly. We'll see.
P.P.S. Now on to figure out what the little [+] things are supposed to do.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Sleep? What's That?

Wow. I had such an amazing week. I went to this huge convention of geeks and freaks in St. Louis, and even though that may sound really lame, let me preface everything by saying this annual get-together is basically a major excuse to party hard and, hey, if you happen to get laid, more's the better. So basically I was stoned and/or drunk almost the entire week, did nothing but relax, shoot the shit, wander around, and wreak mass havok within the hotel (goaded on by my new soulmate, Peter, who is equally as devious/evil as I am).

I indeed made out like a bandit this weekend (pun intended). Not only did I get a lot of sex, I also was treated to my first lap dance ever -- by one of the hottest women I've ever met. I'm told I was beet red when she finished. I blush easily, okay?

Add to that a couple smooches by the same woman, and I did get to feel up a couple other women. Smashing week, I'd say!

Peter and I attempted to make Jello shots in an enterprising moment where we were trying to channel our energy into something somewhat constructive, for once. The resulting concoction could very well be the most vile substance created by man. We had no idea what we were doing and decided that we would substitute ALL the water the recipe called for and replace it with the world's nastiest cheap vodka (it cost us $20 for a gallon -- it was that good).

The result was nothing beyond foul. The raspberry-flavored shots tasted like NyQuil, though possibly worse. The lime ones tasted like a popsicle soaked in rubbing alcohol. The gelatin that didn't dissolve no matter how long we shook it ended up settling on the bottoms of the cups in a grainy, semi-crunchy sludge.

This was the conversation when approached about the innocent-looking drinks on my tray:

Unsuspecting Victim: Whatcha got there?
Me and Peter: Uh.. it's really disgusting. Want to try it?
Unsuspecting Victim (eyes colorful substance in the cups): What is it?
Me and Peter: They're failed Jello shots. They're really nasty. Want one?
Unsuspecting Victim: Yeah, I'll take one. (selects one from the menu)
Me and Peter (quickly): They're reeeeeally nasty. And don't drink the sludge on the bottom.
Unsuspecting Victim eyes us with a dawning of suspicion.
We grin back and nod encouragingly.
Me and Peter: Go for it. Just don't drink the sludge.
Unsuspecting Victim decides 'what the hell' and shoots the shot, invariably drinking the sludge on the bottom, even when instructed otherwise.
We watch Unsuspecting Victim's reaction with baited breath.

I came away from this weekend with all sorts of bruises with questionable origin. How the hell did I get a perfectly circular bruise in the middle of my inner forearm? My knee? And I have one on my thigh that looks clearly as if I ran into a table at some point. Yeah.. I admit the week was a definite blur.

In fact, if you asked me to tell you the events of a particular day in correct order... I couldn't do it.

More later after I catch up on sleep.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Secret Admirer?

I apparently have either a secret admirer or someone who is obsessed with this site for some reason -- starting yesterday, someone I don't know has usurped Rose for the How-Many-Hits-Can-One-Generate-From-One-IP crown. I know she'll be disappointed when she learns. Someone from Maryland, it looks like.. who got my link from a Yahoo email? Oddness. But it intrigues me. I want to know things like.. did someone send my website to this person to share in the wholesome goodness? Did someone say, hey, this girl's a whacko, and send the link? Or is it my irresistable charm and good looks? The world may never know.

But people -- I have message boards, you see. That and my poll -- both gone completely ignored by my faithful readers -- products of my sweat and tears. Feel guilty yet?

If there's something you want to see, something funny you want to share, if you think I'm cute, if you think I'm a freak, whatever -- post on my boards and let me know!

I'm hoping this anonymous visitor will make themselves known (hint, hint -- message boards), otherwise I may very well perish from curiosity.

Rose and I have been trying to get more photos at OG. Yesterday, we actually had several very good ones, but I think her battery died and all the photos got deleted. I even had a couple pictures of The Rob, finally, as well as a couple artistic ones in there -- our empty smoke hole, and the spot on the wall where the ashtray used to be. Oh.. guess I haven't mentioned it here yet.

Employees aren't allowed to smoke at work anymore, unless approved to do so on a trash run. Take into account 75%+ of servers/restaurant employees in general smoke, so you can get some sort of idea of what kind of suckage we now have to put up with at work. And trust me when I say there is going to be one night where I'm slammed and freaking out and desperately needing a smoke -- and when I can't get one, they'd all better watch out.

Though it was actually pretty amusing yesterday, the first day of the no-smoking policy. We were pretty dead, so all of us smokers would likely have had made several trips to the smoke hole to pass the time, had we been allowed. I came on around 3:45pm and around 7pm, I was really wanting a cigarette. They announced a trash run, and I have never seen servers or anyone so excited to take the freaking trash out. You can bet I grabbed myself a trash can so I could go out and smoke.. hell.. I could barely swing the damn thing into the dumpster, it was so heavy and I'm a weakling. But I got my nicotine, so that's cool.

I suppose it's a good thing because I'll smoke less, but it's just major suckage. I keep saying it's a violation of my civil rights and I'm going to sue. Think I've got a case?

In any case, I am going on vacation for a week. I'm in for a road trip to St. Louis, and hopefully a good deal of sex. My ride will likely be getting here about 12 hours earlier than expected, so I'm going to have a bedmate tonight -- yay! I love sleeping in the same bed with someone. We're leaving here to drive to VA tomorrow to pick up another friend, and then it's going to be a week of hedonistic debauchery, or so I hope.

So this site is going to not be updated for a week, not that anyone really is checking back here for updates (other than my mystery friend, of course). Unless Rose posts, of course. She did say she was going to replace the camera batteries and try once again while I'm gone. I doubt I'll have internet access of any kind, so you all will just have to wait a week to hear about the bad things I did in St. Louis.

Have a fun week, stay out of trouble, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!