Saturday, April 19, 2003

Catching Up

I am so tired. I think my recent odd sleeping patterns (like staying up past dawn pretty much every day) are due to insomnia instead of me being a vampire. Basically, it doesn't matter what time I go to bed. If I go early, I either stay awake until the sun comes up, or I fall asleep, but don't sleep well all night. I've been trying to right my sleep schedule because it's definitely causing me trouble at work -- I was written up again for being late; I'd escaped it the Thursday before because I'm a good employee and the managers like me.. but I was half an hour late then, and I was half an hour late again last Thursday.

I tried to go to bed, I just could not fall asleep. I knew I was going to be in trouble when my alarm went off, and I set the volume up really loud. I did fall asleep around 7:30am, and I woke up to my alarm at 10:15, but I hit the snooze and fell back asleep. After that, I guess I just was asleep and hitting the snooze bar, because the alarm went off at one point and I looked at the clock and just about died when I saw it was 11:50.. I was supposed to be at work at 11:30 and on the floor by 11:45.. and I wasn't just late. I was really late. Again.

I got written up after I first started, for being late (I think 15 minutes), but after that, they generally leave me be if it's just a minute or two. Fuck. I can NOT lose my job. I don't even know what I would do if I lost my job. I've never been fired from anywhere. I'm not a bad employee, I just have always been flexible when it comes to time. Heh. It's not even like Olive Garden is the pinnacle of my career or anything, but there is just no way I could ever work at Applebee's again, and I'm not sure what my chances would be at Outback. And those are pretty much the few choices I have. So, no, I can't lose my job.

The managers at least believed me when I told them about my insomnia. Steve has me scheduled on Thursday nights now, instead of days, bless him. They asked if I'd been to a doctor.. and no, I haven't. I can't afford to see a doctor, so I think I'm going to be a walking zombie for a while, until this fixes itself. A couple of people at work suggested I take something like Tylenol PM to fall asleep, so I got some Tylenol PM; minus the Tylenol and just the sleep stuff. Night before last, I took a couple and tried to go to sleep around 1:30am. Well, I fell asleep pretty quickly, but I kept waking up all night and I felt like I'd barely slept at all. So last night I took four and man. I zonked out! Yet again, I woke up a few times in the morning, and felt like I'd been dreaming all night instead of getting the deep sleep I need.

So I'm really tired. And taking four of those sleeping pills made me feel totally stoned today, just minus the high. I would love to get just one night of really decent sleep!

Kit and I had our talk. First she bought me dinner (Subway), which we brought back to her place to eat. She made me go first, so I spilled my guts about everything. I got to even get a bit worked up and get out some of my anger, which felt very good. After I mentioned her harsh, condescending email, she got kind of angry, herself, but she did apologize one last time for that. She admitted she'd purposefully cut me off, because not only did she want space, she has been trying to reform me or something. A pet project, the way she said her parents made her one. I pointed out that she holds everyone to the standard she sets, and that she and I are very different people, what works for her doesn't work for me. She agreed that she does this, and she agreed also that she's been trying to hold me to her standard while trying to fix me.

She said that she's been thinking about it a lot and that it wasn't fair of her to do so, and that it wasn't fair to force me into exile. I told her that it would have been nice to have been told she needed space, instead of completely cutting me off, and she agreed she should have.

We talked a little about her friends and I told her what I feel about that. That I like Joe and Kay and they've generally been nice and fairly welcoming to me, but Wendy has always been cold and indifferent. In the harsh email Kit sent, she'd apparently asked Wendy what she thought of me, and Wendy replied, I think she's fine, and pretty smart, but I can only stand about 15 minutes of Gemstone before I get sick of hearing it. Is that all she ever talks about?"

That made me livid. I think I can count on one hand how many times I've talked about GS in front of Kit's friends, which goes to show how much Wendy actually listens to me. We had like a two hour conversation once about beer, one of her passions. Guess she forgot about that, huh? I have just gotten so sick of hanging out with all of them and being totally ignored. Sick of trying to impress them, of trying to participate and when I chime in with a joke or funny anecdote, no one laughs, or gives more than a hint of a reaction. I know I'm no comedian, but I know I'm not that unfunny. So for Wendy to say that, and for Kit to tell me she said that.. Yeah, it makes me livid.

I'm invited to go walking with her and Joe in McDonough, so that's cool. I'll likely go on my free evenings, since I like walking through that park and I can use the exercise. She said she wants to reconnect with me, to get to know me better. She did say we're very different and didn't know if we'd be able to be close friends, but that, then again, we may end up with a lot in common. We are very different, and she's right. We may end up having nothing in common. But I don't think we would have attracted each other in the first place if we weren't interested in each other and didn't have things in common.

All in all, I think things went very well. Personally, I'm giving her a second chance, and if she blows me off this time, I'm done with it. I don't have the time or emotional energy to keep dealing with this. But we sat and caught up for a while and chatted about GS, since she hasn't been playing. It seems promising, but we'll see. I'm not going to get my hopes up.

P.S. Her stupid TV is huge and cost a grand. 'Nuff said.

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