Monday, April 14, 2003

"Friendship"? Whatever.


Yeah, so, Kit and I have been really struggling with our friendship for a while. The death knell was when she asked me to move out, and then basically excised me from her life. I got really pissed off and hurt by it, though now I'm in a totally different state of mind. I don't even know how to describe it.

It's like I don't really care most of the time. I'm not sure how I went from being really hurt and pissed off to not caring at all. But it's easier, at any rate.

I moved out and, as I suspected, she didn't bother to contact me once I was gone. When she closed the Uhaul truck door, squeezing in the cab with two of her real friends, and drove off without me.. I knew then that it was the end. Since then, she never is online anymore and she never bothers to call or email me. I did see her on IMs a few times, briefly, after I'd just moved out.

Finally I just got so fed up that I wrote her a long email. She responded in her traditional condescending, blunt way, basically making me feel even more like shit about things. How does it end up always that everything is my fault? I'm sick of that shit. I'm sick of people trying to escape bad feelings by pinning the blame on me.

We had a brief email exchange and I said that we should probably get together to discuss our problems. She is "busy" and said she would contact me later in the week to see about getting together to talk, since she doesn't feel like she communicates well personally in emails. The week goes by and nothing from her, which, at this point, neither fazes or surprises me. I'm so over this shit. I'm pretty much ready to say, "Look. Obviously this isn't working for either of us, why continue to try to play this game?"

I found a cool LoTR desktop background yesterday and it looks awesome on my monitor. Kit likes LoTR, too, and this image was just so awesome and detailed, I had to share it with her. I don't know why.. I couldn't resist. I knew I'd likely confuse her by making a seemingly-friendly gesture after the last cold email I sent. I kind of wanted to just poke her and see what happened, since the week she was supposed to contact me has since past.

She emailed me back today, not talking about anything serious (she's beginning to remind me of certain people I have dealt with in the past), but instead telling me how busy she's been, and Wendy bought a house so they were over there helping, and somehow in all her being so busy, she's taken time out to by an apparently huge TV.

Yeah.. our friendship hangs on the balances and she's telling me about her new fucking TV and how I'll have to come over and see it. You want to know what I had to sit on my hands to prevent replying? "I really don't care about your fucking TV. Are we getting together or not, to discuss things?"

I was more civil than that, though. I responded back with the nights that are good for me, as she requested, and instead of smacking her down about her stupid-ass TV, I just plainly asked if we are going to discuss things. I want to get this the hell over with.

See, I want to know where things stand. Right now, we're in limbo because we haven't really talked, and I'm sick of it. I need to know whether or not she and I will be friends when the conversation ends, so I can either suck up being dissed by her all the time, or move on with my life if we're not.

Now that I've settled into living alone, I like it. I'm so glad I was finally able to get my own place, alone, with no roommates. Even if my place is kind of a pit and there are cockroaches in the building. I think back to how it felt living with Kit in that small-ass apartment, with no space or privacy, and I have no idea how we did that for so long. I mean, this is just SO much better. I should have moved out long ago!

I feel like I'm coming into my own here. I'm learning about how I interact and deal with people on a daily basis, and I have discovered some things about myself. I was surprised one night when I went out for a few drinks after work with Michelle, when we ran into Deirdre (or however she spells it) and had a really good conversation. I was amazed at how much she and I have in common, how we share a very similar mindset about things.. but that since she's very pretty and girly and blonde, I took her at face value and never really thought we could be friends.

So I realized I judge people on face value and stupidly decide then and there whether we could be friends. This comes from my hatred of shallowness. I don't want a friendship where it's always light, where I can never talk to the person about things. An acquaintance that's like that, sure. But not a friend. I have basically likely been missing many opportunities at friendships simply because I rarely open up to people, and have judged almost everyone I know as not friend-material.

Sitting there with Michelle, talking to Deirdre, what was going through my head was, "Wow. I could be really good friends with Deirdre." I was really floored.. we are so on the same wavelength about things, it's kind of amazing. A few days later at work, I started talking to her, because that night with Michelle, I'd decided Deirdre and I should hang out, because I think we click. When I told Deirdre we should hang out, she said, "Yeah, that night at Applebee's, I was thinking, 'I could become really good friends with Alena.'" Weird, eh? We both had like the same exact thought. See? Totally same wavelength.

Now that I've moved out, I find myself much more relaxed in general. It could, of course, be because I started smoking pot again after almost a year of near-complete abstinence (Kit doesn't approve). But I have recently noticed that, at work, I'm just so much more laid back with the customers. Well, until it gets to be a Saturday night in the smoking section and I'm PMSing and about ready to go postal on the whole restaurant. But I digress.

I was originally kind of worried about how I would do living alone. As an introvert (INFJ, to be precise), I relish my alone time. I have to have alone time, daily if possible. But I do have a tendency to get lonely, so I was concerned about living by myself. I've always lived with someone, whether it be one roommate or several, a few friends, or a girlfriend. I always wanted to live on my own but was sort of afraid that I'd get all melancholy and maudlin without other people around to keep me company.

In truth, this living alone thing is fantastic. I can do what I want, when I want. I can play the music I like, at pretty much any volume (since the kid downstairs blasts his music several times a day, I really don't care what he thinks). I can smoke pot, I can hang out, I can sleep in my underwear. I can walk to the shower naked. I can stay up as late and sleep in as long as I want (aside from days I work, of course). I can smoke inside. I can burn incense. I can leave the windows and door wide open, or crank the heat up as much as I want. The list goes on.

I really like it. Sure, I live like the most cliched bachelor on earth, but I don't care. :P Eventually I will either move out of WV completely or get a couch or something to spruce this place up. I'm thinking about beanbag chairs, in the interim. I haven't seen any at Wal-Mart, though.

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